The patient was told by his dentist that he must floss his teeth every day. The patient said, “Flossing is a giant pain, it’s just so hard to reach some of my teeth.” “Okay, let’s compromise,” the dentist finally offered. “Just floss the teeth that you want to keep.”
Jack V. Grazi
Teacher: David, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
David: A Teacher!
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an X-ray technician.
“Have you ever broken a bone?” the technician asked.
“Yes,” the girl replied.
“Did it hurt?”
“No, not at all.”
“Really? Which bone did you break?”
“My sister’s arm.”
THE BETTER BARBER
A new barbershop opened up for business right across the street from the old
established hair cutter’s place. To drum up new business, the owners of the new
establishment put up a big bold sign that read: “We Give Ten-Dollar Haircuts.”
The next day, the old barbershop also had a new sign in their window, it read: “We Fix Ten-Dollar Hair Cuts!”
ACCOUNTING FOR TROUBLE
David just received his accounting designation, and he was looking for a job. He was being interviewed by Alan Goldfarb, a partner at the three-man firm Goldfarb, Applebaum, and Goldman. Alan came across as a very nervous man.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” Goldfarb said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the young accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” Goldfarb said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” David said. “and how much does the job pay?”
“I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars.”
“Eighty-five thousand dollars!” David exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” Goldfarb said, “is your first worry.”
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented, “These are very good. You must have a good camera.” A short time later, when the guests finished the meal, the photographer complimented the hostess saying, “That was a delicious meal. You must have some very good pots.”
When Esther came home from school on her first day, her mother asked,
“How was school today?” “It was very nice,” she answered, “but I don’t think my teacher is very smart.” “What makes you say that?” inquired her mother. “You might not believe it, but SHE was asking ME how to spell ‘cat.’”
HYGIENE HIGH JINKS
At a recent lunch by the local sandwich shop, I watched the woman behind the counter spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed the sleeve of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. “Excuse me,” I called, “your sleeve is in the mayo.” “Don’t worry,” she assured me, “I need to wash it anyway.”
A new government study has found that the average American car now weighs 300 pounds more than it did ten years ago. However, this is only true if the average American is sitting in the car.
THE REBBE AND HIS DRIVER
The Rebbe and his driver had a close relationship and the driver listened attentively to all of the Rebbe’s speeches.
For Purim, the Rebbe had an idea. The driver would dress up as the Rebbe and the Rebbe would dress up as the driver.
So, Purim came, and the driver dressed up as the Rebbe was giving a public shiur (speech). And he was doing pretty well until one of the senior rabbis asked him a highly technical question in Jewish law.
The driver thought about it for a moment and then said, “That is an extremely simple question. So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.”
I read that Lincoln studied by the fireplace, Mozart composed by candlelight, and Galileo did his inventing by the light of an oil lamp. I’m wondering, didn’t any of these guys think of working during the day?
Jack V. Grazi
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Billy, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Billy: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
THE UNCOMMON CANINE
A man was amazed to see a dog buying meat for its owner in a butcher shop. Not only did the dog carefully check the quality of the meat, but the canine even noticed that it was short-changed by the butcher, and it growled until it was given the right amount of change. Intrigued, the man followed the dog from the shop and saw it help an old lady cross the street with her shopping bags. The man then followed the dog to its owner’s house and couldn’t believe his eyes when the dog stood up on its hind legs to ring the doorbell. After a few moments, the dog’s owner came to the door looking annoyed.
He grabbed the groceries and shoved the dog into the garden.
The man watching was horrified and called out to the owner, “I can’t believe
you pushed that amazing dog – it does your shopping, checks your change and
even helps old ladies across the road!” “I know all that,” the owner replied.
“But this is the third time this week its forgotten the keys!”
THE DOG ATE MOISHIE’S HOMEWORK
“Moishie, where’s your homework?” Miss Feinman asked sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
“Moishie, I’ve been a teacher in this Talmud Torah for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Feinman, I promise,” insisted the boy. “I had to force him, but he ate it!”
GRANDMA KNOWS BEST
Rivky went to spend a few weeks with her Grandma Miriam. They had a lot of time together, so Grandma Miriam decided to teach Rivky how to sew. After the first day, having gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, Rivky stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “Grandma, you mean you can do all that, but you can’t figure out how to use an iPhone?”