Bird on a Wire
Shmuel’s son Chaim lived overseas. As a gift Shmuel sent him a gift of a rare bird. Not being a great expert in ornithology, Chaim thought the bird was a delicacy. When Shmuel called to see how Chaim enjoyed the gift he sent, Chaim replied, “Oh, the bird? I shechted it. It was delicious!”
Incredulous, Shmuel cried out, “You mean you ate the bird? Do you know how valuable it was? It could even speak two languages!”
“So why didn’t he say something?!” Chaim replied.
The kids filed back into Mrs. Carter’s class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Marlene led off: “I sold Girl Scout Cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said Mrs. Carter.
Little Sally was next: “I sold magazines,” she said. “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”
“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was little Max’s turn.
Max walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher. “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said little Max.
“Toothbrushes?” echoed the teacher. “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Max. “I set up an ice cream stand. I gave everybody who walked by a free sample and they all said the same thing: “This tastes like dirt!”
Then I would say, “It is dirt. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?”
Sam telephones Albert and says, “Oy vey, Albert. Am I in trouble! My best customer has just gone bankrupt and I have lost $1,000,000. I am going to have to close my store.”
“Although you’re my main competitor,” says Albert, “I’m still sorry to hear that, Sam. So, who is he?”
“Nice try Albert,” replies Sam. “Do you think I’m crazy? You think I’m going to tell you the name of my best customer?!”
A Blessing at Dinner
Lisa invited some family and friends to dinner, and at the table, she turns to her six-year-old daughter Rachel and says, “Darling, don’t forget to make a blessing.”
“But Mommy, I don’t know what beracha to say,” replies Rachel.
“All you need do,” says Lisa, “is to repeat what you heard Mommy say.”
Rachel thinks for a moment and says, “Gd, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?!”
A baby camel was asking his mother a bunch of questions.
“Ma, why do we have huge, padded feet?” asked the baby camel.
“They help us trek across the desert,” answered the mother camel. “Our large toes stay on top of the soft sand.”
“Why do we have such long eyelashes?”
“To keep the sand out our eyes on our long treks in the desert.”
“Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?”
“They help us store great quantities of food and water, so we can make long treks through the desert.”
Summing things up the baby camel said, “So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking in the sand, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store food?”
“That’s right dear,” said the proud mother.
The baby camel thinks for a moment and says, “So why are we living here in the Bronx Zoo?”
New Pair of Shoes
Chaim Yankel walks into the Chelm shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the salesclerk.
“Well, they feel a bit tight,” replies Chaim Yankel.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and Chaim Yankel’s feet.
“Try pulling out on the tongue,” offers the clerk.
“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” Chaim Yankel says.
You Think Money Grows on Trees?
Joey had been asking his father for more and more spending money, so his father finally said to him, “Joey, do you think money grows on trees?”
“Yeah,” said Joey, always somewhat of a smart aleck.
“Well, it doesn’t,” said his father.
“So, what is money made out of, Dad?” asked Joey.
“Paper,” his father replied.
“And what is paper made from?” asked Joey with a smile.
A Creative Diagnosis
Abe goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife Sara’s test results. The receptionist tells him, “I’m sorry but there’s been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife’s samples to the lab, they got mixed up with the samples from another Mrs. Cohen and we don’t know which one is your wife’s. The bottom line is that the situation is either bad or not so bad.”
“What do you mean?” asks Abe.
“Well,” says the receptionist, “one Mrs. Cohen has tested positive for amnesia and the other for gingivitis. We can’t tell which is which.”
“That’s terrible,” says Abe. “Can you do the test again?”
“Normally, yes. But your health insurance won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what should I do?” asks Abe.
The receptionist replies, “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t borrow her toothbrush.”
A man walked into the office of Dr. Seymour Epstein, a well-known psychiatrist, and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor Epstein, I’ve got this problem,” the man said. “I keep thinking that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said Dr. Epstein soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Sorry Doc,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Norman applied for job after being dismissed by his previous employer.
“So, tell me, Norman,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”
“Actually, yes,” Norman said modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in a local Jewish magazine, and I just finished my first novel.”
“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”
Norman explained brightly, “Oh, that’s what I plan on doing during office hours.”