The Lighter Side – June 2023

0
2019

Back in the USSR

In the former Soviet Union, a Jew was awakened in the middle of the night by a loud knock on the door.

“Who’s there?” he asked.

“The mailman,” came the reply. The man opened the door and found a uniformed KGB agent standing there.

“Are you Goldstein?” the agent asked.

“Yes,” the man replied.

“And did you apply to leave our beloved country to go to Israel?”

“That’s right,” the man answered.

The agent then asked him if he had enough food to eat and whether his children received a good education, to which Goldstein answered yes and yes.

“If you already have everything you need here, why do you want to leave our beloved country?” the agent demanded.

Goldstein replied, “I guess I just don’t like to live in a place where the mailman shows up at 3 o’clock in the morning.”

Jack V. Grazi

Professional Advice

A doctor and a lawyer are talking in the park. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments to the doctor and asking for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the frustrated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give them advice,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor is shocked, but decides to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer from the park!

Marvin T.

Hard of Hearing

A “holy man” was in town and people were lining up to get his blessings. Finally, it was Roger’s turn.

“What would you like me to pray for?” the holy man asked.

“I need you to please pray for my hearing,” Roger humbly replied.

With an understanding nod, the holy man put one hand on Roger’s ear and the other hand on top of his head, and recited some prayers. When he was done, he removed his hands and asked loudly, “How’s your hearing now?”

“I don’t know,” Roger replied. “It’s not until next Wednesday, in the Kings County Courthouse!”

 

Sammy A.

Traffic Stop

A college professor runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a small town sheriff. Being a big shot professor from New York, the professor assumes he’s smarter than the sheriff.

The sheriff comes to the car window and asks for the professor’s license and registration.

The professor asks, “What for?”

The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” The professor replies, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop,” explains the sheriff.

The professor says, “If you can show me the legal difference between ‘slow down’ and ‘stop,’ I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me two tickets. If not, you let me go and don’t give me a ticket.”

The sheriff replies, “That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle.”

The professor steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the professor with it.

The sheriff says, “Now, do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Alice C.

Believe It or Not – Calls to 911

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What’s the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No! This is her husband!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and a skirt, why?

Jeremy Ross

Newspaper Delivery

A paperboy said to a customer one day, “Mr. Jones, I wish I had 30 customers like you.”

“Gee, that’s so nice to hear,” said Mr. Jones. “But, I’m a little surprised, considering I never tip and usually pay late.”

The paperboy replied, “I know, but I’d still like 30 customers like you. The problem is I have 150 customers like you!”

Gladys S.

Doctor Visit

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat a birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles!

Carol E.