The Lighter Side – December 2023

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Daddy Phone Home

Sherry was home with her three young children getting dinner ready when the phone rang. Six-year-old Rachel picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally Sherry’s turn to talk, she took the receiver and said, “Hello.”

“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the new dishwasher you ordered is here!”

Maxine T.

Fire Drill

David and his classmates at the Talmud Torah had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.

Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him. He asked David, “What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?”

David replied promptly, “I don’t put them on!”

Alex  B.

Good Advice

One day, Benjamin went to buy some stamps to send out his Hanukah cards.

He asked the clerk, “Do I have to stick them on myself?”

The clerk replied, “Well, it’d be better if you stuck them on the envelopes.”

Marc S.

Visting Grandma

It was just before Hanukah and Lisa, a grandmother, was giving directions to her grown-up grandson who was coming to visit with his wife for the first time since Lisa had moved to her new apartment.

“You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 3A.” Lisa told her grandson.

“There’s a big panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 3A and I will buzz you in.

“Come inside and the elevator is on your right. Get in the elevator and user your elbow to press the 3 button.

“When you get out, my apartment is on the left. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I’ll open the door for you.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” her grandson replied. “But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow.”

Lisa replied, “You’re coming to visit empty handed?”

Suzie  K.

Don’t Judge

Two judges living in a small town in Upstate New York both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the State Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other’s case.

The first man, Judge Thompson, took the bench, while the second, Judge Smith, stood at the defendant’s table and admitted his guilt. Judge Thompson immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. Judge Thompson admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon Judge Smith immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

Judge Thompson was furious. “I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!”

Judge Smith looked at him and replied, “I know but this is the second such case we’ve had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!”

Morris C

Lucky Latkes

Ariel took latkes to school for lunch during Hanukah.

“These,” he told his friend Daniel, “are what makes Jews so smart.”

“Let me try one then,” said Daniel.

“Tell you what, I’ll sell you one for five dollars,” said Ariel.

So Daniel gave him five dollars and then bit into the latke. “Hey, there’s nothing special about this!” he exclaimed.

“It must be working already!” said Ariel.

Makes Cents

Noah is always teasing his little brother Jacob.

One day he shows his friends what he does: he offers Jacob a choice between a nickel and a dime and when he does Jacob always chooses the nickel.

One of Noah’s friends feels sorry for Jacob so he takes him to one side and says, “You know, Noah is making fun of you. Even though the nickel is bigger, the dime is worth more.”

Jacob laughs and says, “I know that, but if I took the dime, he’d stop doing it. So far, I’ve made $20!”

Josh F.

Unhappy Landing

An El Al 747 was flying the busy Tel Aviv-New York route when the plane began having engine trouble. The pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Elliot L.

Dreaming in Hebrew

Little Marty was having some trouble in Hebrew class.

To encourage him, his teacher, Morah Shalva, said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in Hebrew.”

One day, Little Marty ran into class all excited, saying, “Morah Shalva! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in Hebrew!”

“Great!” said Morah Shalva. “What were they saying?”

“I don’t know,” Marty replied. “I couldn’t understand them!”

Jacklyn E.

Hanukah Stamps

Miriam goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukah cards. She says to the clerk, “Please may I have 50 Hanukah stamps?”

The postal clerk asks, “What denomination?”

Miriam says, “Oy vey, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Sephardic, 12 Yiddish, and 32 Ashkenaz.”

Debbie G

Doctor’s Visit

The day after Hanukkah, a man walks into the doctor’s office. He has a banana stuck in one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a stick of celery up his nose.

He says to the doctor, “Doc, this is awful. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies, “Well, now the holiday is over, you need to start eating right.”

One-Liner

 

Q: Which hand is it best to light the menorah with?
A: Neither, it’s best to light it with a candle!

 

Ellen D.

Change of Plans

Winter vacation was over and the teacher asked little Cynthia  Rosenberg about her family trip.

“We visited my grandparents in Minneapolis, Minnesota,” Cynthia replied.

The teacher asked, “Great, can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Cynthia replied, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”

Sharon N.

Baggage Claim

An Israeli student named Itzik who was studying at NYU was heading back to Israel for the holidays. When he got to the airline counter, he presented his ticket to Tel Aviv. As he gave the agent his luggage, he said, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to New York, and my black suitcase to Boston.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

“Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

Ezra A.