100 Percent Canadian
One afternoon, little Shmuli, who lived in the northernmost region of Canada, was sitting with his father in the snow. Shmuli turned to his father and asked, “Dad, am I really Canadian?”
The father replied, “Of course, Shmuli, you’re 100 percent Canadian.”
A few minutes later, Shmuli turned to his father again and asked, “Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I really 100 percent Canadian?”
The father answered, “Son, I’m 100 percent Canadian, your mother is 100 percent Canadian, so you are definitely 100 percent Canadian.”
Shmuli seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and asked, “Dad, don’t think you’re sparing my feelings. I’ve got to know. Am I 100 percent Canadian?”
The father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said, “Why do you keep asking if you’re 100 percent Canadian?”
Shmuli replied, “Because I’m freezing!”
Charlie E.
Career Change
Abe Horowitz had been a salesman in the garment district all his life, but was getting tired of the constant battles with customers. So he decided to give up his job and become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked Abe how he liked his new role.
“Well,” Abe replied, “the pay is terrible, the hours are too long, and I’ve gained twenty pounds because of all of these donuts. But the one thing I love is that the customer is always wrong.”
Jack G.
A Long Life
Q: What blessing do you give someone who just turned 120?
A: Have a nice day!
Michael C.
Say Cheese
Esther saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, so she started worrying about her eight-year-old daughter Rachel who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, Esther saw Rachel walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.
Seeing her mother, little Rachel ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, “All the way home, Hashem has been taking my picture!”
Gladys D.
Lottery Winners
Goldie & Stan Levy won five million dollars in the lottery. They were so excited with their windfall that they immediately started living the good life. They bought a luxurious mansion and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They decided to hire a butler and after much searching, they found the perfect one. The Levy’s instructed the butler to set up dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohen’s, over for Shavuot. Just before their guests were due to arrive, Goldie and Stan noticed that the table had been set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set instead of four, the butler replied, “The Cohen’s called to say that they were bringing the Blintzes.”
Morty H.
Couple of Tests
Little Herbie was saddened by the fact that his Zadie was in the hospital. So he decided to write Zadie a “get well soon” card. Inside the card he wrote:
Dear Zadie,
Mommy tells me that you went to the hospital for some tests. I hope you get straight “A’s”!
Love, Herbie
Molly B.
Picture Menu
Dave and Wendy were on their first trip to Israel and stopped into Udi’s Excellent Falafel House for lunch. They were reading the menu over the counter and then noticed a sign to the side that stated “Picture Menu Available.”
Dave thought that this was interesting so he asked Udi what it was.
“It’s for customers, maybe who have eye problems and they can’t read the menu,” Udi replied.
“So how would your customers know this picture menu was available if they can’t read?” Dave asked.
“Well,” responded Udi, “it says so on the sign, doesn’t it?”
Susan A.
A Tie That Pops
Chaim Yankel got a new job at a men’s clothing store and he was hoping that this was the job that he could finally hold down.
On his first day, he saw a customer approach him. With his manager watching the interaction, Chaim Yankel was determined to impress.
“Good morning ma’am. How may I help you?”
“I’m looking for a tie that will really make my husband’s blue eyes pop,” said the lady.
“Ma’am,” replied Chaim Yankel, “Any tie will make your husband’s eyes pop if you tie it tight enough!”
Dave Z.
A Big Pain
“Oy!” groaned old Marvin Himmelfarb. “I must have appendicitis,” he said as he clutched his left side.
“It can’t be appendicitis,” said his wife Myra confidently replied.
“How do you know?” asked Marvin. “You are a doctor all of a sudden?”
“I’m not a doctor but I do know that your appendix is on the right side of your body.”
“Aha!” said Marvin. “THAT’s why it hurts so much. My appendix is on the wrong side!”
Clara K.
Hard Day at Work
Moishe dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife Rivkah was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
“My, you look tired,” Rivkah said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” Moishe said. “We had no computer or internet access the whole day so all of us had to do our own thinking!”
Carl T.
A Reasonable Doubt
Jack Feinstein was a top defense attorney known for coming up with creative defenses for his clients. But on this day, Feinstein had an uphill battle. His client was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. So, in his closing statement, knowing that his client would probably get convicted, Feinstein came up with a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” Feinstein said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, Feinstein said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But, how?” inquired Feinstein. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t!”
Eli M.