Dishwasher Repair
Old Mrs. Shpeilman lived alone except for her dog and her parrot. One day, Mrs. Shpeilman’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to spend the day at her daughter’s house the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”
And, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Shpeilman’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just sat there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
Mark B.
Unwanted Gift
Figuring that her four-year-old son Max was listening in the next room, Shira decided to tell her husband David the birthday gift she had bought for Max by spelling out the words “fire truck.”
David nodded and said, “I think it would be a great gift.”
From the other side of the wall, they heard little Max yell, “I don’t want letters for my birthday!”
Rena T.
Computer Is Down
Rachel’s new office computer system was down as much as it was working, so she had to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding.
“What a perfect end to an awful day!” Rochel exclaimed. “Our computer is up, then down – up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!”
The officer was unaffected by Rochel’s griping, and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed like an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, “Sorry for taking so long, our computer was down.”
Chuck D.
Breakfast Barter
Talia, a young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons Moishie and Shmueli, five and three years old, respectively. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake.
Talia, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to think about their favorite rabbi, Rabbi Felder and asked, “What do you think Rabbi Felder would do in this instance? I think he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake.’”
Moishie quickly turned to Shmueli and said, “You be Rabbi Felder!”
Sharon M.
Frum Chess Player
Abe meets his friend Morris on the train one morning. “Hello Morris,” he says, “where are you off to so early?”
“I’m on my way to visit my grandpa,” replies Morris. “We’re going to play chess.”
“Didn’t you once tell me that your grandpa was a good chess player?” asks Abe.
“Yes,” replies Morris. “And he still is.”
“And isn’t he also very frum?” asks Abe.
“He sure is,” replies Morris. “In fact, our family calls him the frumest chess player in the world.”
“Why do you call him that?” asks Abe.
“Because he uses a special chess set he had made up to his own specification – a chess set where the king and the bishops have been replaced by rabbis.”
Eddie Z.
Fore!
Sol and Morty belonged to a country club outside of Boca. They were having a conversation one day after a round of golf.
“Morty, why don’t you play golf with Mel anymore?” asked Sol.
“Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Morty asked.
“Well, no,” admitted Sol.
“Neither will Mel,” replied Morty.
Jamie A.
One-Liners
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing. It just waved!
Q: Why aren’t lobsters generous?
A: Because they’re shellfish!
Q: Where do birds stay when they go on summer vacation?
A: Someplace cheep!
Victor G.
The Missing Door
Chaim Yankel checked into a hotel for his first ever hotel stay. He goes up to his room and five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
Chaim Yankel says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘Do not disturb’ sign on it.”
Moshe H.
Baby Doctor
Susan’s nephew Steven was four when she was pregnant with her first child. She allowed Steven to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.
His little face scrunched as he asked, “How does the baby get out of there?”
Susan smiled and said, “The doctor will help.”
Steven’s eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, “You’ve got a doctor in there, too?”
Lisa E.
Bank Statement
Alex is sitting in his office one morning when his phone rings.
“Mr. Minkovsky,” says the caller, “my name is Peter Burton and I’m the manager of your bank. As you know, you hold your business account with us and I’m calling to inform you that at close of business yesterday, your account was overdrawn by nearly $600.”
“Thank you mister bank manager for letting me know this,” replies Alex. “Do you have access to my account statements for the last three months?”
“Yes, I have them in front of me,” replies the bank manager.
“So, could you tell me what was my account balance at the end of each of the last three months?” asks Alex.
“Yes, of course,” replies the bank manager. “Over the last three months, your account ended the month in credit by $789.26, $1,245.90, and $444.01.”
“So nu, mister bank manager,” says Alex, “Did I phone you up on those occasions?”
Jeff W.
Talking Turkey
Chaim Yankel decided to venture out of his native Chelm to get a job in a nearby city working at the grocery store. On his first day, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked Chaim Yankel, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Chaim Yankel replied, “No, they’re dead.”
Mazal F.