QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I have been married for eight years. My wife is a wonderful person, I can’t deny that. We do struggle in one area though, which is the source of tremendous frustration. My wife has frequent rages, where she will yell and scream. The “infractions” that I have done to warrant these lashings are very insignificant. For example, if she says to take out the garbage and I tell her, “I’ll get to it in a few minutes,” she goes into a fit, many times in front of the kids, which pains me so much. She does mention often that she is depressed and unhappy with herself. When I mention to her to seek help, she gets very defensive. Rabbi, I do feel hopeless. Is there anything that I can do to get her the help that she needs?
Thank you in advance…
R’ ALI’S RESPONSE:
There are multiple points that you bring up however, I would like to discuss one point. Many times, people are looking for practical tips and ideas. In your situation, you basically want to know how to get your wife the help that she needs. However, many times a few perspective changes can alleviate a lot of frustration. We should stop with the all-or-nothing mentality and realize that every little bit of clarity and change is tremendous, as I will explain. Maybe you will be able to get her the help that she desperately needs and maybe you won’t, but if we can bring you to a place that’s below your “boiling point,” well, then you won’t be boiling.
First, I’d like to mention your attitude towards your wife. I’m sure you mean well as do many others in your situation. However, if she tells you that she is going through some serious emotional issues, there is no reason to become defensive or even be moved by her outbursts. Many times, people will tell me that their spouse is suffering from something emotionally, and on the other hand they get frustrated as to how they are being treated. To be as blunt as possible, it’s not you, it’s her. Stop getting defensive and just be there for her. If you understand that it’s not you, there’s nothing to be defensive about.
The truth is, this concept applies in healthy marriages to some extent. When a spouse is emotionally charged and venting, there’s really no need to get frustrated or angry. Recognize that they are going through something right now. It could be a hard day at work or with the children, or any number of things. Most of the time they are not yelling and screaming to engage in a logical debate. To be clear, you are never justified for “losing your cool,” or saying negative things to your spouse or to anyone. The prohibition of ona’at devarim is mentioned in the Torah and therefore we must be very careful with everyone’s feelings. I admit, restraining oneself takes work, but this is what we’re here for. I’ve seen so many heroes overcome some tough marital challenges. I believe you can do it as well.
As for the emotional status of your wife, there’s something that’s extremely important to think about. There’s a lot that you can do to help her emotional state even without or before she gets help. I know from experience and logic, that a husband who “plays his cards right” can minimize a lot of his wife’s emotional distress. How so? Many times there are other issues contributing to her frustration. It could be that she doesn’t feel understood. On top of her emotional issue, she now has a husband who not only doesn’t “get her,” but she may also feel that her husband thinks that she is crazy. This is very painful. If you would be there for her when she’s yelling at you and putting you down, you can minimize her frustration. “I see that you’re very upset. I feel terrible. I’m here for you.” As Rabbi Avigdor Miller, zt”l, said, those words, or something similar, are like a balm on a wound.
This is a sensitive topic and should be discussed with a competent professional. The ideas here are food for thought and should in no way be a substitute for professional advice.