Rabbi David Sutton & Dr. David Katzenstein, LCSW-R
As a bachur, Rav Yerucham Levovitz learned in the Talmud Torah of Kelm. Prestigious kollel avreichim learned there, as well, though they lived the life of bachurim. They would leave their homes, travel to Kelm, learn there for a month at a time, and only see their wives and children for a short time at the end of every month.
Weakness or Greatness?
A fire once broke out in one of the houses next to the Talmud Torah, and many nearby houses burned down, though the bet midrash remained intact. As the fire raged on, edging ever closer to the yeshivah, an outstanding kollel avreich thought to himself, “I hope the yeshivah burns down. Then I’ll be able to go home to my wife and children.”
When we hear this, our first reaction may be, Oh my goodness, this man is a horror! But when sharing the story (Daat Torah, Bamidbar p. 82-83), Rav Yerucham has a different take. In his opinion, this is a sign of greatness. The avreich knew himself and realized that deep down inside he had a desire to return home to see his wife and kids. If he were to just show up at home in the middle of the zman (semester), his wife might say, “Why are you coming home now? You’re supposed to be learning in yeshivah. You don’t belong here.” But if he could say, “The yeshivah burned down. I had to come home,” he would have an acceptable excuse, and he would not have to be embarrassed to come back to his family.
Understanding Oneself
A person must be able to recognize his shortcomings, asserts Rav Yerucham. This is why the Torah is always looking for and finding fault in our Avot, and the Dor HaMidbar. Sefer Bamidbar is replete with stories of Klal Yisrael’s complaints and grumbles, their agitation and insurrection. This is the Torah’s way of showing what is really going on inside of a human being. The pasuk says: Though man is glorious, if he does not understand himself, he is like the silenced animals (Tehillim 49:21). Rav Yerucham tells us that a person who does not really know what is going on inside himself is not considered a human being at all.
The Pele Yoetz (on the topic of pachad, fear) shares a story that took place in the time of the Rambam. An adam gadol did not want to say Viduy on Yom Kippur, claiming that he had not
committed many of the sins enumerated in the text. Why should he lie before Gd? Don’t we say that the stamp of Gd is truth?
The Rambam countered, “If you truly understood the level of avodat Hashem demanded of each individual, you would realize that a day does not go by in which you do not commit every transgression listed in the Viduy, and then some.”
How can that be? Every single day, a great person transgressed in so many areas?
Look at the Fine Points
Take a look at David HaMelech. The Navi informs us that David HaMelech sinned with a married woman, when, in truth, she was divorced (II Shmuel, Ch. 11-12). So what does that mean? We are not to merely view the full picture of an action, but the fine points, as well. True, David did not sin with a married woman, but he erred in the subtle points of his action. Though the adam gadol in the days of the Rambam had not actually committed all the sins in the Viduy, he may have transgressed in the small nuances, which, if one is perfectly honest, are associated with more serious iniquity. We are all encouraged to look carefully through our deeds, including the fine points, and learn to know ourselves.
Rav Yisrael Salantar admitted that he would not want to be left in a room with uncounted money. Other baalei mussar went a step further. “If you left me in a room with uncounted money, I would take it.” Does that really mean they would take it? No, it means that they felt that they had some kind of taste for that sin inside of themselves – because they were always checking on themselves.