Math Lesson
A student fell off his chair during a math lesson and sprained his finger. The teacher grabbed a first-aid kit and applied a splint. Only after the teacher finished did he realize that he’d put it on the wrong finger.
“I’m sorry,” the teacher said, looking rather embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” the student replied. “You were only off by one digit.”
Barbra H.
Cold Water
A young community volunteer offered to mow the lawn for a poor old woman who lived in his village. When he arrived at her house, the woman was so grateful and she invited him in for a cup of tea and a cookie.
As he ate the cookie, the boy noticed a shiny substance coating his plate. When the old woman saw him staring at it, she said, “Sorry, dear, it’s as clean as cold water could get it.”
When he’d finished mowing the lawn the old woman invited him in again for a sandwich. This time, he noticed, not only was there a shiny substance, it also had hard patches of dried egg on it.
“I’m so sorry,” the old woman said again. “It’s as clean as cold water could get it.”
The boy smiled politely and finished his sandwich. When he went to leave, an old dog, that had been asleep on its bed, stood up and blocked the doorway, its teeth bared as it growled at him.
The woman waved her walking stick at the dog. Then she shouted, “Cold Water … get back in your bed!”
Ralph T.
Inflation
My wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car’s gas tank and tires. My wife was surprised to see that the station charged a fee to fill the tires and asked me, “Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!”
I responded, “Inflation.”
Mark D.
Advanced Warning
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man’s message was: “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”
Max K.
Like Lightning
A young boy was doing some handiwork with his father. When it came to putting a picture on the wall the father said, “I’ll do this one… You’re like lightning with a hammer.”
The boy said, “Wow, is that because I’m so fast?”
“No, it’s because you never strike the same place twice!”
Jordan B.
Doctor Visit
A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you have to help me. I think I’m a moth!” The doctor says, “You don’t need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist.” The man replies, “I know, but I was passing by, and I saw your light on!”
Marlene A.
Cold Soup
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold.”
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?”
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been fine!”
Vivian R.
Back Again
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
Dave E.
New Handyman
A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”
Benjamin G.
Eye Pain
A woman goes to an eye specialist and says, “Doctor, I have a problem. Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye.” The specialist examines her and says, “I’ve never heard of this before. Can you show me what happens?” The woman takes a sip of her coffee and immediately screams in pain. The specialist looks closely and sees a spoon sticking out of the woman’s eye. The doctor says, “Well, there’s your problem. You’re supposed to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink your coffee!”
Susan K.
Book Request
A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on turtles. The librarian asks, “Hardback?” The woman replies, “Yeah, with a little head and legs.”
Morris C.
Job Interview
A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer asks him, “What’s your greatest weakness?” The man thinks for a moment and says, “Well, I’m brutally honest.” The interviewer says, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.” The man replies, “I don’t really care what you think!”
Victor M.
Secret Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a young boy was using the following password: “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.” When asked why such a long password, the boy replied that he was told that the password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Sharon Z.
New Diet
My brother came back from school all motivated because he said he would be following a new diet from that day. We didn’t really give it much thought until my brother really started eating his homework for dinner. When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, “I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me.”
Sammy S.