QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I would like to say my marriage has been good, but the truth is that it’s been anything but good. My husband is a great guy but he is extremely overbearing. He checks my phone calls and emails and interrogates me about my conversations. I have told him multiple times to stop, but he says we’re married and we are supposed to share everything. My question is, are we supposed to share everything?
R’ Ali’s Response:
There are many facets to this question. It is important to note that this situation is common and applies to both women and men.. I will address the topic first and then get back to your question. I must clarify first that if both husband and wife look through each other’s phone freely and there’s a mutual understanding that this is okay, then, for the most part it is fine. I am addressing this specific scenario where one of the two is not pleased with this behavior.
The famous Rabbi Shimon Gruen’s recipe for a strong healthy marriage is called the “mine, yours, and ours” concept. When it comes to decision making in a marriage, things can innocently get confusing and even frustrating. Before marriage, we made our own decisions as to where we go, what we eat, where we live, etc. Once we get married, many of our decisions will affect our spouse indirectly. If they do not like our clothes, for example, then they will be uncomfortable with our choice. If one wants to live in New York and one wants to live in New Jersey, only one party will get what they want. These decisions can be tricky and can be the source of much frustration. So, whose decision is it? People will come into a marriage with different ideas and philosophies of “who calls the shots,” based on upbringing or ideas they have heard.
First, there is the “mine” area. That is the area that directly affects you. Those are the decisions that usually make up who you are as an individual – what clothes you wear, what foods you eat, who your friends are, etc. These decisions belong to you alone. Your spouse should not be dictating how you operate. Of course, each spouse’s decisions and behaviors should be in the realm of what is considered acceptable and normal. To wear a clown suit all day is abnormal and your spouse has a right to tell you that this is unacceptable. It does get tricky, so as a rule of
thumb I tell people in order to determine what is normal is usually something that is a matter of preference. To be clear, this “mine” concept is a healthy way of living, to be your natural self so long as you are not harming anyone else.
The next part is the “yours,” which is the exact opposite of the “mine.” This is allowing your spouse to make decisions that pertain directly to themselves.
The third part is the “ours.” This is a shared area that pertains directly to both parties – where to live, where to send the kids to school, having children, etc.
In this area, both husband and wife have a say and should equally be involved in these decisions. This entire concept may sound mechanical and even confusing, but it is at the core of much marital friction.
There is another element to the “mine” and “yours” and that is privacy. Many people have a hard time with this, but each spouse is entitled to a certain amount of privacy. Not every conversation with everyone must or even should be shared. This does not mean we should hide things from our spouse. It means that everyone has a right to a certain amount of privacy. This does get tricky and is advisable to consult a professional with any questions.
Getting back to your questions, cell phones belong to their owners. There are many private conversations with family members or friends that are not meant for anyone else’s ears or eyes. A wife will hear from her sister that she is pregnant and should not tell anyone. A husband who sees this conversation without permission is breaching her privacy. In short, everyone should respect their spouse’s request not to look through their phone. If you have any questions, just ask! Communication is healthier than snooping around. If you have a specific situation that needs resolving, consult with your rabbi or a professional.