Horsing Around
A family went to a ranch to go horseback riding. They all had the chance to pick out their own horses. The dad was the last to pick his out because he helped his kids all get on their horses first. As he kicked his foot into the stirrup, an old ranch hand, leaning against a fencepost, drawled out, “I don’t know about that old nag, mister. She don’t look so good.”
The dad, sweating and ready to start said, “She looks fine to me. Can we just get going?” The ranch hand shook his head and said, “It’s your ride, mister.” And he motioned to the lead horse to get started. The horses knew the way and started off.
About an hour later, the family returned. The dad was all covered in dust. His face was all scratched up and his shirt had been torn in several places. “This is an outrage!” he yelled. “This horse ran into trees, tore through thornbushes, and ran headlong into low hanging branches. It’s like she’s blind!”
The ranch hand pulled a piece of straw from between his teeth and said, “Well, she is.”
“Why didn’t you warn me?” screamed the dad.
“I did,” said the ranch hand. “I told you she don’t look so good.”
Max B.
Dudu’s Gym
Saul joins a local gym in Jerusalem called “Dudu’s.” He can never find the time to go, but when he gets a letter in the mail saying that Dudu’s will cancel his membership unless he renews, he rushes down to make a payment.
When he arrives, his speaks to the gym’s owner, Dudu, and says half-jokingly, “So be honest with me, do you have a name for guys like me who join and never show up?”
“Yes,” says Dudu. “Profit.”
Allan R.
New Security System
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system…
“Attention standby passengers – we now have a seat available on El Al flight number 386.”
Benjamin S.
Udder Confusion
There were two cows out in a field, talking to each other. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad cow disease is really pretty scary. They say it’s spreading fast – I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “I am not worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”
Ronnie P.
No Strings Attached
Two strings walk up to a restaurant. The first string walks in and orders and the owner throws him out and yells, “I don’t serve strings in this restaurant!”
The other string messes his hair up, ties an overhand in his midsection and walks in. The owner shouts, “Hey, didn’t you hear what I told your buddy?”
The string says “Yeah.”
The owner says, “Aren’t you a string?”
The string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot!”
Donna A.
Encyclopedia Junior
Mrs. Rosenstein was hired as the new librarian at the local yeshiva and one of the skills she wanted to teach the students was how to find information the old-fashioned way – without the internet. So, she found a deal on an encyclopedia set and had it delivered to the library.
On a tour of the library, Eli saw the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
“What are all these books?” Eli asked.
Somewhat surprised, the librarian replied that they were encyclopedias.
“Really?” Eli said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?”
Simon S.
Engine Trouble
A large two-engine train was crossing New York and at the helm was a train engineer who had recently moved from Israel – Itzik Hadari. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down.
“No problem,” Itzik said and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill.
Itzik decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”
Lisa N.
Dressing Up
Miriam said to Harold, “Honey, I need a new dress.”
“Miriam, you can’t just go shopping all of the time,” said Harold.
“But I need a new dress,” said Miriam.
“What’s wrong with the one you’ve got?” asked Harold.
“It’s a little long and…well… the veil keeps getting in my eyes.”
Carol K.
Duty Calls
Abe goes to see his boss and says, “We’re doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re shorthanded, Abe,” the boss replies. “Sorry, but I just can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Abe, “I knew I could count on you!”
Raymond F.
Eating Out
David and Cathy lived in a small town so they didn’t get to go out and eat in kosher restaurants very often. That’s why they were very excited about their trip to New York.
They went to a restaurant that they had been to on their last trip to New York years ago, and because it was the height of tourist season the restaurant was packed.
Finally, catching the eye of an overworked waiter, David said, “You know, it’s been over five years since we first came in here.”
“You’ll have to wait your turn, sir,” replied the harried waiter. “I can only serve one table at a time.”
Ralph M.
Face to Face
Little Shloimie was sitting on his Zadie’s lap as Zadie read him a bedtime story. From time to time, Shloimie would take his eyes off the book and reach up to touch Zadie’s white beard, and his wrinkled cheek. Shloimie would alternately stroke his own cheek. Finally Shloimie spoke up, “Zadie, did Hashem make you?”
“Yes, Shloimie,” he answered. “Hashem made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” he paused. “Zadie, did Hashem make me, too?”
“Yes, indeed,” he said. “Hashem made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, Shloimie observed, “Hashem’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”
Adele G.