Rabbi David Ashear
Many righteous individuals have children who have veered off the path of Judaism, thereby causing them great anguish. Family harmony is shattered, their other children are negatively influenced, and the wayward child’s behavior brings much shame into their life. “We tried so hard to educate our child and show him the beauty of Torah and mitzvos,” they may say, “but it got us nowhere. Why should we invest effort with our other children? We’re obviously failures.”
What can we say to give them chizuk?
The Gemara (Chagigah 4b) says that when Shaul HaMelech summoned Shmuel HaNavi from Gan Eden, Shmuel thought he was being called to judgment in front of Hashem. He became afraid and brought Moshe Rabbeinu along to defend him.
Rav Menashe Reisman quoted Rav Meir Simchah of Dvinsk who wondered why Shmuel was so afraid. Didn’t he know that he was a tzaddik? He answered by quoting a Midrash on Tehillim (80) that tells us that Shmuel’s children, Yoel and Aviya, were wicked. Shmuel was afraid he was going to be held accountable for his children’s sins. Therefore, he brought Moshe Rabbeinu, whose son Gershom also had a child who was idolatrous.
The Midrash relates at the end of Parashas Chukas (33) that when Hashem told Moshe (Shemos 34:7), “…recalling the iniquity of parents upon children,” children will be held accountable for the sins of their fathers (and vice versa). Moshe pleaded with Hashem: “What about when a child is a complete tzaddik and his father was a rasha, like Avraham, the son of Terach? Or what about when the father is a tzaddik but his son goes off, like Chizkiyahu, the son of Achaz?”
Hashem responded, “In those cases, you are right. Fathers shall not be put to death because of sons, and sons shall not be put to death because of fathers (Devarim 24:16). A father will only be held accountable for his child’s wrongdoings when he was the cause of his deviating from the proper path. So, too, a child will only be held accountable for his father when he continues in his ways.”
Shmuel HaNavi was completely righteous; he gave his children the best chinuch. In fact, he taught the entire generation to go in the ways of Hashem, yet his own children didn’t follow in his footsteps.
We see that it is possible for parents to give their children the right education, and nevertheless, the children veer from their path. Some of our greatest luminaries had children who did not follow in their path. In those situations, we say that it’s min haShamayim – from Heaven. This family was given the test of raising a rebellious child. If the parents did what they could to educate the child, they should not hold themselves accountable should he depart from their ways. It’s a test like any other. They have to respond the way Hashem wants them to respond. Each situation is different. They should seek rabbinic guidance on how to proceed. However, they must do their utmost to always love and educate all of their children to the best of their ability.
Chizkiyahu HaMelech was the gadol hador. He elevated his people to the highest levels, yet his own son, Menashe, became a complete rasha. Rabbeinu Nissim Gaon writes that even King Chizkiyahu saw a prophecy that his son would go off, he still educated him and tried his hardest to make him righteous. In the end, Menashe repented and taught us that teshuvah is always possible. The chinuch his father gave him helped him years later. Even if a child does go off, the education he received from his parents remains stored in his memory. Years down the line, it may suddenly have an impact and steer him back in the right direction.
If we try our best, we are fulfilling our obligation. We can only put in the effort, but results are not in our control.