QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I hope you can give me some advice on how to deal with this situation as it’s been taking a toll on my relationship. I work very hard to provide for my family and make a decent living. Sometimes, things are good and other times money is tight. The past year-and-a-half my business has been slow. We are not in a position to spend as we used to, whether it be winter break or summer vacation. I find that my wife and I are fighting a lot about this. I don’t blame her at all. I just would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this situation.
R’ Ali’s Response:
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this in the past, but it’s worthwhile mentioning again. It’s wonderful when I see more and more people reaching out for help instead of suffering for no reason. Many times, all a couple needs are a few pointers and their marriage dramatically changes for the better. Even if a couple isn’t suffering, but rather needs some clarity, it’s still recommended to reach out to someone who deals with shalom bayit.
Before I give you practical advice, I’d like to mention a few points on this topic in for you and the readers to gain the proper Torah perspective. Everyone, men and women must understand and internalize the fact that money comes from Hashem. I’m well aware that this is a marriage column, but as people of the Torah, we need to incorporate the proper Torah ideologies into our lives. Men are obligated to support their wives and do the proper hishtadlut. At the end of the day, we must all believe, acknowledge, and accept the fact that the amount of money we receive has been decreed by Hashem on Rosh Hashanah.
Practically speaking, women should be understanding of two things. One, your husband cannot make more than the decreed amount, and two, do not be resentful if he is not bringing in the amount that you’d like. Expressing your frustration towards him will make an already stressful situation into a shalom bayit issue. He may feel down on himself or as many people tell me, they feel like a failure.
I completely understand that the standard of living these days is high and we need a lot of money to get by. However, this is (for the most part) not your husband’s fault. Being an eshet chayil means being there for your husband whether he is making money or not. Respect is not contingent on dollars and cents. We respect our spouse no matter what they “make of themselves.”
On the flip side, many men overwork when their wives would prefer to live a minimalistic lifestyle and have their husband around for her and the family. Many men say, “I’m working all these hours for you,” but their wives are saying they don’t need all of the “extra” money.
Of course, everyone’s situation is different and should be discussed with a third party and people should not rely on an article to make any drastic changes in their work ethic or marriage. Getting back to your question, I believe you need to practice gentle communication with your wife. I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but as a general rule, you should let your wife know how much you can and can’t spend. Validate her needs, instead of saying, “Leave me alone I can’t afford it.” Tell her, “I totally understand you want to go away, I wish we could. Be’ezrat Hashem, things will get better.”
In conclusion, having high standards hurts many relationships. Work on being happy with what you have. As the Mishnah says, a true rich man is happy with what he has.
A Gemara asks the question, “How does one become rich?” and answers, “Pray to the One who has the riches.” I hope we all understand that is referring to Hashem!
Work together as a team, pray to Hashem, and you should see tons of bracha in your life and your marriage, amen.