Techno-Diner
Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with Sarah’s view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waiter walked away, he slipped on a wet spot on the floor. “How about that?” she observed dryly. “Our server is down.”
Sally T.
Fatherly Advice
“When I was learning to drive in the winter,” a father told his son, “I learned that if you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, the son got lost on his way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high that he couldn’t see any street signs. With no map in his car and a dead cell phone, he thought he might be stranded, so he pulled over to the side of the road.
Then breaking through the flurries, he saw the headlights of a plow truck in his rearview mirror. Thanking his lucky stars, he turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead him back somewhere he recognized.
He followed that truck for what felt like hours. When the truck turned left, he’d turn left. The truck swung to the right, and he was right on its tail. After a while, the son saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and he saw the driver get out and approach his car. He rolled down the window to talk to him.
“Why are you following me, kid?” the plow driver asked.
“Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it.”
“Well,” said the plow driver, “I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??”
Nathan S.
A Sure Cure
After suffering from a miserable cold for a week, Jeff visited his doctor and begged for relief. The doctor prescribed a pill, but it didn’t work. A week later, Jeff returned to the doctor, who gave him a shot. With no improvement in his condition and sicker than ever, Jeff visited the doctor a third time and said, “I’ve tried two medications you prescribed so far and neither of them helped. So before you recommend another treatment, you had better be sure it’s the right one.”
“Okay then, this is what I want you to do,” the doctor said. “Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But I’ll get pneumonia!” protested Jeff.
“Exactly,” the doctor answered, “that I know how to treat!”
Abie C.
Hotel Gripe
One cold, winter morning, a man walks up to the front desk of a hotel and complains to the concierge that he couldn’t sleep last night thanks to his upstairs neighbor.
They both decide to visit the room above to investigate. After some knocking, the concierge opens the door to find a guest who looked a bit groggy; after some explanation from the concierge later, the guest apologized and explained that he had just flopped on his bed after a long, exhausting day, and took off his winter boot, which landed heavily on the floor. Realizing how noisy it was, he decided to carefully take his other winter boot off and gently place it on the floor.
The manager, confused about the first guest’s intent, asks him, “You’re telling me you couldn’t sleep from that one thud?” The man replies, “I was waiting for the other boot to drop!”
Martin G.
A Ticket to Ride
A motorist was speeding down the highway when a cop caught up with him and ticketed him for speeding. “What am I supposed to do with this?” the motorist grumbled as the policeman handed him the speeding ticket.
“Keep it,” the cop said. “When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Rena P.
The Vitality Secret
My wife recently ran into the housekeeper who used to clean our house many years ago and was surprised to hear that she was still at it, despite her advanced age. “How do you manage to do all the strenuous work housekeeping entails?” my wife asked.
“I do housework for clients who can’t see the dirt any better than I can,” she replied.
Jack G.
Food Service
Upon entering a local burger joint, Jason ordered a burger with a tomatoes and “minimal lettuce.” The woman behind the counter apologetically replied, “Sorry, but we only have iceberg lettuce.”
Ed G.
A Winter Break
A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin. One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor’s error in the 1990s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it’s actually a part of Belarus.
“Oh thank Gd!” the man exclaims. “I don’t think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here.”
Greg K.
Need of Relief
Phil was exhausted. His wife had just given birth and he had to watch their four older children for a few days. Although it was only for two hours a day, Phil was at his wits’ end and he had a splitting headache. Looking for some relief, he brought the kids over to his parents’ home for a visit. As soon as his father saw him, he noticed his poor condition.
“Phil, you look terrible,” he observed. “Why don’t I get you some aspirin?”
“No thanks, Dad,” Phil replied. “I just took two aspirin.”
“Well, it seems you didn’t follow the instructions,” his father said. Dad brought Phil a bottle and showed him the small print: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
Alice B.
Inner Harmony
My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
A. N.
Lightning Hammer
During our home renovation, my wife was watching me drive in some nails. “You hammer like lightning,” she said.
“Really?” I replied, flattered.
“Yes, really…you never strike the same place twice.”
Molly H.