Tammy Sassoon
Every child comes into the world wired differently, with unique gifts and challenges. And it’s all by design. People who are aware of and comfortable with their gifts and challenges are able to use them both to bring more greatness into the world.
Some children are deep thinkers, some feel everything intensely, while others are calm observers. As parents, we often focus on correcting weaknesses, trying to make our child more organized, more social, more compliant, or more confident. While building skills is important, one of the most powerful ways to help children thrive is by identifying their unique strengths and setting up their lives so they can use them..
When children learn to use their talents, hard work feels empowering instead of exhausting.
Shift the Question: “What’s Wrong?” to “What’s Strong?”
Many behavior challenges are actually strengths showing up in unhelpful ways. A persistent child may act stubbornly. An empathetic child may come across as very sensitive. A child with strong analytical thinking and a need to ask “why” may argue often.
When we as parents reframe behavior in our own minds through a strengths-based lens, the emotional tone of parenting shifts. Instead of frustration, there is curiosity. Instead of control, there is guidance. This doesn’t mean excusing inappropriate behavior, it means understanding the engine behind it.
Ask yourself the following questions: What does my child do easily that others find hard? What energizes them? When do they feel most capable?
The answers often reveal strengths hiding in plain sight.
Name Strengths Out Loud
Children internalize the labels they hear most. If a child constantly hears “dramatic,” “lazy,” or “difficult,” they begin to see themselves that way. Naming strengths, specifically and consistently, helps children build a healthier self-concept.
Instead of generic praise like, “Good job,” try: “You noticed when your friend was upset, that shows empathy.” “You kept trying even when it was hard, that’s persistence.” “You asked thoughtful questions, that shows curiosity.”
Specific language teaches children who they are, not just what they did.
Match Expectations to the Child, Not the Ideal
One of the most common parenting mistakes is expecting every child to succeed the same way. A child who learns best through movement may struggle in long-seated tasks. A child who thinks deeply may need more processing time before responding. When expectations don’t align with a child’s strengths, children often believe that they are failures, even when they are capable. Instead, adapt the environment:
- Let verbal children explain their thinking out loud.
- Give visual thinkers charts or diagrams.
- Allow high-energy children movement breaks before expecting focus.
When expectations fit the child, cooperation increases naturally.
Model Strength-Based Thinking
Children learn how to view themselves by watching how parents view themselves. When parents constantly criticize their own weaknesses or compare themselves to others, children absorb that mindset. Try modeling statements like:
- “I’m not great at remembering details, so I use reminders.”
- “I’m someone who thinks deeply, so I take time before deciding.”
- “This is hard for me, but I also know what I’m good at.”