QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
Thank you for your column, it has given me so many practical tips that really enhanced my marriage. There is one topic that I heard you speak about that resonates with me, that is “being pleasant to be around.” Baruch Hashem, my wife and I have a great relationship. However, my wife is negative all the time. That negativity is not directed towards me, but rather about anything and everything going on in her daily life. I tried getting her to listen to your class but she didn’t want to. Do you have any advice?
R’ Ali’s Response:
First, I’d like to elaborate on this concept to gain more clarity and then, with Hashem’s help, I will answer your question.
We all love our spouse and want to feel loved as well (I say feel, because they do love you). When people are easy-going, kind, appreciative, and patient, we enjoy being around them. And unfortunately, the opposite is true. When people are unkind, are ingrates, or are impatient, they are less appealing to be around.
When it comes to our spouse, generally, when we’re pleasant and easy-going, they will want to spend more time with us. The things that we want and maybe even need can come organically as opposed to “pulling teeth.”
People often call me saying that they feel like their spouse has no interest in them. When we discuss the situation, I realize that they make it hard to be around them! This can happen when they do not let their spouse talk, criticize them, or ignore them by being consistently on their phone. The simple antidote is to make sure you’re someone you would like to be around. This is not always the case, but it is very common.
Getting back to your question, there are a few things to think about. I always like people to understand both sides, as clarity is half of the battle. The first question to ask yourself is: is she really negative or are you just exhausted and lack the patience to listen to her talk? I have no reason to believe that you are or are not patient, I’m just throwing this out there to cover all of my bases.
If she is negative all of the time, it’s important to understand why and what you can do about it. Maybe she’s ultra-sensitive and has a low tolerance for discomfort. Not that this will stop the negativity, but it can give you some clarity on her behavior and you can look at her in a better light. She may be struggling as opposed to annoying. Also, you should see if there are things that you can do to relieve her of other daily stressors.
You can also change your perspective a little and look at your listening to her vent as giving your wife something that she needs. You would love to buy her everything she wants in order to make her happy, so why not be a listening ear, which is free?!
She isn’t negative toward you, which is important to acknowledge. That is a good thing! Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to direct negativity at a spouse, which is not great.
After you’ve thought about all of these points, I have one idea that can be helpful for many other situations. You can always say, “I need some time to unwind or to take care of something, and after that, I’m all ears.” This gives you time to mentally prepare for the negativity and possibly a very long conversation. This has to be done gently and not with aggression, chas v’shalom. And, of course, pray to Hashem for assistance in your marriage.