Tammy Sassoon
When we raise a child who struggles with anxiety, our instinct is to help them feel better as quickly as possible. We see their distress, and we want to soothe it, remove it, or protect them from whatever is causing it. That instinct comes from a loving place. But there’s an important distinction that can make a huge difference in how our children learn to handle anxiety: the difference between compassion and pity.
At first glance, they can look similar. Both involve caring and responding to your child’s struggle. But the message underneath each one is very different and kids pick up on that message quickly (there is a microphone on our heart, so they pick up on our thoughts and feelings even if we don’t say a word).
Respond with Compassion
Compassion sends a message that, “I see that this is hard for you, and I believe you can handle it.”
Pity sends a message that, “This is too hard for you, and you can’t handle it.”
That shift changes everything.
When we respond with compassion, acknowledge our child’s feelings without getting pulled into those feelings. We’re grounded. We communicate safety not by removing the challenge, but by showing confidence in our child’s ability to face that challenge. For example, if a child is anxious about going to camp, compassion might sound like: “I know this feels uncomfortable. New or fast-paced environments can feel like a lot. I’m right here, and I know you can do this.” You’re not dismissing the anxiety, but you’re also not reinforcing the idea that it’s too much to handle or is dangerous.
Cancel the Pity
Pity, on the other hand, often sounds softer but actually feeds the anxiety. It might sound like: “Aww, this is so hard, you’ll tell me after camp if you were okay.” While it feels kind in the moment, the underlying message is that your child isn’t capable of handling discomfort. Over time, this builds dependence on avoidance rather than resilience. (Of course, we are only talking about situations that you know are safe for your child.)
Anxious children are constantly scanning us for cues about whether they are safe and can cope. If a parent responds with even a tinge of worry, urgency, or over-accommodation, the child’s brain interprets that as confirmation: “This really is scary. Even my parent thinks so.” But when a parent stays calm and compassionate, the message becomes: “This feels hard, but it’s not dangerous. I can get through it.”
Stay Emotionally Attuned
This doesn’t mean being cold or dismissive. Compassion is not about saying, “You’re fine, just go.” That kind of response can feel invalidating and disconnecting. True compassion means you’re emotionally attuned, you name your child’s struggle, and you stay present with them through it. The difference is that you don’t lower expectations because of the anxiety.
Compassion walks alongside your child, while pity carries them. And while being carried might feel good in the short term, it prevents them from building the muscles they need to walk on their own.
Handling Discomfort
Another key difference is how each approach handles discomfort. Compassion makes room for it. It says, “It’s okay to feel anxious, and you can still move forward.” Pity tries to eliminate discomfort altogether. But anxiety doesn’t shrink when we avoid it. It actually grows. Every time a child escapes a situation because of anxiety, their brain learns that avoidance is the solution. Compassion gently interrupts that cycle by supporting the child in facing the discomfort in manageable ways.
Your tone is also very important. You can say all the “right” things, but if your energy is anxious or uncertain, your child will feel that. Compassionate parenting requires you to regulate yourself first. When you stay calm, you lend your child your calm. When you believe they can handle it, they start to believe it, too. After all, it’s Hashem, our loving Father, who uniquely designs each hardship for our very best.
It’s also okay if your child still struggles, even when you respond with compassion. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety, but rather to change your child’s relationship with it. You’re helping them learn, over time, “I can feel uncomfortable and still be okay.” In the end, compassion empowers your child, while pity unintentionally keeps them stuck. One builds confidence; the other reinforces fear. And while it’s not always easy to remember that line, (especially when your child is upset), it’s one of the greatest ways to help them!