In a recent episode of SIMHA’s monthly series, psychotherapist Lilian Rishty of NYC Therapy Group shed light on the unique pressures facing women in our community. While women are often celebrated for their incredible strength, the conversation revealed a heavy truth: this very resilience can sometimes mask deep emotional and mental burnout.
The Guilt of Self-Care
One of the biggest challenges women face is the deep guilt that comes with putting their own needs first. From a young age, women are often conditioned to be natural caretakers and peacemakers. Because of this, many unconsciously equate their self-worth with self-sacrifice, feeling like a “good” mother, wife, daughter, or friend means always giving until the tank is empty.
When women try to set boundaries or take time for themselves, they often feel selfish. But the reality is exactly the opposite: taking care of yourself is a prerequisite for taking care of anyone else. You truly cannot pour from an empty cup.
The Trap of the “Superwoman” Ideal
Our community and society often hold up an impossible standard: the woman who does it all perfectly, all at once. She is expected to be a nurturing caretaker, ambitious, put-together, and perfectly agreeable. This “superwoman” ideal sets women up for a constant cycle of perfectionism and a nagging feeling of failure.
When we push past our natural human limits to meet these standards, it leaves us facing heavy emotional hurdles:
Anxiety and Shame: When needing a break or having normal, human limits feels like a sign of weakness.
Imposter Syndrome: Doubting or minimizing our own accomplishments despite clear success.
The Need for Redefined Worth: Measuring our value purely by our constant output and productivity, rather than by who we are.
Understanding the “Mental Load”
Burnout in women isn’t just about being physically tired. It is frequently driven by the “mental load,” which is the invisible, exhausting mental labor required to manage a household and family. It’s the constant internal checklist: remembering doctor’s appointments, tracking groceries, managing the emotional temperature of the home, and planning three steps ahead.
This state of being constantly “on call” keeps the nervous system on high alert. Even when a woman is physically resting, her brain is often still scanning for what needs to be done next, making it incredibly hard to actually power down.
Why Women Face Higher Risks
Statistically, women are twice as likely as men to struggle with anxiety or depression. This isn’t a personal failing; it’s a layered reality involving biology, social roles, and psychology.
Hormonal shifts during pregnancy, postpartum, and menopause create real vulnerabilities to mood changes. Conditions like PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and PMADs (Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders) are real, treatable medical conditions and are not things to be brushed off as just a normal part of life. Psychologically, women are also more likely to ruminate, turning inward with self-criticism and overanalyzing their perceived flaws.
You Don’t Have to Carry It Alone
If you are feeling anxious, burnt out, or disconnected, please don’t ignore it. You don’t have to carry this invisible weight alone. Reach out for support from friends, family, or religious mentors in the community. Additionally, professional counseling and therapy can provide real tools to shift old thought patterns and reclaim your peace. By talking about these struggles openly, we can build a community where women feel truly supported in prioritizing their health, completely guilt-free.
Reclaiming Your Identity and Voice
To combat these heavy pressures, small shifts in our daily habits can make a massive difference:
- Swap “Sorry” for “Thank You”: Instead of saying, “I’m sorry for complaining,” try, “Thank you for listening.” This small change shifts the dynamic from an apology to mutual respect.
- Set Firm Boundaries: When you need to say “no,” skip the urge to over-explain. A simple, kind, “I’m not available” is incredibly empowering.
- Shrink the Frame: When life feels overwhelming, stop looking at the giant picture. Just ask yourself: What do I need to do in the next ten minutes?
- Reconnect with Yourself: It’s easy for your identity to get buried under roles like mother, wife, or worker. Make time for hobbies or moments that feed your personal creativity, curiosity, or joy, purely for fun and not for productivity. Whether it’s a regular exercise routine, weekly Torah class, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee alone, give yourself permission to do things just for you.