At Home with the Yankees
At long last the good-humored boss, Mr. Anderson, was compelled to call Chaim Yankel into his office. “It has not escaped my attention,” Anderson pointed out, “that every time there’s a Yankees home game you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”
“You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Chaim Yankel. “I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s faking it, do you?”
Jakie H.
Best in Class
Finally, the first day of school arrived. Eddie was entering 8th grade. He turned to his friend Solomon, to reflect on the year that was to come.
“So, what do you think Eddie?” his friend Solomon asked. “Lots of pressure on you. After all your dad was valedictorian, your mom was valedictorian, and even your sister was valedictorian.
Eddie paused, leaned back in his chair and said, “Looks like it’s the end of an era!”
Erwin D.
A Family Secret
Bubbie Bornstein was famous for her apple pies. One day Shani, her new granddaughter-in-law was over for Shabbat lunch and she pulled Bubbie Bornstein aside and said, “How do you make such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?”
“Well, it’s a family secret,” Bubbie Bornstein said. “But if you promise not to tell, I’ll let you in on it.”
“Okay,” Shani said. “Tell me!”
“Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.”
“Then, I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it’s not too full.”
“Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.”
“Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust, and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!”
Ruthie G.
Camel Talk
A baby camel was asking his mother a bunch of questions.
“Ma, why do we have huge, three toed feet?” asked the baby camel.
“They help us trek across the desert,” answered the mother camel. “The large toes stay on top of the soft sand.”
“Why do we have such long eyelashes?
“To keep the sand out our eyes on our long treks in the desert.”
“Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?”
“They help us store great quantities of water, so we can make long treks through the desert.”
Summing things up the baby camel said, “So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking in the sand, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water?”
“That’s right, dear,” said the proud mother.
The baby camel thinks for a moment and says, “So why are we living here in the Bronx Zoo?”
Maurice F.
Family Album
Little Yaakov Epstein opened the big, old Epstein family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his bubbie’s bubbie. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages.
“Bubbie, look what I found!” Yaakov called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his grandmother replied.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, Yaakov answered, “I think it’s Adam’s suit!!”
Nancy B.
House for Sale
The Rosenbaums were selling their house and Mrs. Rosenbaum made it crystal clear to all of her kids that the house had to be spic and span on days when real estate agents would be showing the house to prospective buyers.
Mrs. Rosenberg’s 15-year-old son Shmueli was of particular concern to her. “Shmueli, if your room isn’t clean and your bed isn’t made on showing days, so help me, I promise you I will never cook you another dinner for the rest of your life!”
Sure enough, on showing days, Shmueli’s bed was made perfectly. Somewhat surprised, Mrs. Rosenberg went into his room one night and discovered his secret.
Shmueli was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
Janet K.
Fatal Stats
A lady was riding an Egged bus in Jerusalem was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really!?” he said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”
David Z.
A Full Hound
A group of friends were enjoying their monthly poker night when Barry arrived. He was astonished to find his friend Allan sitting at a table with a few men and, of all things, a dog.
“This must be a very smart dog,” Barry said to Allan in disbelief.
“Not really,” Allan replied. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”
Leon A.
Asparagus for Sale
Moishe from Moishe’s Kosher Grocery always had trouble selling his asparagus. So, he put up a sign that said, “Asparagus: 25 cents each bundle / three for a dollar.”
At the end of the day, one of his customers, Mrs. Rosenbaum, came in exclaiming: “Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four asparagus bundles for a dollar!”
Moishe capitulated and packaged four asparagus bundles. Moishe’s new clerk turned to him and asked him, “Are you going to fix the mistake on your sign?”
“What mistake?” Moishe asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one asparagus bundle!”
Carol S.
Bio Fuel
Rebecca, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to visiting and helping the sick members of her congregation, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and to buy some gas.
The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since Rebecca was on the way to see another patient, and behind schedule, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she always had handy for needy patients.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car, which was decorated with many Hebrew decals and bumper stickers.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m converting to Judaism!”
Evelyn P.