QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I have been married for many years and things have never been good. I don’t think there’s much to do since my husband will not join me for counseling. We fight all the time and I know without help nothing will change. Do you have any advice for me?
R’ ALI’S RESPONSE:
You mention that nothing will change without both of you present in front of a counselor. This is one of the greatest misconceptions concerning marriage and all interpersonal relationships. I have seen countless people get help in their marriage without their spouse accompanying them to a counselor. Of course, it’s ideal to have both spouses going for help and working together to better the marriage, but it does not mean that you cannot get help if your spouse is not interested in going.
The reasons for this are simple. Both husband and wife have an obligation to do what’s right and beneficial for the success of the relationship. This obligation has nothing to do with your spouse’s obligation. If they are failing to do what they need to do, that doesn’t absolve you from doing your job. For example: a man must work to provide for his family. Whether his wife is fulfilling her duties as a wife, a husband still must provide.
Although, this concept has its upside (that you can work on the relationship by yourself if need be), the downside is that people have a hard time working on the relationship when they don’t see their spouse working on it, too. However, I have never met someone who says they decided not to work on the relationship. Everyone is trying hard to make the relationship work. Whether or not they’re doing the proper work is another issue.
It’s also important to watch out for some of the pitfalls of getting advice without your spouse. One is that sessions without your spouse can turn into a weekly venting session without actually making progress. Remember – the goal is to try to understand yourself and your spouse and to come up with new ways to navigate the relationship.
Also, you have a better chance of getting your spouse to join you if you approach the topic in a gentler way. If you have been telling your spouse, “We need help,” he might take it as if he is the problem. Being vulnerable and proposing the idea as though you want help and would appreciate it if your spouse join, will yield better results.
This way of communicating works wonders. Many times, people are resistant to pressure and not so much the actual idea or request. In short, get help with or without your husband.
You and others in your situation should understand a few facts that many struggling couples should know. First, there is a strong possibility that you are not understanding your spouse. Second, know that fights are mostly misunderstandings that are emotionally charged. Third, asking a third party about your situation in an honest and sincere way could be helpful in seeing another perspective. Instead of telling your spouse how he’s failing at his job, you should ask a third party if you’re correct in your assessment of the situation. Much friction would be avoided if people would approach a rabbi or a counselor with this approach.
In conclusion, speak to a third party. In addition, try your best to understand your husband, see things from his point of view, and learn tips and tools on how to have healthy interactions with him.