Tammy Sassoon
When a child is diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder or similar types of oppositional behaviors, parents often find themselves caught in an exhausting cycle of arguing, negotiating, threatening, and disciplining. Every request becomes a battle. Every limit is challenged. It can leave even the most patient parent wondering, “What am I doing wrong?” and “Can my child really control this?”
A camp director recently called me about a child who was bullying other boys. The director said that he thinks the boy really cannot control his behavior, since he has been like this since Nursery, and at home his parents are very rigid. The bullying makes him feel in control.
I hear these kinds of statements from parents and educators all the time. The child who can’t help calling out in class because he has ADHD, the girl who just can’t be kind to other girls because her parents are going through a very difficult divorce, the child who cannot answer the teacher’s questions because of anxiety, the child who just cannot seem to come to the lunchroom, and lags behind in the classroom because the lunchroom is too noisy, etc.
While all of these emotional needs most certainly need to be addressed with both compassion and skill, this is a new unfortunate epidemic of our generation that we excuse responsibility and respect because of emotional hardships.
Fostering Responsible, Respectful Behavior
Responsible people never need to hurt others, no matter what they are going through. Respectful people never need to defy the rules, no matter what they are struggling with. (Please don’t take this as a green light to judge the child – judgement always creates separation in a relationship.)
If your child struggles with needing to feel control, you can learn how to give him that feeling in a healthy way.
If your child struggles to be quiet while the teacher is teaching, you can discuss a plan with the school team or your own mentor.
If a child is very pained by a difficult life experience, make sure you are getting rock solid direction so you know how to be truly compassionate and understanding without the child feeling like this struggle is too much for them.
If your child has anxiety, learn techniques on how to help your child know that they are always okay. If your child has sensory struggles, get your child to the best occupational therapist in town.
Holding Kids Accountable
But ALSO hold your child accountable for being responsible and respectful. Our parents and ancestors did it for thousands of years, and we can, too. Quality parenting involves being compassionate. “Noseh b’eol chavero – to share another’s hardship” is a Torah concept that has been around for thousands of years before modern day psychologists started talking about empathy and validation in the past few decades. Can you imagine what our great-grandparents would be thinking if they knew that adults in our generation say things like, “The child can’t help lying, touching other people’s things, being mean to people, ignoring the teacher, not respecting teachers because of this or that reason”? They would have a thing or two to share with us about our ignorance on ancient wisdom.
Here’s where some parents unintentionally make a mistake. When they recognize the underlying struggles, they become afraid to enforce limits. They worry that being lovingly firm will damage their child or make things worse. They begin walking on eggshells, giving repeated warnings, negotiating endlessly, or avoiding conflict altogether.
Ironically, these responses increase oppositional behavior rather than reducing it, and lower the child’s self-esteem because now the child knows that the parents feel they are incapable of performing in the face of hardship. And setting limits does not mean talking about the rule, it means actually enforcing it.
Instead, effective parents combine empathy with confidence. They acknowledge feelings without giving in to inappropriate behavior. Most importantly, they separate the child from the behavior. The message becomes, “I love you completely, and I won’t allow this behavior.”
Imagine trying to help a child learn to ride a bicycle. Emotional support alone is not enough. The child also needs clear instructions, and someone to keep them from riding into traffic. On the other hand, rules without encouragement would leave the child feeling discouraged and afraid to try. Success would come from combining rule enforcement with support. The same principle applies to raising a child with difficult behaviors.
When parents commit to understanding the child beneath the defiance while confidently maintaining healthy boundaries, they give their child the greatest gift of all: the opportunity to grow into a capable, resilient, and responsible adult.