Sound Advice
Joe is disturbed by his recurring dreams, so he decides to visit one of the country’s top sleep specialists.
At the appointment, Joe says, “Doc, I keep having these strange recurring dreams. One night I’m a teepee. The next I’m a wigwam. Then I’m a teepee again. Then a wigwam. It just keeps alternating, and it’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “It’s very simple, Joe. You’re two tents!”
Martin J.
Yitzchak’s Hearing Emporium
Morris realizes that he needs a hearing aid so he goes to Yitzchak’s Hearing Emporium to see what his options are.
“How much do they cost?” Morris asks Yitzchak.
“That depends,” Yitzchak says. “They run from $20.00 to $2,000.”
“Let’s see the $20.00 model,” says Morris.
Yitzchak puts the device around Morris’ neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructs.
“How does it work?” asks Morris.
“For $20.00 it doesn’t work,” Yitzchak replies. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”
Lisa D.
You Must Acquit
Howard Rose was a leading District Attorney in New York known for his work ethic and his wit. He had dedicated over a year to a murder trial that was coming to its conclusion. As the jury gave the verdict, he stared at them in disbelief.
Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”
The foreman answered, “Insanity.”
Rose responded, “All twelve of you?”
Carolyn H.
A Blessed Decision
At a shul’s annual general meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Jewish faith. “I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of Gd in my life. I remember that turning point. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to shul that night. The speaker was a famous rabbi who was fundraising for his yeshiva. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to Gd’s work or nothing at all. So, at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to Gd. I believe that Gd blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”
He finished and there was an awed silence at his story as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady leaned over and said to him: “I dare you to do it again.”
Joey F.
Yes, Sir!
Three-year-old Max had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mother told him, she was very insistent. His response was, “Yes, sir!”
Correcting him, Max’s mother said, “You would say, ‘yes, sir,’ to a man. I am a lady, so you would say ‘yes, ma’am,’ to a lady.” To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, “What would you say to Abba?”
“Yes, sir!” came the reply.
“Then what would you say to Mommy?”
“Yes, ma’am!” he proudly answered.
“Good job! Now, what would you say to Bubbie?”
Little Max lit up and said, “Can I have a cookie?”
Sarah K.
Homework Issue Resolved
Mrs. Gold was having some issues with Moishie Rosenberg in her 2nd Grade class. He wasn’t doing his homework, he couldn’t seem to follow instructions properly, and it just seemed like he was all over the place.
Mrs. Gold thought she would try to get Moishie’s parents involved, perhaps the behavioral problems were even stemming from home. So, she decided to send home a note with Moishie and the next day she received the following note in return:
“Dear Mrs. Gold, Moishie is sorry he didn’t do his homework last night. He will never do it again. Yours truly, Chaim Yankel Rosenberg.”
Menahem R.
Taking Requests
Itzik’s Bistro in downtown Tel Aviv is usually full even on Open Mic Wednesdays. One particular Wednesday night, crowded as usual, a band was playing and Shuki and his friend Dudu were sitting near the stage, none too happy. At one point Shuki pipes up and asks the band leader, “Alo, can you play something by request?”
The band leader beamed and said, “Betach – of course. Whatever you want.”
“Then,” snapped Shuki, “sit down and play a game of shesh besh (backgammon) so I can finish my meal in peace.”
Rachel A.
What Would You Do?
Rabbi Feldman was teaching his 6th grade class about the halachic obligation that someone has to rescue a person in distress. Rabbi Feldman asked, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
Thoughtful little Sarah broke the hushed silence and said, “I think I’d throw up!”
Shirley G.
Logic Lesson
Mrs. Eckstein, the 4th grade math and science teacher at Bnai Israel school was giving was giving her students a lesson in logic.
“Here is the situation,” she said.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His cousin hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think his cousin ran to the bank?”
Little Rivky raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”
Ralph S.
World Piece
One evening, Sy Feldman and his friend John McConnell are at a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter takes out two steaks, Sy quickly picks out the bigger steak for himself. John looked surprised and disappointed by Sy’s actions.
Sy: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
John: “The smaller piece, of course.”
Sy: “What are you so upset about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”
Alan Z.
Who Brews?
Manny and Miriam were arguing who gets to make the coffee in their house as both of them were very particular about how they liked their cup of Joe – the fact that they got a fancy new coffee machine also may have complicated matters. Manny wouldn’t relent and neither would Miriam, so they decided that the only way to resolve their dispute was to go and visit their rabbi.
In their meeting with Rabbi Epstein, Manny made a passionate plea, “Rabbi, the obligation of the man to brew the coffee is commanded by the Torah itself!”
“Really?” said Rabbi Epstein, surprised. “Where exactly does it say that?”
“It’s in our very name, Rabbi,” said Manny. “HE-BREWS!”
Jason L.