Ellen Geller Kamaras
Are you ready to get married? That’s the million-dollar question.
Let’s face it. It is unrealistic to expect 100 percent readiness. But let’s look at some pointers that can help you out.
Marriage requires a commitment to dance in the moment and to have an open and steadfast mindset, to be there for your spouse, and to respect and value each other’s differences. Relationship experts recommend viewing your different skills and strengths as a balance that can help you to better face challenges together.
As life happens, husband and wife need to be able to adapt to their circumstances and be flexible. We are all works in progress, as are our marriages. If we don’t grow, we stagnate or get stuck. Successful marriages often find both individuals growing. Each person works on their own growth and development to become a well-rounded, complete person. Only then can they support each other in being the best version of themselves.
Marriage Readiness
Relationship experts and psychologists agree that marriage readiness depends on one’s emotional maturity, clear communication skills, expectations about finance and family, and shared core values and life goals. Marriage readiness is not just tied to age or how long you have dated.
Let’s unpack marriage readiness and what young (and older!) people need to know, think about, and discuss before marrying. Having these conversations will help to build a healthy and successful marital relationship.
Stay Focused
Once you are engaged, focus on your marriage rather than just the wedding celebration. Planning the wedding together is usually a couple’s first opportunity to face challenges together as a team. Couples can begin creating a blueprint for how they will deal with conflict as a married couple and choose their battles.
Dealing with Conflict
Conflict in a marriage, as well as in other relationships, is normal. It’s not only normal – it’s inevitable. The same rule applies to all relationships. Learning to deal with daily life conflict can help us decrease stress, create stronger and more successful relationships, and grow as a person. Every couple argues. The key to a healthy marriage is figuring out how to resolve disagreements in a calm and fair manner.
While we are on the topic of conflict, where do in-laws fit in? This subject touches on communication and expectations about family. What will you call your in-laws? Will you use Mom and Dad or their first names? Do you want to live close by or far? Do you expect them to call you and make plans to visit or are you ok with them just dropping in?
Having this conversation before you get married, making these types of decisions in advance, and getting along with in-laws, will reduce stress in your marriage. A smart couple safeguards their marriage and their relationship by setting clear boundaries with family. Remember that your in-laws raised the person you love and chose as a life partner.
Kind in-laws can be helpful and loving and cam offer much support. Remember to recognize them and show them hakarat hatov.
Keeping Your Own Identity
It is important to keep hold of one’s own identity, personal goals, hobbies, sense of self-worth, and self-respect. A healthy marriage is made up of two complete individuals versus two halves trying to complete each other. You fell in love with your spouse’s spark and unique traits and passions. Keeping that spark alive leads to a healthy and happy marriage.
Communication Is Key
Communicate about everything. Talk honestly and openly about finances, debt, ambitions, and family expectations. Be transparent about how much you owe in student loans. Tell your fiancée if you have big dreams, such as to study for a PhD or to have a large family. Do you want to live close to your parents? These are cards to put on the table and share with a prospective life partner.
Emotional Maturity
Are you emotionally mature? Emotional maturity matters more than age. An illustration of emotional maturity is when a couple handles a heated argument by pausing to calm down, taking responsibility for their own reactions, and addressing the issue without blame or insults. Signs of emotional maturity include self-awareness, empathy, and willingness to take responsibility, such as being accountable for one’s actions. A good example is where a wife is aware of her needs and addresses them by telling her husband that she needs some alone time and
asks her husband to take over for an hour and be with the children. He, in turn, exhibits empathy when he agrees to help.
Active empathy also entails listening to your spouse’s perspective and trying to understand their feelings, even when you disagree. The ability to hold two truths is another indicator of emotional maturity. This means accepting that you can be hurt by a spouse’s action while also recognizing he or she did not intend to inflict pain.
Healthy relationships are reciprocal and embrace give and take. Some people have a hard time balancing reciprocity. It is important not to be meticulous in keeping tabs on whose turn it is to give in or to do a certain task.
Couples should both be dedicated to seeing and valuing each other’s inner world. When two people can hold space for each other’s truth – even when they seem contradictory – something powerful happens. Instead of arguing over who is “right,” the focus shifts toward understanding.
Conversations that Matter
Before getting married, couples should have honest conversations about the practical and personal issues that will shape their life together. Start by discussing your core values, hopes, and career goals. Where do you see yourselves in five or ten years? What are your individual ambitions, and how will you support each other in achieving them?
Finances should definitely be discussed openly before marriage. Will you combine your bank accounts or maintain separate accounts? Will you set a spending limit that requires checking in with each other before making a purchase? How much debt, if any, including student loans, does each one have, and how will you work together to pay it off? Where can you realistically afford to live? Creating a budget and tracking your cash flow is a good starting point for managing money as a couple. Automating bills and building an emergency fund with three to six months of living expenses can also provide greater financial security.
And what about children? What actually happens when your children arrive may be different from your planned-ahead vision. However, it is a good starting point to talk about how you envision raising your children and sharing the responsibilities that come with parenthood. What will your approach to discipline be? How will you divide the day-to-day work of caring for your children? What role will grandparents and other family members play? These conversations can help couples develop shared expectations before children arrive.
And don’t overlook the ordinary routines of daily life. Who will handle household chores, grocery shopping, cooking, and errands? How will you divide responsibilities such as carpooling and getting children to activities? Marriage is built not only on the big decisions but also on the countless small tasks and choices that make up everyday life. Discussing these expectations ahead of time can help prevent misunderstandings and create a stronger sense of partnership.Here is a parting quote from Dave Meurer, an award-winning humorist, author, and public affairs professional.
“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”
Art of Compromise
Try these simple tools to resolve and diffuse conflict: Pause and breathe before you respond, listen to what your spouse is saying and feeling, concentrate on the actual issue, don’t hurl blame or insults or mention past mistakes. Instead, look for a solution, a middle ground, that you can both live with.
Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career and dating coaching.
Ellen can be contacted at [email protected] (www.lifecoachellen.com).