QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I have a few things that have been bothering me in my marriage, and I’m hoping someone can help. I’m not sure you can, but it’s worth a try. My husband is an over-spender and it really bothers me. He doesn’t ask me or tell me what and when he’s buying things. I open my garage and an expensive bike is there. There are many other things, but I think if I can get him to slow down things would improve. Thank you.
R’ ALI’S RESPONSE:
First, you mention that you’re not sure if I can help. Sometimes people call me with a more extreme statement, such as, “I know you can’t help me, no one can.” This type of attitude can prevent people from growing in a marriage, if they start out thinking they cannot be helped.
Couples need to understand that counselors who specialize in helping marriages are trained in dealing with relationships. If a couple can’t figure things out on their own it does not mean that there’s nothing that can help. Counselors and therapists can offer many approaches to help couples cope with different situations. Many couples come to my office saying that there’s no hope. Lo and behold, weeks later they tell me that they’re shocked that things have improved.
I want people to view seeking marriage counseling in the same way they view seeking medical help from a cardiologist. Someone with chest pains dials 911 with no hesitation. They wouldn’t dare say, “What’s the doctor going to do already?” This is an extreme example, but I want people to understand the concept that it is legitimate to reach out for advice in any area, to knowledgeable professionals. Whether the challenge is with marriage, parenting, or life in general, seeking help is a step in the right direction. We are blessed with so many wonderful rabbis and professionals. Consult them!
You mention that your husband is an over-spender. We would need to have one-on-one conversation about this because there are so many possibilities of what is going on. Is his overspending putting you in debt? If so, that is a real issue and must be dealt with. Of course, this should not be done in an aggressive manner. Actually, nothing should ever be dealt with aggressively, which would include criticizing, yelling, screaming, or use of force, and surely not giving the silent treatment.
Some people are big spenders and their spending does not put them into debt. It is common that one spouse does not like to spend while the other does. This is normal. We like to believe that the way we behave is normal and anything else is abnormal. This is a huge mistake. Even though the way you act and think may be different from your spouse, you can both be normal!
You say your husband does not ask you or tell you in advance what he’s purchasing. This should depend on the situation. I don’t believe husband and wife need to ask permission or need to tell their spouse when making purchases. Of course, there are exceptions that are out of the norm. If someone were to purchase a $500,000 yacht and not mention it to their spouse this would not be advised. While I don’t believe that it’s wrong not to mention it, it would be correct and polite to mention this tremendous purchase to your spouse.
My point is that if people are spending in a healthy way, in a way that is generally accepted, and their spending is not making a strain on the family’s financial status, leave it alone. It is a good idea, however, for troublesome issues to be spoken over with a third party.