The Lighter Side
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dog was chasing people on bikes. I told him that it couldn’t have been my dog – because my dog doesn’t even own a bicycle.
Lenore M.
Inner Harmony
Heshy went to the post office buy some stamps for his letters. He asked the postal clerk, “Do I have to stick these on myself?” The clerk replied, “Well, it’ll work better if you stick them on the envelopes.”
Victor L.
A Ticket to Ride
A motorist was speeding down the highway when a cop caught up with him and ticketed him for speeding. “What am I supposed to do with this?” the motorist grumbled as the policeman handed him the speeding ticket.
“Keep it,” the cop said. “When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Rena B.
Catching Up on Computers
Rachel decided to improve her computer skills to keep up with her kids who were in the hi-tech industry in Israel. She threw herself into the task with enthusiasm, borrowing two or three instructional books from the Tel Aviv library each week.
After about a month, the librarian commented: “Wow! You must be getting really knowledgeable about this stuff.”
“Thanks. What makes you say that?” asked Rachel.
“Well,” said the librarian, “only one of the books you’re taking out this week has “For Dummies” in the title.”
Carol Z.
The Right to an Attorney
Shmulie, Chelm’s local thief, was caught red-handed by a police officer in the very act of burglarizing a store. He was quickly brought to trial.
“How do you plead?” asked the judge.
“Your Honor,” answered Shmulie, “before I plead guilty or not guilty, I ask that the court kindly appoint a lawyer to defend me.”
“You were caught in the actual commission of a crime. What could any lawyer possibly say in your defense?” said the judge.
“That’s exactly my point, Your Honor,” said Shmulie. “I’m curious also to hear what he could possibly say!”
Ikey F.
Lost and Found
A young man lost his favorite siddur while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him carrying the siddur in its mouth. The man couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the dog’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the dog. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
Marvin B.
A Sure Cure
After suffering from a miserable cold for a week, Jeff visited his doctor and begged for relief. The doctor prescribed a pill, but it didn’t work. A week later, Jeff returned to the doctor, who gave him a shot. With no improvement in his condition and sicker than ever, Jeff visited the doctor a third time and said, “I’ve tried two medications you prescribed so far and neither of them helped. So, before you recommend another treatment, you had better be sure it’s the right one.”
“Okay then, this is what I want you to do,” the doctor said. “Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But I’ll get pneumonia!” protested Jeff.
“Exactly,” the doctor answered. “That I know how to treat!”
Avraham C.
Here Kitty, Kitty
Little Rivky Goldstein had been a naughty girl in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by Mrs. Applebaum to remain in her seat after school and remain there until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words.
Rivky completed her task in a surprisingly short space of time and left the room. Mrs. Applebaum picked up the Rivky’s assignment and read it:
“I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, ‘Come, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.’”
Jeannie L.
Restaurant Request
Customer: “Waiter, can you please bring me what the man at the next table is having?”
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure he wants to eat it himself.”
Moshe K.
Postal Advice
Heshy went to the post office buy some stamps for his letters. He asked the postal clerk, “Do I have to stick these on myself?” The clerk replied, “Well, it’ll work better if you stick them on the envelopes.”
Victor L.
Techno-Diner
Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with Sarah’s view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waiter walked away, he slipped on a wet spot on the floor. “How about that?” she observed dryly. “Our server is down.”
Karen S.
Dining Out
Mr. Goldstein walked into a diner in Brooklyn and ordered lunch. In a few minutes, the waiter brought his order. The turkey was like shoe-leather, and the peas and potatoes were raw and cold.
He pushed the plate aside and called the waiter. “This is horrible. I can’t eat this! Call the manager!”
The waiter smiled meekly and replied, “It wouldn’t do any good, he wouldn’t eat it either!”
Sol D.
On One Leg
On the 5th floor at Maimonides Hospital all the patients were not only in bed, but they also had one of their legs suspended in a sling above them. One day, Moishe, the consultant, together with some of his staff, was making his rounds on the 5th floor. Moishe stopped at the first bed and pulled and twisted the patient’s suspended leg. The patient screamed in agony. This was repeated along the row of beds, while each patient screamed and yelled during the examination.
Moishe finally reached the last bed. This was occupied by Emanuel. But when Emanuel’s suspended leg was pulled and twisted as was done to all the others, Emanuel remained silent and smiling throughout the procedure.
When Moishe and his entourage left the ward, all the patients congratulated Emanuel on his bravery and fortitude.
But Emanuel responded by telling them, “Brave, shmave – I saw what the consultant was doing to you, so I switched my legs and put my good leg in the sling.”
David M.