Back to School
September came and thankfully the kids at King David Elementary school were back in class. A few days in, the principal, Rabbi Epstein, was walking through the lunch room and noticed a few students hard at work on their calculators. Surprised that they had received such a difficult math problem so early in the school year, Rabbi Epstein approached them and asked what their assignment was.
One of the students, a girl named Shira looked up at Rabbi Epstein and replied, “We’re figuring out how many days until winter break.”
Victor G.
Sharp Shooter
Little Dovid Greenberg’s mother took him to the doctor for a checkup. All the way there, Mrs. Greenberg had to reassure little Dovid that he would not be getting a shot. Dovid went through his eye exam and his hearing test. Then the nurse came into the exam room and started to ask some routine questions.
“Is your son allergic to anything Mrs. Greenberg?” asked the nurse.
Immediately Dovid piped up and said, “YES, I’m allergic to shots!”
Henry F.
Shmulik the Family Cat
Shmulik, the Rothstein family cat, had gotten injured and needed to stay at the vet clinic for several days. The three Rothstein children were so concerned that several times a day, Michael and Miriam Rothstein had to reassure them that Shmulik was safe and being cared for by the “animal doctor.”
Finally, the Rothsteins got the call that Shmulik was ready to come home. Driving to the vet’s, it became clear that little four-year-old Suzie, had been doing a lot of thinking about Shmulik’s absence when she asked, “Mom, what kind of animal is the doctor?”
Karen M.
Old Age Insecurity
Morty Epstein was talking to his young grandson Daniel about people in the Torah. During the conversation Morty told his grandson that Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, which is older than anyone else has ever lived.
Little Daniel thought about this fact for a second and then asked, “Grandpa, did you know him?”
Simon K.
Shul Tryouts
There was a shul that was looking for a baal tokea, someone to blow the shofar. A man came to try out but did a terrible job. He asked for a second chance – but was told, “Sorry, YOU BLEW IT!”
Alex M.
Holiday Humor
A man comes to the rabbi and asks for instructions on how to build a kosher sukkah. The rabbi directs him to read a page of the Gemara tractate of Sukkot and follow the instructions. The man follows all the instructions and just as he puts up last piece of schach on top of the sukkah, the whole thing collapses. Thinking he made a mistake; he backtracks and rebuilds the sukkah with the same result. Very frustrated, he goes back to the rabbi and explains what happened. The rabbi opens to the page of the Gemara, studies it for a few minutes and exclaims, “Funny, Rashi asks the same question!”
Arthur G.
Tire Sale
Sammy was having a garage sale and invited some of his neighbors to sell their wares at his place as well. One of Sammy’s neighbors, Brent Mathews, took four tires over and was asking $30 apiece. Brent needed to leave for a few minutes, so he asked Sammy to watch the tires for him.
“Sure,” Sammy said, “but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?”
“Try your best for more, but I guess I’d be willing to accept $15,” Brent said, and left.
When Brent returned, his tires were gone. “How much did you get for them?” Brent asked excitedly.
“Fifteen dollars each,” replied Sammy.
“Who bought them?” asked Brent.
“I did!” said Sammy.
David A.
Timberrr!
An injured patient came into Tel Aviv’s Hadassah hospital and the nurses immediately had him X-rayed, as it was clear that he had some pretty severe fractures. The nurse bought the X-rays to Dr. Hadari, and sure enough, the patient had multiple fractures.
“What happened to this patient?” Dr. Hadari asked in astonishment.
“He fell out of a tree,” the nurse reported.
“What was he doing up a tree?” asked the doctor.
“Well, his paperwork states that he works for Shmulik’s Expert Tree Service.”
Gazing intently at the X-rays, Dr. Hadari said, “I guess the first thing we should do is cross out the word ‘Expert.’”
Sharon B.
Career Change
Abie had been a salesman in the garment district all his life, but was getting tired of the constant battles with customers. So, he decided to give up his job and become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked Abie how he liked his new career.
“Well,” Abie replied, “the pay is terrible, the hours are too long, and I’ve gained ten pounds because of all of these donuts, but the one thing I love is that the customer is always wrong.”
Lisa P.
Fill’er Up
A rabbi was waiting in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Rabbi,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The rabbi chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
Maurice Z.
Looks Can be Deceiving
A Jewish woman was sitting on a train opposite a young man.
“Excuse me, are you Jewish?” she asks.
“No,” he replies and continues to read his newspaper.
“Are you SURE you aren’t Jewish?” she asks.
“Yes, I’m sure!” he replies.
A few moments later she asks again, “Are you absolutely positive you aren’t Jewish?”
Fed up, and in desperation, the man says, “Okay, I’m Jewish,” just to keep woman quiet.
Surprised by his response, she says, “Funny, you don’t LOOK Jewish!”
Carol D.
Dental Dilemma
Joey is in Dr. Goldstein’s dentist’s chair. “Now open your mouth wide, please,” says Dr. Goldstein.
Joey does what he’s told. Dr. Goldstein looks inside Joey’s mouth and says, “Oy gevult, that’s the biggest cavity I’ve seen in years! Oy gevult, that’s the biggest cavity I’ve seen in years!”
“I heard the bad news the first time,” says Joey, gloomily, “there was no need to repeat yourself.”
“I didn’t repeat myself,” says Dr. Goldstein with a smile. “That was an echo.”
Frieda T.
No More Notes
Little Moishie was having a tough time adjusting to first grade. At least twice a week, his parents would receive a note from his teacher outlining his latest infractions.
Finally, his parents sat him down and said, “Moishie, we’ve had enough! We don’t want any more notes from your teacher!”
Moishe replied, “Alright. Do you guys want to tell her or should I?”
Eddie H.