Good Report
Sammy was having trouble in school. That’s why his father was so pleased when Sammy came home and
reported that he got a 100 on his report card.
“That’s fantastic Sammy!” his father exclaimed. “What course did you get it in?”
“Well,” said Sammy, “I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!”
Stephen B.
Chelm’s First Medical Student
Chaim Yankel from Chelm passed his exams and is awarded a place in medical school. And because he’s
the first student from his town to do so well, all his family, friends, and neighbors were very proud of him.
Six months into his training, he’s with some other medical students doing the rounds at the Chelm
Hospital with a qualified doctor. Stopping next to the records of one of the patients, the doctor takes out the patient’s X-rays and says to the group, “As you can deduce from these X-rays, this patient limps badly because both his tibias and fibulas are radically arched. So let me ask you, Chaim Yankel, what would you do in a case like this?”
After thinking for a short while, Chaim Yankel replies, “I suppose I’d limp too, doctor.”
Harry G.
Piece of Cake
Hymie was a happy fellow, but unfortunately, he was very overweight. Concerned for his well-being, his co-workers forced him to go on a diet.
For three weeks, Hymie resisted temptation, even changing his route to work to avoid his favorite bakery
– Isaac’s Bakery.
But then, one day, to the horror of his workmates, Hymie turned up at the office clutching a massive chocolate cake.
When his colleagues berated him, Hymie was quick to offer an explanation.
“I accidentally drove by Isaac’s Bakery this morning and there were so many tasty treats in the window. I thought it was basherte, that I was supposed to eat something, so I prayed to Hashem, saying, “If you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, show me a sign – let there be a parking space directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!”
Joey K.
Second Opinion
Something was wrong with Miriam Hymelfarb. She just wasn’t herself lately so her husband Moishe
decided she should go to the doctor. After a long appointment Miriam came out.
“Moishe, the doctor has advised me that I’m stressed and that I should take a one-month vacation to some
place tranquil like the Caribbean or the South of France. Where shall we go?”
Moishe thought about it for a second and said, “To another doctor!”
Sarah T.
Strawberry Fields
Bernstein, retired, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel on the outskirts of Miami, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching. It is a southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Bernstein.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Bernstein.
“My farm.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over my strawberry fields.”
“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should really come over here for lunch one day. Mrs. Bernstein serves sour cream with our strawberries!”
Rachel W.
Run for Your Life
Victor decided that it was time to get in shape, so he took up jogging and signed up for the New York City Marathon. Problem was, he wasn’t that strong a runner. As soon as the race started he was almost
immediately in last place.
To make matters worse, the guy who was in front of Victor, second to last, started making fun of him. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”
Victor replied, “You really want to know?”
Then Victor dropped out of the race.
Molly P.
Pay Up
Morris had a very unpleasant appointment scheduled with an IRS auditor who had come to review his
records. At one point the auditor turned to Morris and exclaimed, “We feel that it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
“Wow, thank Gd,” said Morris with a sigh of relief. “I thought you were going to want cash.”
Eddie D.
Two Left Feet
Zadie Stern was coming over to take his grandson Maxie to the park.
“Okay Maxie, we’re going to the park!” said Zadie. “Go get your shoes on!”
Being only four years old, Maxie said, “Okay, but will you tie them for me?”
“Sure,” Zadie replied with a big smile.
Maxie bolted into the next room to put on his shoes, returning with a big smile and the shoes on the wrong feet.
Looking at his shoes, Zadie smiled and said, “Maxie, your shoes are on the wrong feet!”
Maxie looked down, then looked back at Zadie with a very sad face and replied, “These are the only feet I have.”
Cookie M.
Letting Go
A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.
He couldn’t hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.
“HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? HELP!”
He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. “Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?”
“Yes, yes! I can hear you. I’m down here!”
“I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?”
“Yes, but who are you, and where are you?”
“I am the Lord, Jack. I’m everywhere.”
“The Lord? You mean, Gd?”
“That’s Me.”
“Gd, please help me! I promise if, you’ll get me down from here, I’ll stop sinning. I’ll be a really good person. I’ll serve You for the rest of my life.”
“Easy on the promises, Jack. Let’s get you off from there; then we can talk.”
“Now, here’s what I want you to do. Listen carefully.”
“I’ll do anything. Just tell me what to do.”
“Okay. Let go of the branch.”
“What?”
“I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go.”
There was a long silence.
Finally Jack yelled, “HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?”
Sharon Z.