Dear Jido,
I have an old friend who seems to consider herself very well-mannered. She writes her thank-you notes on cards and mails them, while I send my thank-you messages via email.
When I tell her she doesn’t need to send a handwritten thank-you, she says, “My mother taught me to always do it that way.” Of course, that makes me feel “less than” for my emailed thanks.
When she comes to visit me, she always brings a hostess gift. It’s very thoughtful, although it’s usually something I can’t use. I appreciate the gesture, though.
She knows that my guest bedroom and bathroom are stocked for the use and comfort of my guests. Yet, when she takes a shower, she only uses the hand towel to dry herself. She uses a bath towel at home.
I assume she feels it is somehow more polite to not soil a bath towel, but to make do with a hand towel. I don’t say anything about it, but it feels like an insult to me. I am trying to provide everything to make a guest feel at home. How should I handle this?
Signed,
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
Not to get too Biblical on you, but the Talmud actually speaks about someone who is very “particular” about their ways and habits.
If it was only one idiosyncrasy that she had about not dirtying a bath towel, you might take it personally. But since she seems to have a series of habits that appear to you to be over the top, you can assume that she is what the rabbis in the Talmud call “delicate.” There, it says that they even make “minor” accommodations for that type of person and allow a deviation from certain laws.
There doesn’t seem to be any intent on her part to slight or embarrass you. I would assume that she is a very special person holding on to long-held habits and is to be admired. Invite her often and enjoy her company.
All the best,
Jido