Frozen Windows
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with a hammer.”
The wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”
Gladys T.
The Duck at the Pharmacy
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some lip balm.
The pharmacist asks, “Will that be cash or credit?”
The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill!”
Morris S.
A Big Catch
An Israeli man named Itzik was returning home from a fishing trip at the Sea of Galilee. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn’t long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when Itzik stopped him. “Officer, I know I was speeding,” he started, “but I don’t think it’s fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. “I see you like fishing,” he said.
“Umm, yes I do… so?” Itzik replied, confused.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. “Ever catch ALL the fish?”
Michael F.
Fish Cakes
Little Moe walks into Yossi’s Kosher Fish Mart with a fish under his arm.
“Do you have any fishcakes?” Little Moe asks.
“Yes, of course,” says Yossi, the store owner.
“Great,” replies Little Moe, nodding at the fish under his arm. “It’s his birthday today!”
Max C.
The Speeding Granny
A police officer pulls over an elderly lady for speeding.
He asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
The granny replies, “Of course I do. That’s how I got here so fast!”
The officer chuckles and says, “Why were you speeding?”
She responds, “Because I wanted to get there before I forgot where I was going!”
Mary G.
The Speeding Ticket
A man is speeding down the highway when he sees flashing lights in his rearview mirror.
He pulls over, and a state trooper approaches his window.
The trooper says, “I’ve been waiting for you all day.”
The man replies, “Well, I got here as fast as I could!”
The trooper, trying to suppress a smile, asks for the man’s license and registration.
“Why were you speeding?” the trooper asks.
“Officer, I’m late for work.”
“Oh, and what do you do?”
“I’m a juggler in a circus.”
“A juggler? Well, that’s interesting. How about you show me what you do?”
The man agrees and gets out of the car, opens his trunk, and takes out some juggling balls.
He begins juggling right there on the side of the road.
Just then, another car speeds by, and the driver looks over, sees the juggling act, and says to himself, “I’m never drinking again! Look at the sobriety test they’ve got now!”
Mark G.
Accounting Worries
David just received his accounting designation and he was looking for a job. He was being interviewed by Alan Goldfarb, a partner at the three-man firm Goldfarb, Applebaum, and Goldman. Alan came across as a very nervous man.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” Goldfarb said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the young accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” Goldfarb said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” David said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I will start you at ninety-five thousand dollars.”
“Ninety-five thousand dollars!” David exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” Goldfarb said, “is your first worry.”
Karen Z.
Bus or Bust
Chaim Yankel was visiting Washington, DC, for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol, he asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”
Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, Chaim Yankel was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus, and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”
Chaim Yankel replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”
Mordechai M.
The Forgetful Waiter
A man goes to a fancy restaurant and orders a steak.
After waiting a long time, the waiter finally brings it out.
“I’m sorry for the delay,” the waiter says. “Would you like anything else with your steak?”
The man replies, “How about a few kind words?”
The waiter thinks for a moment, then leans down and whispers, “Don’t eat the steak.”
Lawrence H.
The Laziest Man in the World
A competition is held to find the laziest man in the world.
Three finalists are chosen and brought on stage.
The first man is asked, “Why do you think you’re the laziest?”
He says, “Because I’m too lazy to answer that question.”
The second man is asked the same question. He responds, “I’m too lazy to even think about answering.”
The third man doesn’t say anything, just lies on the floor, holding his hand out.
When asked what he’s doing, he says, “Waiting for someone to give me the prize.”
Jake K.
Baby Sister
Little Moishe was used to being the center of attention, so understandably he was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister Rivka. Moishe’s parents sat him down and said that now that Rivkah was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.
“It’s no use,” Moishe said. “She’s crawling now. She’ll probably just follow us.”
Elana B.
Fire Drill
Joey and his classmates at the Talmud Torah had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.
Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him. He asked little Joey, “What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?”
Joey replied promptly, “I don’t put them on!”
Isaac A.