Tammy Sassoon
As parents, we all want our children to feel deeply loved. So we shower our children with all kinds of things, and then wonder, “When is it giving an expression of my love, and when is it spoiling my child and creating an entitled monster?” Entitled people are unhappy, and they go through life thinking that people owe them things, which makes their relationships very difficult, on top of their own misery.
Love and spoiling can sometimes look similar, but as we all know they lead to very different outcomes. Understanding the difference can help us raise children who feel loved, but not entitled.
To Love is to Give
When we meet the child’s emotional needs to feel valuable and safe, the child can feel our love. That includes affection, attention, and encouragement, even when the child makes a poor choice. (This does not mean that we don’t set limits. Of course we do!) Love is not about giving children everything they want, it’s about giving them what they truly need in order to grow.
When a child is loved well, they learn that:
- They are important
- Their feelings matter
- They can trust their caregivers
- They are capable of handling challenges
Love builds confidence, resilience, and emotional strength. A loving parent listens, sets boundaries, teaches skills, and stays connected even during hard moments.
For example, when a child is upset, loving parenting might sound like:
“I know you’re disappointed. It’s hard when you can’t have what you want. I’m here with you.”
That response gives comfort without giving in.
Spoiling a Child Means Avoiding Discomfort
Spoiling happens when parents give children excessive things, not because the child needs it, but because the parent wants to prevent frustration, sadness, or conflict. Spoiling often comes from good intentions. Parents may feel guilty, exhausted, or afraid of upsetting their child. But when children are constantly rescued from discomfort, they miss opportunities to develop patience, gratitude, and emotional regulation.
Spoiling teaches children:
- I should always get what I want
- Someone else will fix things for me
- Rules don’t apply when I’m upset
- My comfort comes before responsibility
A spoiled child is not “bad,” but rather is unprepared for limits, disappointment, or delayed gratification.
Love includes boundaries. Spoiling removes them. Loving parents set limits because limits create safety and structure. They understand that children thrive when they know what to expect. Spoiling happens when limits disappear, especially in response to whining, tantrums, or demands. For example:
Loving: “You can have that after you put away your toys.”
Spoiling: “Fine, take it now, just stop crying.”
Love holds the boundary with empathy. Spoiling gives in to avoid the emotional storm. Love prepares children for life. A loving parent’s goal is long-term growth. Love teaches children responsibility, respect, and independence.
This might mean requiring children to help with age-appropriate chores, to hear the word “no” sometimes, to solve problems instead of being rescued, and to accept that some situations will mean encountering frustrations. And rather than escaping these frustrating or difficult situations through indulging they need to be faced head on. These moments can feel uncomfortable, but they are essential for raising emotionally strong kids.
Spoiling, on the other hand, focuses on short-term happiness – keeping the child pleased in the moment, even if it creates feelings of entitlement or dependence later.
The Healthy Balance
Loving children deeply does not mean giving them everything they want. It means giving them connection, guidance, and support, along with healthy boundaries. Parents can remember this simple truth: Love is meeting needs. Spoiling is removing limits.
Children need affection, attention, and security, but they also need structure, responsibility, and the ability to tolerate disappointment. When love and limits go together, children grow into adults who are both emotionally secure and capable.