Rabbi David Ashear
Rav Yosef Karo, author of the Shulhan Aruch, wrote in his sefer Maggid Meisharim that at one time, before he moved to Eretz Yisrael, some residents of his city shamed and ridiculed him by continuously speaking negatively about him to others. The angel with whom he learned told him the teaching of the Chovot HaLevavot that those who talk negatively about others and ridicule them, the merit for their mitzvot is transferred to the one about whom they were speaking.
“If you knew the merits you gained from this,” he said to Ray Yosef, “you would run over to those people and thank them the same way you would if they had emptied their money chests and given the contents to you. You have many potentially great accomplishments awaiting you in the future. You needed these merits to help you achieve them.”
Whenever anyone affects us negatively, it is always a blessing from Hashem – in disguise. No one is able to harm us unless it is the Will of Hashem, and Hashem’s Will is always to help us. We are commanded in the Torah never to bear a grudge or take revenge against people but to work on ourselves, uproot our negative feelings, and love the people instead.
This is an extremely difficult task that requires us to go totally against our nature, but the rewards are great. The Mishnah says (Pirkei Avot 2:4): “When we nullify our will to do the Will of Hashem, then Hashem, in turn, makes our will His Will.” When we know with clarity that Hashem is waiting for us to overlook their actions and forgive those who try to harm us, it becomes easier.
Mrs. Katz told me that one of her children came home from school angry and offended because his friend had publicly humiliated him. Deeply hurt, he declared that he would take revenge on his tormentor by publicizing an issue the boy wanted kept private. The woman tried to dissuade her son from his plan, but he wouldn’t budge. Then she suggested, “Let’s at least read one selection from the sefer Chafetz Chaim. It may be something relevant to this topic and perhaps it will help you.”
The boy agreed. Mrs. Katz opened the book to a random page and the heading read: “The Prohibition of Revenge and Bearing a Grudge and the Rewards for One Who Guards Himself.” Mother and son were both moved by the clear hashgachat Hashem that they had just experienced. Teary-eyed, the youngster said, “Okay, I’m going to control my feelings and forgive the person who hurt me today.”
At times, a few words, even when not directly addressed to the person who has been hurt, can mollify him and inspire him to do the Will of Hashem.
A Rabbi in Brooklyn told me that his father, Ray Elchanan Halpern, held the position as rabbi in a shul in London. Every day, between Minha and Arbit, he would learn Mishnah Berurah with his congregants. After finishing the sefer several times over the course of many years, the Rabbi was advised to learn a Mussar sefer instead. He chose Pele Yo’eitz, which addresses many topics in Judaism in alphabetical order and gives hizuk for each one. One afternoon, they were up to the topic of not taking revenge. The Rabbi taught the entire piece between Minha and Arbit, as always. The people in the group were moved by his inspiring words. After prayers, a man from out of town approached the Rabbi and asked why he chose to speak about that topic. The Rabbi replied that they learn the sefer every day and that day they were up to that topic. The man then confided, “I just flew in from America for a business meeting this morning. At the meeting I was humiliated, taken advantage of, and practically swindled out of a large amount of money. All I have been doing since then was planning my revenge. I happened to walk into your shul for Minhah and your class was about not taking revenge. It was very inspiring. I have now decided to forgive and move on instead.”
Hashem wants us to forgive. And if we find that it’s extremely hard to do, it will make the reward even greater.