Mozelle Forman

Our community is blessed, for the most part, with affluence that tends to place a heavy emphasis on material possessions.  Looking around and seeing the opulent lifestyle of our friends and neighbors can entice one to make poor decisions about their own financial life.  “Keeping up with the Joneses,” can become a dangerous position to take when a couple begins to live beyond their means in order to fit in.  This choice – the way they earn, the way they spend – becomes the responsibility of both husband and wife

Ari Perl, LCSW, a couples therapist, facilitates a group for men at SBH, entitled, “The Pressures of Providing,” addressing this phenomenon and “providing a space of mutual support from like-minded guys.”  What has emerged in this group are the deepest feelings that men have about providing for their family, things they may never have felt comfortable sharing with their wives. 

“The men in our group have expressed the wish that others understood the gravity of the burden of managing and budgeting bills and debt- and the constant nature of it. They are choking, caught between a rock and a hard place, between tuition, housing, and other basic living expenses on one side and an income that hardly covers it on the other. They wish they didn’t get hit with sudden large bills even for some ‘noble causes,’ and if they are, they wish their wives would understand what impact that has on them. They wish they didn’t need to conflict with their wives over these issues, let alone be ‘hit’ by sudden large purchases that they only know [about] because they see the bill or the package come in the mail. They need understanding, compassion, respect, and for all of these to be expressed through ongoing close contact over these issues.”

Man As the Provider

To understand why men carry the burden of parnassa alone, we simply have to look back to when Hashem decreed it should be, b’zeat apecha tochal lachem – with the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread.  For a man, there is an intrinsic connection between supporting his family and his sense of self-worth.  His need to provide well for his family is not dictated by his “ego,” it is his Gd-given mandate to work hard and support his family. 

The mandate, though particular to man, was not meant to be his struggle alone.  When Hashem created Chava, it was not only to alleviate something negative, Adam’s being alone, it was to provide him with something positive, an “ezer kenegdo” – a curious synthesis of “helpmate against him” – as his partner in the challenges of daily living.  Our sages explain that in a relationship, there are times when one is most helpful by being supportive and alongside one’s spouse, and there are times when the help that is needed requires going against the desires and position of one’s spouse. The goal is to know when each action is appropriate. Regardless of the action, it is clear that woman was given a mandate from Hashem to act and to influence.

Collaboration and Communication

In order for this helping relationship to thrive, collaboration and communication are essential.  If a man is not disclosing an honest assessment of the family’s financial state, he deprives himself of this help.  When a husband does not disclose to his wife that this year’s business was not as profitable and therefore, adjustments to their spending need to be made, he leaves himself abandoned and alone in meeting the financial needs of the family.  When a wife is not made aware of the true nature of the family’s income, she may feel resentful when she is told that she needs to cut back on spending.  She decides that things can’t be that bad and continues to spend as always.  It can be quite tempting and calming for a wife to have the attitude that her husband is in charge and “let him handle it.”  Receiving a “salary” for the week and remaining unaware of all the other bills waiting to be paid may give a wife a sense of serenity and security.  But if you ask the wife who became aware of the family’s dire financial situation when she watched her car being repossessed in her driveway or if you ask the wife who discovered that her home is now in foreclosure because the mortgage hasn’t been paid in years, they will tell you that they would have liked to have known.

Any financial planner would offer a straightforward, simple plan to alleviating stress about money – “We don’t spend more than we earn.” And while this should solve most financial issues, most couples can’t adopt this philosophy when underlying psychological implications of power and security are not addressed. 

Values-Based Financial Choices

Rabbi Manis Friedman, world-renowned author, teacher, and speaker on creating a successful marriage, emphasizes the significance of open communication and shared decision-making regarding finances within a marriage, encouraging couples to discuss financial goals and responsibilities openly. He often cautions against placing too much emphasis on material wealth as the primary factor in marital happiness, suggesting that true fulfillment comes from deeper connections and shared values.  He advocates for incorporating ethical and spiritual considerations when making financial choices, aligning personal values with financial actions. 

Ari Perl witnesses this first-hand in the couples he counsels.  “When a couple sets personal family values and make decisions about their standard of living together it’s very powerful, inspiring, and rewarding.  It’s an opportunity to renew their vows around what’s really meaningful and valuable- like family, faith, health, personal accomplishments, and being happy with your portion.”

Every marriage begins with a financial transaction called kiddushin. In kiddushin, the man gives the woman, in the presence of two witnesses, money or some other object, such as a ring, valued at no less than a perutah, signifying their union. While the woman is a passive participant in this initial financial transaction, it is unadvisable for her to remain a silent partner.  When both spouses are aware of and are concerned about the financial stability of their family, they have the best chance of success.  Most couples spend their entire married lives disagreeing about financial matters.  Disagreement does not mean they have a bad relationship. It simply means they haven’t found the right way to discuss a difficult topic.  Experts in the field give the following advice:

Expert Advice

Talk to each other – Discuss your hopes and dreams, while prioritizing goals.  Discuss how you can work together to achieve them, recognizing that some dreams are not realistic for your family. 

Discuss money regularly –In order that issues don’t build up and solve the differences and challenges between you rather than debating who is right.  Accept that some problems are unsolvable and focus on constructive ways to discuss them. 

Try to understand your partner’s perspective –As in everything else having to do with marriage, we must take into account that we are each individual with different money styles. For example, one partner may prioritize saving for retirement, while the other may prioritize spending on leisure activities. Take the time to learn to listen to each other. When you are open to compromise with your partner about money, you can work together to find the best solution for both of you. Lastly, if conflict or lack of transparency still prevail, seek the help of a rabbi, counselor, or financial planner to insure the financial health and well-being of your family.

Look for the Warning Signs

While financial assessment meetings should take place regularly, there are a few red flags regarding finances that require immediate attention:

• If a spouse refuses to talk about money or gets defensive when asked about finances, it’s a red flag that they might be hiding important information that could affect the other spouse’s financial well-being. This could include hidden debt or an excessive spending habit, compulsive gambling, or unethical business practices.

• When a spouse overspends continually on a credit card, it can quickly snowball into a debt crisis for the couple.  Opening more new credit cards and maxing out multiple credit cards will not only create the debt crisis but will damage your credit, making you ineligible to apply for loans in the future.

• When a spouse is unwilling to create a budget or stick to a budget created together, financial crisis can occur and trust can be damaged.

QUESTION:

Dear Rabbi Ali,

I’ve been married for 19 years and my marriage has been anything but good. My spouse has caused much heartache and refuses to change. We’ve been arguing about this for so long and I don’t believe he will ever change. I have never spoken to anyone about this and I don’t know where to turn. Do you have any advice for me?

R’ Ali’s Response:

As I mention often, anyone who feels that their marriage is not in a great place should not rely on a response in a short email. Although I try to offer a new perspective for you and the readers, I  mainly offer food for thought, which is in no way, shape, or form a substitute for professional assistance.

I would like to address a few points that you mention that are relevant in many marriages and are not exclusive to those who are struggling.

First is something that I often see when counseling people. Couples wait far too long before they reach out for help. There are a number of reasons for this. The simple reason is that people are embarrassed to let others know that they are struggling. Although this is normal, there’s truly nothing to be embarrassed about. We call our rabbi for assistance with our children, business, or even struggles that we have personally, but with marriage we tend to hold back. People do not reach out for help also be because marriage is a private relationship and we’d rather not let people into our private lives. There are professionals who specialize in this area and keep everything totally confidential, so there is no need to refrain from getting help.

Another reason for waiting to seek help is that we feel maybe things will just work out, or “I’ll figure this one out.” This is also a huge mistake. If you are getting stuck with the same issues over and over again, most likely things will not “just work themselves out.” I’ve spoken to many people who were stuck with the same issue for five to fifty-five years. All they needed was a third party to point out where they were going wrong and to give a few simple tips to get things in order. Just as an example,a woman once called me up in distress and explained to me how overwhelmed she is and how her husband doesn’t help out at all. She drives five kids to school every day and picks them up. Of course, she has asked him to help out and he said he would but never did. I simply advised her to discuss with him the drop off and pickup and what works with her schedule and his. They made simple arrangements. I advised her to let her husband do his job, which most likely entailed letting him oversleep and drive the kids to school late for a day or two. After a week, she had things in order and he offered more help on top of what he was already doing. This is just an example of a couple in distress who needed a few tips to get things in order.

One more reason people refrain from seeking help is plain old stubbornness. Many people will realize that their relationship is not in such a good place, however more times than not, they believe that their spouse is causing all of the problems. They will say things such as, “I don’t need help, you do, go fix yourself.” Or, “Why am I going to couples counseling if I’m not the problem?” Although I do believe that one person can contribute to a bigger percentage of the problems, both spouses are contributing to some part of a relationship issue. This might be a hard pill to swallow but it’s true. Even if you feel as though your spouse is contributing to most of the problems in the relationship (which would need a third party to determine that) you are still part of this relationship and are responsible to do your best to make it work. You may not be at fault, but once you sign up for a marriage you are responsible to make it work. It’s reckless to sit back and wait for your spouse to change or get help. Be proactive, for yourself, your spouse, and your family.

Dave Gordon

In his second term, Donald Trump reportedly signed more executive orders on his first day in office than any other president in U.S. history. It was the harbinger of things to come, as he rapidly followed through on his campaign promises of promoting law and order, fighting anti-Semitism, increasing government efficiency, ridding the country of woke policies, and more. His first few weeks of office included scores of new executive directives that many believe will steer the country to safety, security, and sovereignty.

In terms of security and related issues, Mexico and Canada border patrols have increased, and both countries have also pledged to shore up their own patrols. The president seeks detention and deportation of anyone in the U.S. illegally.

Trump has also made it harder for those who cross the border specifically to have a child in the U.S. Children born to these parents are pejoratively called “anchor babies,” implying that the child’s birth is intended to help the parents and other family members gain legal residency or avoid deportation.

A Trump order redefines birthright citizenship under the 14^th Amendment, which grants citizenship to all persons born on U.S. soil. Trump asserts that a child born in the U.S. is not a citizen if either parent does not have legal immigration status or is in the country legally but only temporarily.

Anti-Semitism 

Within ten days of taking office, Trump signed a pledge to deport non-citizen college students, and others who took part in pro-Hamas protests.

Trump’s Executive Order 13899, signed during his first term in 2019, was designed to prevent anti-Semitism by making it easier to use laws that prohibit institutional discrimination against people based on race, color, or national origin to punish discrimination against Jews. Expanding on this, Trump promised immediate action by the Justice Department to prosecute “terroristic threats, arson, vandalism, and violence against American Jews,” and marshal federal resources to combat what it called “the explosion of anti-Semitism on our campuses and streets” since the October 7, 2023, attack on Israel. It also calls for the cancelling of student visas of Hamas sympathizers on college campuses, and deportation on non-citizens who are pro-jihadist protesters.

The executive order mandates that within 60 days, heads of agencies and departments must submit to the White House their recommendations on all potential criminal and civil legal measures that could be employed to combat anti-Semitism. Additionally, it calls for a comprehensive review and analysis of legal cases involving alleged civil rights violations related to pro-Palestinian demonstrations at K-12 schools, colleges, and universities. This review could potentially result in actions to remove non-citizen students and staff members.

Trump noted in the memorandum that after the October 7 terror attacks “pro-Hamas aliens and left-wing radicals began a campaign of intimidation, vandalism, and violence on the campuses and streets of America. Celebrating Hamas’ mass rape, kidnapping, and murder, they physically blocked Jewish Americans from attending college classes, obstructed synagogues and assaulted worshippers, and vandalized American monuments and statues.”

Trump added that the Biden Administration “turned a blind eye to this coordinated assault on public order; it simply refused to protect the civil rights of Jewish Americans, especially students.” Trump also cited the December 2024 U.S. House of Representatives Staff Report on anti-Semitism, which said “the failure of our federal government departments and agencies is astounding.”

“I will issue clear orders to my Attorney General,” Trump continued, “to aggressively prosecute terroristic threats, arson, vandalism, and violence against American Jews.”

Support of Israel

Trump has shown strong and steadfast support for Israel.

Within 15 days of swearing in, Trump welcomed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to the White House. (President Biden did so after1,283 days.)

This meeting symbolically showed that the two nations were closer than ever, especially seeing that Netanyahu was the first foreign dignitary to visit after the inauguration.

In his first term, Trump made great strides to bolster ties with Israel. He opened the U.S. embassy in Jerusalem (recognizing it as Israel’s capital), he recognized the Golan Heights as Israeli territory, closed the PLO office in Washington, cut $500 million to the Palestinian Authority, reduced UNWRA funding (the UN Relief and Works Agency – supposedly dedicated to relief work, but actually has been a haven for supporting terror against Israel), spearheaded the Abraham Accords, and said that Israelis living in Judea and Samaria were not violating international law. In his second term, Trump continued his unwavering support of Israel.

Trump withdrew from the United Nations Human Rights Council (that was notoriously anti-Israel), completely defunded UNWRA, lifted sanctions on Israelis in Judea and Samaria, and supported a bill to officially call the area of the “West Bank,” Judea and Samaria. By early February Trump had already released weapons that were blocked by the Biden administration, citing the reason: “Because they bought them.”

In one of his last acts of office in 2021, Trump designated Yemen’s Houthis as a terrorist organization, which was quickly reversed by Biden, and then reinstated by Trump in his second term.

Energy and Oil

Trump has been a strong proponent of domestic oil and gas drilling, and within a short time he ordered agency heads to revoke, rescind, or revise regulations that restrict oil and gas leasing in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He also lifted bans on oil and gas exploration in parts of the National Petroleum Reserve in Alaska.

Trump is against relying on foreign oil, even from Canada. Trump asserts that Alaska’s vast wilderness areas hold immense potential for oil and gas development that could significantly benefit both the state and the nation as a whole. Trump believes there are compelling economic and energy dependence reasons to support expanded drilling in Alaska’s wildlife areas, despite strong criticism from environmental groups.

Although the U.S. has made significant strides in reducing its reliance on foreign oil, it still imports a considerable amount of petroleum products. By tapping into Alaska’s vast reserves, estimated at 7.7 to 11.8 billion barrels of oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge alone, the U.S. could further reduce its dependence on foreign sources.

The geopolitical implications of increased domestic oil production are significant. As Alaska’s Senator Lisa Murkowski noted, “Even after just a few years, we are already beginning to see the significant shifts brought on by our growing oil production.” Expanded drilling in Alaska could strengthen America’s position in global energy markets and provide leverage in international relations.

Proponents note that proposed drilling areas represent only a small percentage of Alaska’s total wilderness. For instance, the area under consideration for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is 1.5 million acres out of the refuge’s total 19.6 million acres.

In concrete terms, Trump signed an executive order revoking the Biden Administration’s ban on new offshore oil and gas development along most of the country’s coastlines, despite the outcry of environmentalists. Trump also revoked Biden’s action that prevented oil and gas drilling in 2.8 million acres in the Arctic Ocean. Moreover, Trump directed the Secretary of Energy to restart reviews of applications for liquefied natural gas (LNG) export projects, lifting a freeze imposed by the Biden administration.

Paris Climate Agreement

President Trump swiftly withdrew the United States from the Paris Agreement (also called the Paris Accords or Paris Climate Accords), an international treaty on climate change, adopted by 196 parties at the UN Climate Change Conference in Paris in December 2015, which took force in November 2016. The new order blocks transfer of U.S. funds previously obligated to the International Climate Finance Plan.

The Paris Agreement, while a landmark global effort to address climate change, has several significant flaws that some say hinder its effectiveness. One of the most significant weaknesses of the Paris Agreement is its reliance on voluntary compliance. Countries can set their own targets and policies without binding implementation. There are no penalties for countries that fail to meet their targets.

The Paris Agreement places a higher burden on more highly developed nations. Developed nations are expected to contribute more financial resources to help less developed nations and are expected to make larger emissions reductions. Some argue that the agreement’s goals rely heavily on speculative science, and an overreliance on computational models that may or may not reflect actual future outcomes. Others strongly disagree.

DOGE

Trump took swift action against what he felt was misspending, overspending, and waste, when he installed the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), under the direction of Elon Musk. On February 11th, Musk announced that DOGE had uncovered “billions and billions of dollars in waste, fraud, and abuse.”

Some examples include: a $36,000 contract for DEI-related (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) workshops at the Department of Homeland Security, a $1 million contract supporting the “Gender X Initiative” at the Social Security Administration, a $1 million contract for a diversity communications campaign for agricultural professionals at the Department of Agriculture, a $375,000 contract for DEI and onboarding services at the U.S. Forest Service, a $30,000 contract for a Central America Gender Assessment Consultant at the U.S. Forest Service, a $230,000 contract for Brazil forest and gender consultant services at the Department of Agriculture, and a $4 million contract for DEI consultation services and training in the Jobs Corps program at the Department of Labor.

Reporters estimate that the elimination of 85 contracts related to diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility (DEIA) at more than a dozen federal agencies, will cut government spending by approximately $1 billion. In addition, 12 underutilized leases were cancelled, saving approximately $3 million and the termination of 22 leases, saves $44.6 million. Another $1 billion was saved by rescinding government over-hiring. And still another $45 million was saved by elimination of scholarships to students in Burma.

DOGE has targeted the United States Agency for International Development (USAID) for cuts, with Musk claiming the agency is “incredibly politically partisan” and a “radical-left political psy op.”  Some 99 percent of the 12,000 jobs at USAID have now been cut, saving a reported $40 billion.

Some of the USAID money had been spent on farming equipment for the Taliban, $1.5 million to advance diversity, equity and inclusion in Serbia’s workplaces and business communities,| and $70,000 for a DEI musical in Ireland, $47,000 for a transgender opera in Colombia, $32,000 for a transgender comic book in Peru, $2.5 million for electric vehicles in Vietnam, $6 million to fund tourism in Egypt, millions that were directed to the Wuhan lab in China (that allegedly leaked COVID-19), and hundreds of thousands of dollars that made its way to fighters affiliated with al-Qaeda-in Syria.

Gender Identification

There will be no more “they/them” or “zhir/zim” or thirty-six genders promoted by the federal government. Trump has required that the U.S. government recognize only two genders, male and female, on passports, visas, Global Entry cards, all other forms and documents, and in all programs and communications.

Trump also forbade federal money, including grants, from being used to promote gender ideology and he directed the attorney general and Homeland Security secretary to “ensure that males are not detained in women’s prisons or housed in women’s detention centers.”

President Trump signed an executive order on February 5, 2025 that aims to ban men from participating in women’s and girls’ sports. The executive order, titled, “Keeping Men Out of Women’s Sports,” directs federal agencies, including the Department of Justice, to interpret Title IX as prohibiting transgender girls and women from competing in female sports categories. The order threatens to withdraw federal funding from schools and institutions that allow men to participate in women’s sports. (While executive orders are significant, they are not laws passed by Congress. They can be challenged in court and may be overturned by future administrations. Already, there are legal challenges being mounted against this order.)

President Trump’s first month in office during his second term has been marked by a flurry of executive orders and policy changes that have set a clear direction for his administration. These actions have touched on a wide range of issues, from immigration and energy policy to government efficiency and social issues.

Conclusion

Community members, while interested in all aspects of American life, are especially thankful to President Trump for his strong stand to support Israel and to abolish anti-Semitism, especially on college campuses. Trump famously declared that if the hostages held by Hamas were not all released by noon February 15^th, “all hell will break loose.” Hamas declared it was breaking its agreement, but backtracked, certainly due to Trump’s threat, and delivered three hostages on the 15^th.