Time 

The dictionary would tell you, that time is the indefinite continued progress of existence, events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. 

Grandpa Joe knew the true value and essence of time. 

He perfected it. 

He shared his treasure of the past, so we can learn for the future.  

He gave of his love with his presence, so we can give it, too. 

He gifted his time, and how we wish he could have been gifted more. 

His love – no one could do it better. 

Early morning, late at night – the clock didn’t matter. Grandpa was there – for each and every one of us. Time stood still when you were with Grandpa. His depth of knowledge, humor, and wit superseded the need or want to be anywhere else. 

Communication 

He had a gift of communication.  

We waited on his every word; we prized each smile. 

We would treasure his thumbs up and would laugh hysterically from his humor. 

Grandpa communicated in many ways beyond words. He communicated by showing interest in others. 

Grandpa was the patriarch. The ultimate energy in the room. 

The warmth of his hugs, even when he would say he’s freezing, his smile even when things were tough. His timeless love always shining on through. 

He also gave others their time. 

Time to speak, time to share their story, time to grieve, and time to share their memories. 

Everyone has time, but Grandpa gave of his time unconditionally and what looked like would be forever. 

Because forever and love aren’t bound by time. 

They are timeless. 

Time is the single greatest influence on our lives. 

There is no substitute. 

Torah 

Then there is eternity “infinite or unending time,” which is the Torah. 

Grandpa was brilliant. He lived by his words. He lived for his family, he lived by the Torah. 

With time, there is the power of consistency. 

Consistency takes work. It requires tenacity and perseverance. 

Below is the speech Grandpa Joe gave over at the arayat of his mother, Sarah Antebi Sutton, a”h.   

Three weeks ago, we read Parshat Eikev. 

This was about the Shema. 

The Shema speaks about Hashem’s way, and how we should follow His way. 

We should also teach our children Hashem’s way and teach our children’s children Hashem’s way. 

This is how we honor Hashem. 

She taught us her outlook on life. 

All mothers have a mission in life – that’s bringing up their children. 

This was our mother’s mission, too.  

She did it in Hashem’s way – being charitable, doing acts of hesed, being humble, visiting the sick, and helping the poor people.  

My mother taught us and all her children and grandchildren that way. 

Her testimony to that is in through her family’s work. 

Going back to when we were small children, my mother worked day and night shifts in Times Square. And even on Saturday night when Shabbat was over they would pick her up. 

She sacrificed her time so that we could have extra comfort. 

Mom’s courage and bravery were very evident.  

She was a fighter, that never left any stone unturned until she got her job done. 

On one Rosh Hashanah, I remember quite clearly that I didn’t have money for a new pair of shoes. She said, “Don’t worry Joey, there are people out there without any feet.” 

So, let’s all think about where our mothers and grandmothers are. Please spend time with them and bring your children. 

Kiss them and hug them with your children and let your children learn who they really are. 

It’s not an errand, it’s something that you should want to do. 

If I had to somehow do it all again, what would I think I would have to change? 

I would spend more time with my mother.  

The way that her mother taught her children and the way we pass it on to our children. And they will pass it to their grandchildren, which is Hashem’s way. This is the Shema that we learn in Parshat Eikev. 

Mesorah 

This was the mesorah Grandpa truly lived by. 

This was ingrained in him, and he ingrained it in us. 

Words of consistency, words that stand the test of time. 

Grandpa lived by the lesson of the Shema, which he learned from his mother. 

That we should always treasure the time we have with our grandparents. 

Perpetuate their lessons to our children. 

The lessons of love, communication, time, and the eternal importance of the Torah. 

Nowadays, so many things we want can be accessed instantly. We order a package from Amazon and, using our Prime Now account, have it delivered within a few hours. When corresponding with a friend, rather than writing the letter by hand, putting it into an envelope, addressing and stamping said envelope, trekking to the mailbox to mail it, and then waiting for a reply, we type the letter, press “send,” and generally receive a reply within minutes. Even checks are nearly obsolete, replaced by much speedier methods of sending money, such as PayPal, QuickPay, and Zelle. And now that just about everyone owns a phone with a built-in camera or at least a digital camera, when was the last time you heard of someone taking a picture with a camera, waiting until all 24 or 36 pictures of the film have been taken, bringing the film to a photo store, and then waiting another week until the photographs were developed? 

This has extended to mitzvot, as well. We can purchase simanim - from checked pomegranate seeds to tzimmes to cooked fish heads - for Rosh Hashanah, prefab sukkot and vacuum-packed hadassim for Sukkot, prefilled oil cups for Hanukah, and ready-made mishloah manot for Purim. For Pesach, not only can we buy charoset and prechecked chazeret, we can even purchase salt water for karpas. 

The Downside to Easy Living 

Yet there is a downside to all this. 

In a world of instant gratification, the ability to “tolerate” appears to be a lost art. This includes tolerating our negative emotions, tolerating discomfort – mental or physical – or even tolerating one another.  We expect to find solutions easily, and with minimal effort. The advertising industry is intent on convincing us that answers to every imaginable problem are readily available. 

We have been sold on promises of “bliss,” and believe that a stress-free existence is attainable. Even so, our stress levels are higher than ever. We are told negative emotions are “bad,” and that we should not allow ourselves to feel sad, frustrated, or disappointed, even if our experiences are sad, frustrating, or disappointing.   

The Antidote 

The therapeutic concept of “acceptance” may provide some enlightenment to foster a new paradigm with which we can be comfortable. Yes, comfortable with our discomfort.  When we feel stress and anxiety, our natural instinct is to push those feelings away, to fight them. However, the more we fight, the more we feed our anxiety, even intensifying it. Essentially, engaging in the battle to fight our anxiety causes us to be more anxious. Our expectation of living the ubiquitously marketed “stress-free existence” is not only unrealistic and unattainable, but the idea that we can live a utopian life, free of stress, causes us to feel additional stress, merely for the fact that we are stressed in the first place.   

Think about the last time you went outside in a heavy snowstorm. You struggled against the wind and snow, squinting to avoid snowflakes from falling into your eyes, expending mental and physical energy to take the next step. 

Now, let’s say that for a few moments you stopped fighting the elements and just let the snowflakes fall wherever they landed, even in your ears, your eyes, and your mouth. No, it didn’t stop snowing, but you experienced a sense of calm as you allowed reality to set in, even accepting it. 

The circumstances did not change. But your reaction did.  

 TAKEAWAY 

Reflect upon an ongoing challenge in your life, a circumstance over which you have no control. Instead of merely accepting it as a Gd-given nisayon, a Gd-given test, use this challenge as a springboard for growth and as an opportunity to become closer to Hashem. 

We cannot change our circumstances, but we can change our reactions. 

S. Estroff

The back-to-school season is, for all intents and purposes, a period of pure parental mayhem. From tracking down the coolest backpack on the block to searching out the latest trends in school, our to-do lists seem virtually endless.  

Still, for many modern-day parents, the stress of preparing our kids for their return to academia pales in comparison to the pressure we endure once they actually get there. After all, in our achievement-obsessed society, it often feels that our parental efficacy is directly correlated with our children’s standardized test scores. It’s no wonder that the sheer thought of homework, report cards, and parent-teacher conferences has our stomach turning somersaults. 

And if all this academic pressure is tough on us as parents, it’s wreaking absolute havoc on our kids. Research reveals all kinds of worrisome trends showing up en masse in 21st-century schoolchildren – from anxiety and depression to psychosomatic illness to drug and alcohol consumption. So intense is the pressure to perform in school, in fact, that a cover story of Newsweek titled “Fourth Grade Slump” reported a rampant and unprecedented academic malaise – characterized by declining interest in reading and gradual disengagement from school – that’s striking American kids. 

One of the most marvelous aspects of the Jewish tradition is its ability to guide, protect, and strengthen us at times when we need it most. As if our forefathers could see eons into the future – knowing their descendants would one day be faced with back-to-school stress of Biblical proportions – they’ve sent sage advice our way. The following golden nuggets of ancient Jewish wisdom will go a long way toward keeping your family sane, happy, and healthy this back-to-school season – and for many school years to come. 

Study for Its Own Sake 

The Mishna states that Torah should be studied lishmah, for its own sake. In other words, we shouldn’t be learning Torah with ulterior motives, such getting on Gd’s A-list or wowing others with our Biblical mastery. Rather, we should release ourselves to the beauty and majesty of the text, enjoying it in its own right.  

By the same token, we should not present the act of learning to our children as a means to an end (i.e. you study science so you can ace the exam so you can get into a really good college one day). Instead, we must help them recognize and embrace the inherent magic, excitement, and privilege of discovering the world around them. 

There’s a beautiful Jewish custom of drizzling honey on the Hebrew letters the first time a child learns the Aleph-Bet. The purpose of the honey is not to disguise the work that inevitably lies ahead, but to serve as a reminder to savor its sweetness. Similarly, by following up the nightly homework drill with a family nature hike together – or setting aside an hour one evening to cuddle up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn for some family DEAR (Drop Everything and Read) time – we can recapture the inherent yumminess of learning without undermining the importance of schoolwork. 

And on the Seventh Day Gd Rested 

Let’s face it. Try as we might to reduce our kids’ academic stress, we can’t do away with it completely. School is, after all, hard work by design. While studying is enlightening and empowering, it can also be demanding and rigorous. And that’s exactly the way it should be. Judaism places great value on work, and diligence, and of course, on study. 

But our religion also believes in downtime. “Six days shall you labor and do all your work” reads the Book of Shemot, “and the seventh day is the Sabbath to the L-rd your Gd [on which] you shall not do any work.”  

Our kids desperately need a time to recharge and refuel. And in Shabbat, they have it.  

Our kids spend their school weeks in constant motion, schlepping from classes to baseball practice to musical lessons to Gemara tutors. They desperately need a time to recharge and refuel. And in Shabbat, they have it. But Shabbat is far more than just a weekly chill session for our kids. In the Sabbath rituals our children find the consistency and predictability they need to thrive despite a frenetically paced life. They find the spirituality and hope that will keep them emotionally healthy in an unpredictable 21st-century world. 

Educate a Child According to His Way 

In modern day America, cramming kids into societally constructed Harvard-bound boxes has become a parental sport. But the reality is that not every child is hardwired to go to Harvard. The wise King Solomon recognizes this truth in the Book of Proverbs when he teaches us that we must “educate a child according to his way.” Notice, he doesn’t say anything about our way, or the school system’s way, or the college entrance board’s way. He says simply the child’s way. 

On one level, these words entail a basic acceptance of our child’s academic realities – coming to terms with the fact that our son may have certain learning challenges that require a unique educational approach, or that our daughter is simply going to be – despite tutoring sessions galore – a perfectly average math student. 

Recognize and nurture your children’s unique sets of gifts and talents.  

But the commandment of educating a child according to his way also requires us to go a step further by recognizing and nurturing our children’s unique sets of gifts and talents – whether or not they’re considered “gifts” and “talents” by modern societal standards. In his Book of Jewish Values, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin shares his take on King Solomon’s timeless teaching:  

As a parent you are obligated to be conscious of your child’s special intellectual and artistic abilities and interests. Yet I’ve met parents who have definite views about precisely what sort of person their child should be, and who do not take into account the child’s personal interests. Such an attitude denies a child’s very individuality.  

One of my favorite tools for illuminating children’s unique gifts is Howard Gardner’s highly acclaimed theory of multiple intelligences (1983, 1999) in which he delineates at least eight distinct types of intelligences of value to society that exist in human beings, eight different realms in which to uncover the sparks of genius in our children. 

Kids who are masters of puzzles and Lego, for example, exhibit what Gardner calls spatial intelligence, while children who love reading and telling stories possess linguistic intelligence. Bug-loving kiddies tend to exhibit naturalistic intelligence, while children who get a kick out of strategy games often have logical-mathematical intelligence. Children with natural leadership skills have interpersonal intelligence, while introspective, spiritual children have intrapersonal intelligence. Kids with bodily-kinesthetic intelligence are agile and physically coordinated, while those with musical intelligence have a knack for singing and playing instruments. 

And if you’re especially fortunate along your parenting journey, you’ll get to know a child with menschlich intelligence – a spark of Gd-given sweetness and compassion that far transcends the 99th percentile on the New York State Regents exam. 

So, even if you conclude that your child is not a budding Albert Einstein, relax. You’re in good company. At the end of the day, most of our kids are, well, regular old kids – good at some things, not so good at others. And counting on us to love and support them in all their wonderfully regular-kid glory.

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas

Ralph suffers from kidney complications and his wife Sandra is currently pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy. They were each horrified to hear from their respective physicians they must each drink two litres of water every single day, including on Yom Kippur. They have never broken their fast before and asked me if they should fast or at least use IV for hydration instead of actually drinking. 

When Your Medical Advisor Prohibits Fasting 

The Shulhan Aruch (O.C. 818:1) is clear: If a qualified medical practitioner establishes that fasting could potentially endanger a person’s life, he or she must not fast, as it is forbidden to place one’s life in danger. Fasting when medically advised to not do so is considered a grave sin, as the Torah instructs us to “live by them” (Vayikra 18:5) meaning that mitzva observance must not be the cause of a person’s death, including the mitzva to fast on Yom Kippur.  

If a person endangers his life by fasting it is considered an act of self-harm and falls under the prohibition of possible suicide. Hacham Ovadia (Yechaveh Daat 1:61) writes: “If there is concern of possible danger to his life by fasting, one must listen to the doctor and eat on Yom Kippur, because pikuach nefesh overrides the mitzva of fasting on Yom Kippur. If the sick person is stringent and fasts nonetheless, has he not acted in a pious manner; on the contrary, he will be punished for this.” 

According to the Shulhan Aruch (817:1), healthy pregnant women are generally able to fast on Yom Kippur and should do so, making sure to eat and drink sufficiently before the fast. The vast majority of poskim agree there is no blanket rule that exempts pregnant women from fasting; each case should be evaluated individually (Nishmat Avraham 617:1). If a doctor believes that a particular pregnant woman cannot fast due to a medical condition, or has a high- risk pregnancy, or is bleeding, or is experiencing contractions, she must not fast (Ohr Lezion 4:14:1). At the same time, she should find out how much liquid she needs to drink to remain safe and healthy and, if drinking will not suffice, how much she needs to eat.  

Drinking Shiurim – Small Amounts 

Similarly, if a doctor determines that fasting may cause a woman to miscarry, or she has experienced two or more miscarriages while fasting, she should drink shiurim (Hazon Ovadia, Yamim Norayim, p. 295). 

Drinking shiurim means drinking less than the measure of liquid for which a person is liable to receive the punishment of karet for consuming on Yom Kippur – a “melo lugmav”- a cheek-full (not a mouthful). While it is still prohibited, drinking this smaller amount does not carry the same severity of punishment. Therefore, when necessary and appropriate, there are instances where the poskim suggest drinking less than a shiur at a time instead of drinking normally. 

This quantity will vary from person to person. For an average person it is approximately 1.3 oz.; some plastic “lechayim” cups hold precisely this shiur. Alternatively, one can use a baby bottle (or the like) to measure the correct volume.  

To be considered as eating “less than a shiur” one needs to pause for a short period between consuming each volume of liquid. There is a difference of opinion as to the length of the interval necessary between drinking each shiur. Some say that it should be nine minutes; others say six, four, or two minutes. Others hold that “kedey shetiyat revi’it” – the time it takes to drink a revi’it, which is not more than four or five seconds – is enough of an interval (see, Yabia Omer, OC, 2:31). When advised to drink shiurim, a person should drink less than 1.3 oz. at a time, at an interval of at least five seconds is sufficient according to Hacham Ovadia, or up to nine minutes, only if this will not compromise their health. 

To answer Ralph’s and Sandra’s question, when permitted to drink on Yom Kippur, there is also no obligation to opt for artificial nutrition or hydration instead (Hazon Ovadia, p. 298, see, however, notes in Ohr Lezion 4:15:5).  

Some are fearful of eating or drinking on Yom Kippur due to the severity of the fast. However, they should be assured that the same Gd who commanded the healthy to fast, also commanded the seriously ill to eat. In fact, it is a mitzva for them to eat and no atonement is necessary.  

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a worldwide expert, lecturer, and writer on Medical Halacha, and is the head of the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is entitled “Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome.” To contact Rabbi Finchas or to receive a booklet on the Laws of Yom Kippur, email rabbi@torathabayit.com. 

Vivian Darwish 

This past summer, PROPEL had the privilege of hosting some incredibly impactful events.  

The Marriage Box 

PROPEL kicked off the summer with an up-close- conversation with Corie Adjmi, author of The Marriage Box. With women of all ages attending the event, interesting discussions ensued about Corie’s journey to become an author and aspects of her book. Special thanks to Adele and Eli Yedid for generously hosting the event. 

Boutique Show 

PROPEL’s next event this summer was the annual boutique show, PROPEL MARKETPLACE, a 32-vendor supported marketplace of community women entrepreneurs selling jewelry, athletic wear, household products, clothing for children and adults, beauty products, and so much more, at the DSN Beach.  

The Victoria Aronow PROPEL List is a free, digitized marketplace of women who sell food or other products, or provide services or have a profession, including the vendors at the Marketplace. Please sign up and create a profile in order to be included in the digital directory. Get Listed! www.thepropellist.org/register/. 

Let’s Talk Design 

The next event brought us back to DSN Beach for the LET’S TALK DESIGN event under the PROPEL Entrepreneurs Division, generously supported by Sharyn and Ezra S. Ashkenazi. A special thank you to Danielle Dabah for opening the program and discussing her career journey as an interior designer, and to our panelists – Jack Ovadia of Ovadia Design Group, Sarit Ovadia of The Finishing Touch, Jeanie Schrem of Kravet Textile Design, and Renee Mizrahi of RM Architecture Design – who each shared their professional journeys. The panel discussion was beautifully moderated by PROPEL’s Board president, Dr. Gayle Krost, and Board member Heleyne Mishan Tamir, to a standing-room-only group of participants. It was an inspiring evening!  

Talk About It Tuesday  

Next on the summer calendar was TALK ABOUT IT TUESDAY for parents, educators, and mental health practitioners under PROPEL’s Paulette Bailey/UJA Mentorship Program. The lessons explored here were invaluable as Dr. Jeff Lichtman, PROPEL’s collaborative partner at Touro University (Touro University Director of Graduate Jewish Special Education), and Minna Hanon Samra, school psychologist at Yeshivah of Flatbush, shared their views on the well-adjusted child, and the school/home partnership. Dr. Lichtman emphasized the importance of teaching children that they can become whatever they want to be, and instilling in them the idea that – a child can grow and make a difference in this world. Special thanks to Ami and Ralph Sasson for generously hosting the event. 

Community Support 

PROPEL greatly appreciates the support of the community members! It is donations from generous community members that help PROPEL fulfill its mission of providing women in our community the opportunity to improve their lives and the lives of their families through education, which leads to greater financial stability. In the words of the Rambam, teaching a person a trade is the highest level of charity. It is these donations that continue to give, as community women continue to earn for many years to come.  

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PROPEL  

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