I would like to say my marriage has been good, but the truth is that it’s been anything but good. My husband is a great guy but he is extremely overbearing. He checks my phone calls and emails and interrogates me about my conversations. I have told him multiple times to stop, but he says we’re married and we are supposed to share everything. My question is, are we supposed to share everything?
R’ Ali’s Response:
There are many facets to this question. It is important to note that this situation is common and applies to both women and men.. I will address the topic first and then get back to your question. I must clarify first that if both husband and wife look through each other’s phone freely and there’s a mutual understanding that this is okay, then, for the most part it is fine. I am addressing this specific scenario where one of the two is not pleased with this behavior.
The famous Rabbi Shimon Gruen’s recipe for a strong healthy marriage is called the “mine, yours, and ours” concept. When it comes to decision making in a marriage, things can innocently get confusing and even frustrating. Before marriage, we made our own decisions as to where we go, what we eat, where we live, etc. Once we get married, many of our decisions will affect our spouse indirectly. If they do not like our clothes, for example, then they will be uncomfortable with our choice. If one wants to live in New York and one wants to live in New Jersey, only one party will get what they want. These decisions can be tricky and can be the source of much frustration. So, whose decision is it? People will come into a marriage with different ideas and philosophies of “who calls the shots,” based on upbringing or ideas they have heard.
First, there is the “mine” area. That is the area that directly affects you. Those are the decisions that usually make up who you are as an individual – what clothes you wear, what foods you eat, who your friends are, etc. These decisions belong to you alone. Your spouse should not be dictating how you operate. Of course, each spouse’s decisions and behaviors should be in the realm of what is considered acceptable and normal. To wear a clown suit all day is abnormal and your spouse has a right to tell you that this is unacceptable. It does get tricky, so as a rule of
thumb I tell people in order to determine what is normal is usually something that is a matter of preference. To be clear, this “mine” concept is a healthy way of living, to be your natural self so long as you are not harming anyone else.
The next part is the “yours,” which is the exact opposite of the “mine.” This is allowing your spouse to make decisions that pertain directly to themselves.
The third part is the “ours.” This is a shared area that pertains directly to both parties – where to live, where to send the kids to school, having children, etc.
In this area, both husband and wife have a say and should equally be involved in these decisions. This entire concept may sound mechanical and even confusing, but it is at the core of much marital friction.
There is another element to the “mine” and “yours” and that is privacy. Many people have a hard time with this, but each spouse is entitled to a certain amount of privacy. Not every conversation with everyone must or even should be shared. This does not mean we should hide things from our spouse. It means that everyone has a right to a certain amount of privacy. This does get tricky and is advisable to consult a professional with any questions.
Getting back to your questions, cell phones belong to their owners. There are many private conversations with family members or friends that are not meant for anyone else’s ears or eyes. A wife will hear from her sister that she is pregnant and should not tell anyone. A husband who sees this conversation without permission is breaching her privacy. In short, everyone should respect their spouse’s request not to look through their phone. If you have any questions, just ask! Communication is healthier than snooping around. If you have a specific situation that needs resolving, consult with your rabbi or a professional.
Shutting your smartphone for allotted time periods to be totally present for your children will reap enormous benefits.
It will increase their emotional intelligence (EQ) and give them valuable lifelong tools to navigate challenges and relationships. Being emotionally intelligent is key to how one reacts to life’s challenges. Unplugging from your phone will help your kids feel that they are important to you and will help them to develop resilience. And it’s good for you, too.
When You Turn Your Attention to Your Phone
I am blessed to live in Brooklyn Heights, right next to the Promenade, which affords a breathtaking view of the Lower Manhattan skyline and New York Harbor.
Many young families live in this section of brownstone Brooklyn. When I walk my dog, Davy, I see many parents and nannies pushing strollers with infants and toddlers.
It is rare when a parent or nanny is not looking at his/her phone while pushing the stroller. There are times that we need to check our phones. I am guilty of stopping in the middle of the block to check my phone and having pedestrians “excuse me” their way past me.
What do you think is the impact on the child whose parent or nanny is constantly looking at her phone? We have all seen kids trying to get their mom’s attention while the mom was scrolling.
Even my dog gets into trouble when I stop to check my phone for a text or to send a quick email. Inevitably, another dog walks by and Davy pounces or growls.
Might Davy be trying to remind me that this is our special time together and I need to be present? I now make a concerted effort to keep my phone in my pocket.
If we are engrossed with our phone screens, it means we are not engaging with the others we are with.
What is the impact of parental or caregiver phone use on the children? What is the cost of those missed opportunities when we could be connecting with our children? And what is happening at home regarding phone usage in the children’s presence?
First, let’s address the babies.
Why Talking to Your Baby Matters
According to the Essex Child and Family Wellbeing Service, child’s first 1,001 days (from conception to the age of two) are crucial in developing attachment, physical development, communication, and early language. Children need to be experimenting with sounds, babbling, making noises, learning vocabulary, and communicating from as early an age as possible.
This is why we need to talk to our babies while they are out in their strollers and at home. In the first 10 to 12 months, babies enjoy being talked to, move their heads and smile, and move their arms and legs in response. Babies listen when you sing songs and start to understand when you use their name. It is never too early to start reading books to encourage vocabulary building.
Raising Children in the Digital Age
According to the Center for Fathers and Children in Sacramento, California, “When it comes to raising children in the digital age, one of the worst things a parent can do is give their kid a smartphone and hope for the best. Turns out, same goes for the grownups.”
That’s right! We talk about the negative impact of screen time and too much access to social media for our kids but are we as parents being appropriate role models?
Robin Nabi, a professor of communications at UC Santa Barbara, headed up a study of parents to observe how different forms of media impacts the emotional intelligence of their kids. The results of her study indicated that the EQ of children can be negatively affected by their parents’ use of smartphones. It’s the very familiar scene that I see on the promenade of a caregiver absorbed with a smartphone screen and their little charge is seeking attention.
Let’s define emotional intelligence or EQ. It is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage both our emotions and the emotions of others. EQ’s key components are self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and relationship management.
Research shows that kids with high EQ are likely to have better academic performance, stronger relationships, and enhanced mental health. EQ provides the tools for children to handle stress, solve problems, resolve differences and arguments, and make healthy choices. A solid connection also exists between EQ skills in kids and decreased depression, anxiety levels, and aggression.
Nabi concluded that children respond to their parents. It does not matter what the content is that the mom or dad is viewing on their phones. To the child having a parent looking at their phone translates to a lack of responsiveness to them.
Her research found that parental phone use is associated with “still face.” This expressionless appearance is frequently taken for depression, which can adversely affect children’s development of emotional skills.
Advice to Parents Based on Research
Nabi’s advice to parents is to be more mindful about phone use around children. “Where their eyes are sends a message to their children about what’s important.”
Dona Matthews, PhD. Is a developmental psychologist and author living in Toronto. She describes the findings of five research studies to support her views on parental phone use – parents on devices distress children and reduce their resilience.
These studies highlight the harm parents can cause when they focus on their phones. Although they may be physically present, they are distracted and less responsive to their kids.
Study #1: Moms on cellphones have children who are more negative and are less resilient.
Study #2: Children feel unimportant and feel they need to compete with smartphones for their parents’ attention.
Study #3: Distracted parental attention harms children’s social/emotional development.
Study #4: Cellphone use interferes with healthy parenting. Study #5: When parents use cellphones kids feel sad, mad, angry, and lonely.
Why Is It So Important for Children To Develop Resilience?
Think about how we as parents/caregivers coped during the pandemic. Our ability to be resilient enabled us to function and take care of ourselves and our loved ones in the new normal. The same is true of Israelis and Jews in response to the atrocities of October 7th and the ensuing war and surge in anti-Semitism. We continue to use our Jewish mindset and practice values of optimism, faith, hope, and positivity. Most importantly, we try to exercise resilience.
After October 7th, Jewish resilience meant the creation of a new normal. Resilience requires not only perseverance but also the ability to adapt to adverse events.
Developing resilience for a child means helping them to deal with life and cultivate the tools and skills they need to manage challenges as they grow up. Resilience will let them stick things out and not give up in the face of adversity or failure.
What Can Parents Do?
School principals and parents concentrate on banning or limiting children’s phone use. Therapists also recommend they address other spaces where phone use/overuse occurs. Dr. Katie Hurley, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, author, and speaker shared what she hears from her teenage clients about their parents’ phone use. They say that their
parents consistently criticize their children’s phone use but do not curb their own use. “Hypocrisy aside, teens tell me that it’s frustrating when their parents can’t give them their focus. Frustrated with their parents over their lack of attention, teens curb negative emotions by watching videos on social media.”
Parents frequently have the same complaint, that their kids are glued to their phones and do not react when they try to engage them. They also turn to their own phones when rejected by their children. Both parents and kids get stuck in an endless loop of fractured communication and hurt feelings because technology steals focus.
Dr. Hurley’s solution involves getting the families to look at the problem from both sides and see how technology is stealing opportunities for quality time and positive interactions.
Both parents and children need to adjust their technology habits to restore trust and positive communication. She emphasizes that it is our parental responsibility to be a good role model for our children.
By prioritizing engaging with each other and having fun together, families can curb tech overuse in a positive way.
Curb & Compromise
Below are some of Dr. Hurley’s suggestions to restore positive and meaningful family conversations without throwing our phones away.
Establish technology family guidelines together. Even though the rules may vary by age, it is important to explain the differences to your children. One example is no phones at the dinner table.
· Devise systems that easily allow us to decrease our phone use. One idea is to provide a storage basket or central charging station when phones are not to be used.
· Practice active listening skills together. Maintain eye contact while you talk to each other, ask follow-up questions, and reflect on what you heard.
· Create working communication systems. There are exceptions. Parents may have to deal with work issues, for example, a journalist with a deadline or a doctor on call, and kids may get a notification from school. Make a follow-up plan to continue the conversation and be clear when you set boundaries around work.
· Schedule activities your family enjoys doing together that do not involve technology.
Much of our children’s understanding of healthy relationships is built upon the interactions they observe between us and the people around us. Whether it’s how we relate to neighbors, friends, or distant and close family members, our actions shape their perceptions of how to navigate complex social dynamics. Before we can even attempt to instruct our children on handling disappointment, respecting others, accepting authority, and practicing kindness, we must first embody these qualities ourselves.
As none of us lives in isolation, we inevitably encounter conflict, providing our children with priceless opportunities to observe our responses. For me it’s important that my children learn two things from watching:
1. How to accept life’s challenges and…
2. How to recognize the inherent worth of both themselves and others, even in the midst of adversity.
If I succeed in modeling this, I am paving a path for respectful and compassionate behavior.
Teaching by Example
When we model these behaviors, we teach our children that it’s okay to feel disappointment, anger, or frustration, but it’s not okay to lash out or resort to hurtful words or actions. We show them that it’s possible to express our feelings in a constructive way, to seek understanding, and to work towards finding a solution. We teach them the importance of empathy, of putting ourselves in another person’s shoes, and considering someone else’s perspective. From watching us do all this, our children learn the value of forgiveness, acknowledging our frustration in a healthy way, and of letting go of resentment and moving forward.
Often parents wonder why their children are act aggressively, not realizing that they themselves are doing the same thing with adults in their lives. Whatever character trait you see in your child, you would be wise to ask yourself if your child is growing up watching you act with dignity. If not, it is never too late to start fresh.
By modeling healthy behaviors, we create a safe and supportive environment where our children can learn and grow. We help them develop the social and emotional skills they need to build
strong, healthy relationships. And we instill in them a sense of compassion and empathy that will benefit them throughout their lives. If you want your child to be kinder, BE KINDER. If you want your child to be more accepting of challenges, BE more accepting of challenges. You get the point.
Scenario with the Neighbor
Imagine that your neighbor keeps on playing loud music late at night, disturbing your sleep.
If your children observe you engaging in a disrespectful response, they would see you blasting your own music even louder in retaliation, or yelling across the fence, expressing your annoyance in a hostile manner. This approach is likely to escalate the situation and damage your relationship with your neighbor.
If your children observe you engaging in a kind and boundary-setting response, they would watch you approaching your neighbor calmly and politely, explaining how the late-night noise is affecting your sleep. You could say something like, “Hi Sara, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I’m having trouble sleeping because of the late-night noise. I was wondering if we could come up with a way to compromise, maybe by turning down the volume after a certain time?”
This approach demonstrates respect for your neighbor while assertively stating your needs. It opens the door for a constructive conversation with the neighbor and a potential solution that works for both of you.
So, the next time you’re faced with a challenging situation, remember that your children are watching. Model the behavior you want them to emulate. Show them how to handle conflict with grace and dignity. Teach them the importance of kindness, respect, and understanding. By doing so, you’ll be giving them the greatest gift of all: the ability to build strong and healthy relationships.
This month, I thought it would be helpful if I asked around for tips on traveling with children. Normally when I introduce a topic, I include the names of the community members who have contributed their ideas or thoughts. However, this time I got a bunch of small tips from a lot of people. So, I didn’t list everyone by name, but instead I organized all the suggestions into helpful categories. Enjoy!
You’re about to spend a ton of hard-earned cash on a trip for your family. Here are some tips to hopefully help things go smoothly.
Ziplock Bags and/or Packing Cubes
When it comes to traveling with a number of children for a longer trip, planning ahead of time and using a simple tool like zip-top bags can make all the difference. For each child, prepare appropriate-sized Ziplock bags with each outfit for each day, and label with a marker what the outfits are intended for to save time once you get to your destination.
For example, prepare a Ziplock bag labeled “Sarah: Monday, Daytime.” In your Ziplock have everything your child might need to wear that day, like a beach dress and bathing suit. Also make an additional bag for nighttime activities. I labeled mine Sarah: Monday, Night.
Pack all toiletries in zip-top bags to avoid spilling mishaps. If Ziplock bags aren’t your thing, you can get packing cubes, either plain ones or even ones that come marked with the days of the week! This is a great option because they are reusable. To be super-efficient, get each family member their own color packing cube so it’s simple to tell the difference!
Bring Cheap Toys
When traveling with young children, it is extremely important to pack quiet toys that will keep them busy on a long flight. Head to a dollar store and pick up a few things you think might hold their attention.
You may be thinking, “I already have great toys.” That’s exactly the point. Leave your great toys at home. The things that you bring with you on your trip should be things you’d be comfortable with losing. Also, since the toys are new to the child they will most likely keep them busy longer.
You have enough to worry about with your kids. You don’t need to be babysitting toys.
Some ideas for travel toys are drawing tablets, the kind that cost $5 on Amazon, or about $8 for a two-pack. Their sole purpose is to doodle and erase. They’re zero mess. Just make sure to get one that has a tether so the pen can’t get lost! Playdough with a couple of molds can keep a kiddo busy for a while. Also, don’t forget to pack headphones!
Bring Medication
Tylenol or Motrin is important to bring with you on a flight/trip with young children. You never know whose ears will be sensitive to air pressure changes. FeverAll contains Acetaminophen, the same kind of pain reliever and fever reducer as in Tylenol, but it comes in suppository form. So this could be another option for babies who refuse liquid medicine, especially when you’re not looking for a fight on a plane. They are safe for babies and toddlers. Suppositories really come in handy as they are dry and small, ideal for carry-on purposes, and they work faster than liquid. These are also key to avoiding a red sticky mess. FeverAll is sold over-the-counter and can be found in most pharmacies next to the children’s pain relievers. In general, FeverAll is a great option for young children who are disgusted by the taste of medicine.
What to Pack in Your Carry-On
When traveling with a child under the age of one, it’s safest to pack changes of clothing in your carry-on. You should pack a couple of outfits for your child and one for yourself in case an accident happens on you as well.
Pack double the amount of diapers in your carry-on that you think you need for the flight. You never know if your flight will be delayed or how long it will take to check in and your carry-on may be your only baggage for a while. When it comes to baby wipes, pack one package in your carry-on and one in your checked baggage. Any additional wipes you need should be purchased at your destination. Wipes can add extra weight your luggage may not be able to afford.
Even if all of your children have aged out of diapers, pack a few wet wipes in a Ziplock bag to bring on a flight to clean hands and faces.
Snacks, Spill-Proof Cups, and FOOD Are a Must
A variety of healthy snacks should be packed in your carry-on for your children. Try to start off with savory options like pretzels, chips, fruits, and veggies. Only break out the sweets in case of behavioral emergencies or towards the end of the flight. No one wants a hyperactive child on a crowded flight. However, it’s good to know that lollipops can help with popping ears with cabin pressure changes, so you may want to pack a few. If your kids are old enough, gum can help with popping ears, too.
Something cool you can find on Amazon or at Target is mini-tackle boxes you can use for snacks. This was a social media trend that exploded because of its simple brilliance. It’s a flat container with multiple compartments so you can pack a good variety of snacks that will also help kids stay busy and satisfied on long flights. Best part: hand it over to your kids once and you’re done! They won’t have to bother you for snacks every few minutes.
Additionally, for children four and under, an empty spill-proof cup should be packed. When the flight attendant hands out beverages, you can pour whatever juice of choice into a spill proof cup and not have to think about it or assist the child further.
Also, I’m sure everyone knows this by now but just in case – BRING FOOD. Lots of real food. Travel days are stressful enough. Don’t add finding kosher food on the go to the list of things to stress about. Sandwiches, extra pita, butter noodles, mini pizzas, deli, cut veggies, hard boiled eggs, and all the portable food you can think of. More is more – you never know if a flight will be delayed. Be prepared!
Pack Blankets
Another must-pack item for your carry-on is a small blanket for each child – something comfortable enough to help the child sleep. A sleeping child is the most ideal when on a flight. Don’t forget pacifiers for babies who need them! Even taking the extra step of ordering child-size eye masks (the comfortable kind that have an indentation where the eyes go) can really save you from the unpredictable lights turning on. Pack one for yourself as well, why not! If the kids are busy enough with all this good stuff you’re packing they may let you snooze!
Additionally, a small stuffed animal can be brought to act as a pillow. Again, nothing sentimental that you wouldn’t want lost or ruined.
iPad or Portable DVD Player
For long flights or for children whose attention aren’t held by toys, bringing some portable electronic entertainment is a must. Make sure to charge devices in advance, pack chargers in your carry-on, and again, pack headphones! Bring headphones with wires so you can plug them into the monitor on the plane if it has one. They usually do! But in case they don’t, you’ll have the DVD player or tablet!
Additionally, you may not have Wi-Fi on the flight, so prepare in advance. Download age-appropriate games and some streaming apps like Netflix that have off-line options. Make sure to have that set up ahead of time for quick and easy on-board streaming.
Make a Spreadsheet
When packing for a whole family for a trip, especially if there are a number of children and especially when you have different events to pack for, it’s so important to stay organized. Google Sheets is completely free, and you can make yourself a detailed spreadsheet. Include the different days and events, what each adult or child needs, by name, and check it off first once you buy the
items in one column and check it off again in a different column once it’s packed. Example: Sunday, beach party, Sarah, bathing suit, dress, fancy sandals, bow.
Guys, this was so fun and actually helpful (to me) so I really hope it’s helpful for you too! A personal tip from me to you is to be sure to make LISTS – the portable kind. Write on your phone whenever you think of a small detail that you think you may forget. Don’t leave it to chance. Write it down and check that list when you’re packing! Don’t check it off until it is packed! Examples of things you could easily forget to pack: Siddur, puddle jumpers, brushes, your favorite hair conditioner… This list is going to be different for everyone! I wish you best of luck in your travels – safe, fun, and successful!
Frieda Schweky
Frieda is an event and portrait photographer. Check Frieda out on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto For photography inquiries or article topic suggestions email her friedaschweky@gmail.com.
Mix 2 tablespoons of sugar, dry yeast, and the lukewarm milk together in mixing bowl. Let sit to make sure it bubbles.
Sift the flour and mix it with 2 tablespoons of sugar, salt, cinnamon, 2 egg yolks, and the yeast mixture (from Step 1).
Knead the dough until it forms a ball. Add butter. Knead some more, until the butter is fully absorbed.
Cover with a towel. Let rise overnight in refrigerator.
Use rolling pin to roll out the dough to a thickness of ⅛ inch.
Cut the dough into 24 rounds with a juice glass (or a 2-inch cookie cutter).
Place ½ teaspoon of strawberry jam onto the center of a round. Cover it with a second round. Repeat with remaining rounds. You will have 12 filled doughnuts. Press the edges together and allow to rise again in a warm place for about 30 minutes.
**Ask an adult to help you with this part of the recipe. ** In the deep fryer, heat 2 inches of oil to about 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Carefully slip the doughnuts into the hot oil, about 4 at a time. Fry for a few minutes until brown on one side. Turn to brown on the other side. Use tongs to remove doughnuts from oil. Place on paper towels to absorb any extra oil.
Dust with powdered sugar when cool.
Makes 12 Doughnuts!
Buzz the Brachos Bee
When dough is cooked in liquid, the custom is to say the berachah of mezonot rather than hamotzi. That is why we recite mezonot on doughnuts that are deep fried in oil.
Chef Shiri Says…
Yeast has to be fresh to bake good doughnuts. You can test the yeast by mixing it with water, and a little sugar. Then wait 5 minutes to see if the yeast begins making bubbles. If few or no bubbles show, it is old yeast and should not be used.
Grand Opening of Dome Home Care DME Retail Store: A New Era in Home Healthcare
By Pnina Souid
David Chait and Dov Berkowitz are thrilled to announce the grand opening of Dome Home Care DME Retail Store, a new destination for durable medical equipment (DME) in our community.
Dome Home Care Retail Store is dedicated to providing high-quality medical equipment and supplies to enhance the quality of life for individuals with varying healthcare needs. The product range includes mobility aids, respiratory equipment, enteral feeding (tube feeding, for patients who cannot chew or swallow) aids, and much more. All designed to support patients and caregivers in their journey toward better health.
For over 20 years they serviced the community specifically for respiratory care and care for Ventilator and Trach dependent patients. In addition, they have serviced patients requiring nebulization, oxygen, BiPAP, and CPAP for diagnosing sleep apnea.
They also carry a full line of traditional durable medical equipment including hospital beds, specialty mattresses, wheelchairs, cushions, walkers, rollators, canes, and crutches, as well as bathroom aids and safety.
At Dome Home Care, they understand that navigating the world of medical equipment can be challenging and overwhelming. Their experienced and knowledgeable staff is committed to guiding customers through the selection process to ensure they find the right products that meet their unique needs.
For more information, please contact the Dome Home Care DME retail store at 718-854-5500.
Flatbush Shomrim and NYPD and Arrest Two Suspects for Vehicle Break-Ins, Theft, and Identity Fraud
Thanks to the swift actions of Flatbush Shomrim and officers from the NYPD’s 63rd Precinct, two suspects were apprehended at Avenue R and East 31st Street last month. The arrests followed a spree of vehicle break-ins, scooter thefts, and identity theft, including the grand larceny of a $1,200 wallet.
The incident began when Flatbush Shomrim received a report of two individuals matching the suspects’ descriptions on scooters near Quentin Road and Burnett Street in Marine Park. Witnesses described the suspects going from car to car, breaking into multiple vehicles. Shomrim volunteers responded and managed to track the suspects, eventually spotting them at Avenue P and East 31st Street. The suspects had reportedly stolen a scooter and continued to break into vehicles along the way.
Upon confrontation, one of the suspects attempted to flee but was quickly apprehended with the assistance of both Shomrim and NYPD officers. During the arrest, an NYPD sergeant sustained an injury while taking down one of the suspects. Flatbush Hatzalah provided immediate on-site medical assistance to the injured officer.
Further investigation revealed that the suspects were in possession of stolen items, including a wallet with credit cards, a driver’s license, and other forms of identification taken from one of the vehicles, leading to additional charges for identity theft. The suspects were taken to the 63rd Precinct for processing.
Flatbush Shomrim reminds residents to always lock their vehicles and secure their belongings, including valuable items like bikes and scooters, to deter theft and ensure community safety.
Magen David Yeshivah Offers College Guidance
MDY’s Class of ’25 had a special college visit last month from Yeshiva University. In attendance were Mrs. Elaine Frankel, YU’s esteemed Assistant Director of Admissions, and Dean Noam Wasserman, the distinguished Dean of the Sy Syms School of Business at YU. They lead an informative and interactive session with the seniors. MDY students were introduced to the educational schools at YU, including Yeshiva College, Stern College for Women, Sy Syms School of Business, and The Mordecai and Monique Katz Associate Degree Programs. Additionally, students learned about the S. Daniel Abraham Israel Program, where students are enrolled at YU while learning in Israel.
We are supposed to feel that we are not entitled to anything in this world; everything we have is a totally undeserved gift given to us by Hashem.
One may ask, “If a father brings a child into the world, isn’t he obligated to provide the basic necessities for that child; food, clothing, a place to live? Shouldn’t Hashem be obligated to give us, all of His children, our needs as well, needs that include a home, a job, a spouse, and children? Why don’t we deserve to have all of our needs taken care of?”
Rabbi Lugassi explains that there is a very big difference between these two scenarios. When a father brings a child into this world, he wants the child to be as comfortable as possible in this world and therefore he feels obligated to do what he can to ensure that. Hashem, however, created us for a much more profound purpose. This World is just a stepping-stone to the real world, to eternal life.
Man is given a brief, finite length of time here – 70 or 80 years, we hope 120 – to do a task and accomplish what he needs to accomplish. Each person’s task is different. Hashem provides each individual with his or her exact needs to fulfill his or her purpose. For some, it is getting married young. For others, it is getting married at an older age. For some, it is having children. For others, it is not having children.
A person might ask, “Why do I have it so hard? Why do I not have more money? Why do I have so many health problems? Why is Hashem withholding so much good from me?” These would all be valid questions since our purpose was for achievement for This World. Yet, who knows better than Hashem what we really need to be successful and happy for eternity?
Each person’s life is planned out carefully, beginning with which family one is born into and the types of parents one has. Some parents spoil their children, others hold back from their children. People say, “It’s not fair, I have the meanest parents!” It is fair, it was planned like that. That is exactly what your soul needs. A person’s siblings are also Heaven-ordained. The people around him, his friends, his neighbors, are all part of Hashem’s plan for him.
Some people are not happy with the way they look. There are no accidents. Hashem made every feature of every person’s body exactly the way it needs to be. The color of a person’s eyes, one’s complexion, one’s height, the shape of one’s nose, the size of one’s ears – all were calculated.
People who have shalom bayit problems often argue about petty issues: “Why can’t our house be more orderly?” “Why is she spending so much money?” Why can’t he be neater?” Why is he so tight with money?” The root of their problems is not really the petty issues. If one would believe in perfect faith that Hashem arranged one’s marriage and gave one the spouse he needs to fulfill one’s mission in This World, one would overlook more: “S/he is the other half of my soul, and we need each other to accomplish our goal in This World. Obstacles are just tools for growth. We will work it out, we will get through it.”
The more we can trust that Hashem knows what we need better than we do, and that He provides us with the exact lives we need to do our jobs properly, the better our performance will become and the happier our lives will be.
Little Yitzi was walking home from school in Jerusalem when he came across a police officer who had a dog in the back of his van – a K-9 unit.
“Is that a dog back there?” Yitzi asked the police officer.
“It sure is,” the police officer replied. Puzzled, Yitzi looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van.
Finally Yitzi asked, “What did it do?”
Alan B.
It’s All in the Delivery
A guy walks into a resort in the Catskills for the first time – one of those famous Borscht Belt places. Some of the old-time comics are sitting around telling jokes. One of them says, “Seventeen,” and the other old timers all roar with laughter. A little later, another guy says, “Thirty-two,” and again, they all laugh and holler.
Well, the new guy can’t figure out what’s going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him, “What’re these old-timers doing?” The local says, “Well, they’ve been hanging around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talking they’ve given all the jokes numbers.”
The new fellow says, “That’s clever! I think I’ll try that.”
So, he stands up and says in a loud voice, “Nineteen!”
There was complete silence.
Everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow, “What happened? Why didn’t anyone laugh?” The local says, “Well, son, you just didn’t tell it right.”
Victor G.
Slap Shot
Eighty-five-year-old Selma Feinstein went on a blind date with 90-year-old Morris Sapirman. When Selma returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.
“What happened, Ma?” Selma’s daughter asked.
“I had to slap Morris’s face three times!”
“Oh my goodness! Was he that rude?”
“No,” Selma answered, “I thought he was dead.”
Victoria P.
Say What?
Mr. Goldman was sitting with his granddaughter Rachel on his lap, telling her a story, when his hearing aid started to beep.
Surprised, little Rachel looked up at him and said, “Oh, Zadie, you just got an e-mail!”
Sonny C.
The Main Principal
The principal at Kind David High School, Rabbi Epstein was speaking to his vocal parent body at a meeting that they had requested. Rabbi Epstein assured them that he was always happy to hear from them about any problems they may have. He told them, “You can call me day or night, at this number…”
Suddenly there was a cry from the Assistant Principal. “Hey,” he exclaimed, “that’s MY number!”
Elissa M.
Leftovers
Jacob and John are walking to work one day and Jacob is describing his new gadget that he received as a present. “Where did you get that?” John asked. “I got it last night for Hanukah,” said Jacob.
“What’s Hanukah?” John asked.
“It’s a Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights while we celebrate the festival of lights.”
“Wow, I wish we got that!” John exclaimed.
The next day at the office, John runs up to Jacob, curious to see what he got. He sees that Jacob is disappointed. “What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?” asks John.
Jacob holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper and replies, “It was leftovers night!”
Moe L.
Smile!
Four-year-old Mikey came screaming out of the bathroom to tell his father that he dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So, Mikey’s father fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Mikey stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to his father’s bathroom and came out with his toothbrush.
Mikey held it up and said with a charming little smile, “Abba, we better throw this one out too then, because it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
Marlene H.
Hanukah Punnies
Q: Which hand is best to light the menorah with?
A: Neither, it’s best to light it with a candle!
Q: Why did the dreidel go to the doctor?
A: It kept getting dizzy spells!
Q: What do you call a speck that falls into the latke pan?
A: An unidentified frying object!
Matchmaker in Miami
As usual, Miami Beach was packed with tourists when all of a sudden the water turned black and murky, and a hideous sea monster came out. It was standing there, drooling, dripping sea weed, looming over everyone and screaming.
All of the people were understandably petrified, screamed, and ran away. Except for one little old Jewish lady. She got closer and closer and closer and closer to the monster, looked up at him over her glasses and exclaimed, “Oy! Have I got a girl for you!”
Frieda D.
Sick as a Dog
Little Moishie’s dog Benji was sick and the boy was afraid that his dad would come back from the vet with bad news.
As his dad stepped through the door with Benji in his carrier, Moishie rushed to find out what the vet had said.
“I’m afraid it’s not good news, son,” said his father. “The vet thinks Benji’s only got another three weeks or so to live.”
Hearing this, Moishie burst into tears.
“But Benji wouldn’t want you to be sad,” said the father, putting a comforting arm around Moishie’s shoulder. “He’d want you to remember all the good times you had together.”
Moishie rubbed his eyes. “Can we give Benji a funeral?”
“Sure we can,” said his father.
“Can I invite all my friends?”
“Of course you can.”
“And, can we have cake and ice cream?”
“Sure, you can have whatever you want.”
“Dad,” said Moishie, “can we kill Benji today?”
Morris A.
Social Engineering
Four Israeli soldiers who all happened to be different types of engineers were riding in their jeep doing a patrol. There was a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer.
Suddenly, their jeep broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, “Sounds to me like the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again.”
The chemical engineer begged to differ. “It sounds to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“Well, I think it might be a grounding problem,” said the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
Having offered their opinions, the three turned to the computer engineer who was strangely silent on the matter. “What do you think?” they asked.
“Hmmm,” said the computer engineer. “Perhaps, we should all get out of the jeep and get back in again?”
Carl W.
The number 8,549,176,320 is a unique number. What is so special about it?
Last Month’s Riddle: Wrong Room
Mr. Green is sitting in his hotel room when there is a knock at the door. He opened the door to see an elderly man whom he had never seen before. The elderly man said, “Oh I’m sorry. I have made a mistake. I thought this was my room.” He then went down the corridor and in the elevator. Mr. Green went back into his room and phoned security. What made Mr. Green so suspicious of the elderly man?
Solution: You don’t knock on your own hotel room door!
Solved by: Daniel Chemtob, Eli Bareket, Mary G., Big Mike, Eli Nuseiri, Martin Sutton, The Dwek Family, and The Shmulster.
JUNIOR RIDDLE: Escape Plan
Submitted by: Jordan A.
A man is trapped in a room with only two possible exits. Through the first door is a room with an enormous magnifying glass causing the blazing hot sun to instantly burn anything that enters. Through the second door there is a fire-breathing dragon. How does the man escape?
Last Month’s Junior Riddle: The Missing Sister
There are five sisters. One is reading a book, another is cooking, another is playing chess, and another is doing laundry. What is the fifth sister doing?
Solution: She is playing chess with her sister!
Solved by: Paulette Kameo, Natlie Cohen, Barbara Batya Beyda, Eli Bareket, Fortune Azrak, Family Blum, The Shmulster, and the Big Cheese.
“Why special education? I minored in education and took an assessment that pointed me towards special education. I thrive when I help identify children’s strengths. Some children need time to grown into themselves and foster their strong points.” – Shelly Salem
Please meet Rachelle (Shelly) Shammah Salem, a compassionate, wise, and poised woman, who as a bilingual special education instructor (English and Spanish) and child therapist, and has helped many students to find their unique spark.
Shelly is particularly articulate and it is clear that she has a special enthusiasm for teaching children.
Growing Up
Shelly was born in the Bay Parkway section of Brooklyn, to Vicky and Joseph Matalon. Her father came to the America from Aleppo, Syria, as a teenager and her Sephardic mom emigrated from Haiti at age three. Joseph worked at Prudential, and was one of the first insurance brokers in the Syrian community. He loved reading the Zohar and going to synagogue.
When Shelly was six, her family moved to Ocean Parkway. One of six children, Shelly had two older brothers, Marvin and Lee, an older sister Joanie, and two younger brothers David and Jackie. Unfortunately, her brother Marvin passed away. Shelly remains close with her other siblings.
Shelly was a quiet child, and was very well-liked by her classmates.
An excellent student, she sat in the first seat of the first row of PS 215 on Avenue S. Shelly skipped a year in junior high (Boody) by achieving “SP” and graduated from Abraham Lincoln High School at sixteen.
Post High School
Shelly then attended a two-year fashion merchandising and communication program at FIT. Shelly finished the two-year degree when she was eighteen. At the time, FIT did not have a four-year college curriculum.
Shelly majored in English and had a minor in education. After college graduation, she worked as a copywriter for CBS.
Shelly’s parents were her greatest role models. “I got my spiritual side from my dad, and my love of learning from my mom.” Shelly is high-energy, exercises regularly, and loves entertaining and being with people.
Her passions define her and who she is at her core. Her fervor in supporting challenged children became her life purpose and proudest accomplishment, second to raising three fabulous children.
And Then Came Marriage…
Shelly was introduced to her first husband, Albert Shammah, a”h, at a friend’s home. Albert was an Israeli citizen and had been a paratrooper in 1956 during the Suez War. He earned a special citation from Moshe Dayan for his service.
Albert started out selling silk ties for his wealthy extended family in Milan, and before long started working in New York, opened letters of credit with China, and quickly climbed the business ladder. He became a business leader.
The couple moved to Scarsdale when their oldest son was four. Their three children, Jeffrey, Joey, and Alyssa all attended yeshiva day schools.
While her children were in school, Shelly pursued a master’s degree in special education and worked with teenage girls at YU High School.
Life in Scarsdale
“Our life in Westchester was a very busy and [we had a] friend-filled life. We prayed at the Young Israel of Scarsdale and were very happy there.”
Unfortunately, tragedy struck when Albert was reading the Torah one Shabbat morning. He forgot the words midstream and was rushed to the hospital. Albert was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor and was given six months to live. With the help of experimental treatments, he lived for another two-and-a-half years.
Albert passed away at 48, when Jeff, Joey, and Alyssa were 16, 13, and 10, respectively. “My one regret is that I didn’t allow my kids to say their goodbyes to their father. I only wanted to protect them from this saddest experience.”
Life as a Single Mom
Work-life balance was challenging for Shelly as a single mother. When Albert passed away, Shelly became an insurance broker, working with her brothers. This job afforded her more flexibility.
Her children were very supportive. Her oldest son, Jeff, gave up his spot at Boston University and enrolled at Baruch College to be closer to his mother and siblings.
After several years as an insurance broker, Shelly returned to her special education position, helping challenged children. She found working with kids much more fulfilling than insurance.
She remained in Scarsdale for six years after Albert passed away. The house felt empty with her sons away at college and business. She considered buying an apartment in the Upper West Side in New York for Alyssa and herself.
“Something about the [the idea of living in a] Manhattan apartment and leaving my daughter home alone when I was out didn’t feel right. I realized I needed to go back to my community. We lived with my brother Lee for a year in Flatbush since his wife had recently passed away. I then rented my own apartment on Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn.”
Special Ed Career Takes Off
In Brooklyn, Shelly pursued her special education career working with many community families and others. She also obtained a specialized degree in bi-lingual special education for English and Spanish. She worked with the Spanish-speaking community and went wherever she was needed.
Shelly achieved immense success with many challenged children.
Before reading the official diagnosis for a particular child, Shelly reviewed the family dynamic at the home, which she considered to be a crucial step to allow her to make her assessment.
Employing fun and toys, Shelly worked to acquire a good read on the child and the family. Once she identified the issues, Shelly worked on enhancing the child’s strengths/skills. She built on and accentuated their assets while teaching them age-appropriate skills. Her teaching method employed play and games.
One of Shelly’s success stories was a four-year-old child who exhibited suicidal behaviors, hiding under the kitchen table with a knife. Shelly determined that this boy’s self-esteem was very low due to his precocious younger sister getting all the parents’ attention. Under Shelly’s care, the boy regained his self-esteem, began to feel special, and was accepted into yeshiva. His father started to exhibit great pride in him.
Other proud accomplishments include calming a three-year-old child with classical music and eliminating his deathly fear of subways. After one train trip with Shelly, he overcame his fear and he even wanted to ride the subway again!
Shelly used basketball as a tool to support another child. He learned to read, write, and be a happy youngster.
Shelly asked her son if she could give this child one of his basketball trophies as a reward for his achievements. Her son willingly consented.
A Second Chance for Love
“After 18 years of being alone, I remember asking Hashem if it was time for me to meet someone special. About three weeks later, a mutual friend introduced me to Eli Salem, a chemical engineer. His love of life and lifestyle enhanced me. We moved to Deal, NJ, and are very happy here. In addition to my husband Eli, my children and grandchildren are my most precious possessions.”
“My son Jeffrey is a compassionate, upbeat, hardworking venture capitalist and has two sons. Joey is thoughtful, a johnny-on-the-spot kind of guy, who started a commercial laundry business. Joey and his lovely, wife Vicki, have three children. Alyssa is married and works at Flatbush Yeshiva High School where she is loved and valued. They have four children. My kids are fun, smart, and very active. I am also blessed with Eli’s wonderful family.
“I am so grateful to have Eli as my partner. He grounds me. Eli is such a religious person and loves being at shul. We often discuss the parasha together.”
Community
“I am so fortunate to be part of the Syrian community where rabbis give of themselves all day and night, where friends and family learn to donate, help, and share life’s happiest and saddest moments. We are truly a compassionate and blessed community.”
Shelly’s volunteer work includes supporting challenged children at Hillel Yeshiva, SBH projects, and leading book clubs. She volunteered at Hillel’s early childhood for many years.
To unwind, Shelly spends time with her children and grandchildren. She enjoys painting, reading, playing bridge and canasta, and simply being with friends.
What’s Next
“I most definitely want to spend more time with Eli, enhance his life and mine simply by being together.”
Career Advice
“Follow your favorite hobbies if you have them and stretch them into professional pursuits. Take courses to strengthen your skills.”
Connect with Shelly at rachellesalem1@gmail.com.
Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).
