A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa and took his small pet dog Fido along for company.
One day, while roaming the African plains, Fido started chasing butterflies, and before long the little beagle realized that he was lost. Wandering about, he suddenly noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
“Uh oh,” the dog thought to himself, “I’m in deep trouble now.” Noticing some bones on the ground nearby, he immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dog loudly exclaimed, “Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here!”
Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in midstride and, overcome by fear, quietly slinked away into the trees. “Whew,” the leopard said. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a pint-sized monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went to speak to the leopard. The dog saw the monkey heading toward the leopard, and figured that something must be up. The monkey quickly caught up with the leopard and, after striking a deal, revealed that the dog had tricked him. The cat, furious at being made to look like a fool, said, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
The dog saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and began thinking, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog decided to sit down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they got close enough to hear, the dog says, “Now where’s that monkey already? I knew shouldn’t trust him.”
Curious about the dog’s remarks, the leopard pauses for a moment and looks at the monkey.
Then the dog continues, “It must have been at least half an hour since I sent him to bring me another leopard!”
After my friend landed a coveted job from DHL, we went out to lunch to
celebrate. At the restaurant he was contacted by the company’s human resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back some forms. “No problem,” he said, “I’ll FedEx them right over!”
The Calming Claims Rep
I admit I was becoming frantic when I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office to report the loss. Thankfully, Cindy, the baggage claim representative, calmed me down.
Smiling warmly, she told me not to worry as she assured me that she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. I was starting to feel relieved when this professional asked me her first question… “So, has your plane arrived yet?”
What Daddy Does
Ruth, a travel agent, took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two to Colorado. When Ruth quoted him $59 per ticket, he wasn’t happy with the price.
“I want the $49 fare I saw advertised,” he insisted, saying that he would accept a flight anytime. After much searching, Ruth finally managed to find two seats on a 6am flight.
“I’ll take it,” he said. But he then expressed his concerns that his wife might not like the early hour.
“Well you’d better tell me for certain,” Ruth warned him. “There is a $25 cancellation fee for each ticket if you change the reservation.”
“Oh, that’s no problem,” he said dismissively. “What’s 50 bucks?”
Jack V. Grazi
The Crazy Cut
Bob walked in to Fred’s Barber Shop one day.
“Hello there,” Fred the barber said as he recognized the repeat customer. “Do you want a trim or a regular cut today?”
“How much for a crazy cut?” Bob replied.
“A crazy cut? What exactly is that?” asked the barber.
Bob answered, “That’s where you cut one inch off of the left side, nothing off of the right side, shave just the middle part of the top of my head, and cut the hair in the back on a slant from left to right.”
Fred the Barber laughed and said, “Yeah, right… I’d do that one for free!”
“Really?” asked Bob. “Because you charged me for it last time I was here.”
First Jump Jitters
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in many exercises with young officers.
Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school. He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation.
“Everything ok, sir?” I asked.
“Yes,” he answered quietly.
“Scared?” I asked.
“No,” he replied, “just a bit apprehensive.”
I asked, “What’s the difference?”
“That means,” he explained slowly, “I’m scared, but with a university education.”
The School Interview
Little Simon was applying to a religious school for third grade. Before being accepted, he had to be interviewed by the principal. “Now, Simon,” the principal asked, “tell me honestly, do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Simon answered, “I don’t have to… my Mom is a very good cook.”
Morris was in need of much dentistry work. At his first appointment to fill one of his root canals, the dentist gave him laughing gas to ease the pain from the drilling. Upon completing the work, the dentist removed the mask, and Morris asked, “When am I going to stop laughing?” The dentist replied, “When you see your bill.”
Know Your Station
Barbara was in Grand Central Station on her way to Connecticut. She had never taken the trip before, and was wondering if she had to switch trains in Stamford. When she reached the ticket booth, she placed her money on the counter and announced her destination. As she received her ticket she asked the ticket agent, “Will I need to change?”
The agent looked up at Barbara and said, “Well, I wasn’t going to say anything but, yes… those shoes really don’t go with that belt.”
Jack V. Grazi
As the judge entered the room, everyone rose to attention. But as the judge sat down, a few people in the courtroom began talking again. Banging his gravel down the Judge bellowed: “Order in the court!”
“Ok,” a reply came back from the corner of the room, “I’ll take pastrami on rye with extra pickles.”