Catching up on Computers
Rachel decided to improve her computer skills to keep up with her kids who were in the hi-tech industry in Israel. She threw herself into the task with enthusiasm, borrowing two or three instructional books from the Tel Aviv library each week.
After about a month, the librarian commented: “Wow! You must be getting really knowledgeable about this stuff.”
“Thanks. What makes you say that?” asked Rachel.
“Well,” said the librarian, “only one of the books you’re taking out this week has “For Dummies” in the title.”
Chaim Yankel Goes Golfing
Chaim Yankel wanted to make business connections in the non-Jewish community, and he was told that he needed to improve his golf game. So, he joined a golf club and started practicing. But feeling self-conscious, he would only golf alone, with no one present except for his caddy.
One day he had a new caddy and Chaim Yankel was playing particularly badly.
“I think I am playing the world’s worst golf game,” he confessed to the caddy.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that, sir,” was the consoling response. “From what the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be worse even than you are.”
“What’s his name?”
The caddy replied, “I think they call him Chaim Yankel.”
Here Kitty, Kitty
Little Rivky Goldstein had been a naughty girl in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by Mrs. Applebaum to remain in her seat after school and remain there until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words.
Rivky completed her task in a surprisingly short space of time and left the room. Mrs. Applebaum picked up the Rivky’s assignment and read it:
“I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, ‘Come, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.’”
Vacationing in Venice
David and Shirah Epstein decided to go on a father and daughter trip to Italy. When they returned, Shirah was giving her mother a rundown of their favorite city, Venice.
“Ah, Venice,” said the mother. “It must have been fantastic. What was your father’s favorite part? The gondolas? The glass makers? The Jewish ghetto?”
“Come on Mom, you should know Dad better than that,” the young lady interrupted. “Dad liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window.”
On One Leg
On the 5th floor at Maimonides Hospital all the patients were not only in bed, but they also had one of their legs suspended in a sling above them. One day, Moishe the consultant, together with some of his staff, was making his rounds on the 5th floor. Moishe stopped at the first bed and pulled and twisted the patient’s suspended leg. The patient screamed in agony. This was repeated along the row of beds, while each patient screamed and yelled during the examination.
Moishe finally reached the last bed. This was occupied by Emanuel. But when Emanuel’s suspended leg was pulled and twisted as was done to all the others, Emanuel remained silent and smiling throughout the procedure.
When Moishe and his entourage left the ward, all the patients congratulated Emanuel on his bravery and fortitude.
But Emanuel responded by telling them, “Brave/shmave – I saw what the consultant was doing to you, so I switched my legs and put my good leg in the sling.”
Who’s the Boss?
An insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the doorbell. The housekeeper opened the door.
“Who are you looking for?” asked the housekeeper.
“I want to see the boss of the house,” replied the insurance agent. “Are you the boss?”
The husband of the house then came to the door. The insurance agent repeated his question.
“I’d like to speak to the boss of the household. I assume that you are the boss?”
“Yea right,” replied the man. “I’m only the husband. Step in, I’ll call the boss.”
The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time a woman appeared.
“So, you want to see the boss” asked the woman. “Well, just step into the kitchen. This way, please. Rachel, a man is here to see you.”
A 13-year-old girl approached.
“Tell me,” pleaded the insurance agent, “are you the boss of the house?”
“You want to see the boss?” asked the girl. “Well, just come with me.”
Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. They walked into a room on the second floor and there was the crib of a sleeping baby.
“There!” exclaimed the girl, “That’s the real boss of this house!”
The Right to an Attorney
Shmulie, Chelm’s local thief, was caught red-handed by a police officer in the very act of burglarizing a store. He was quickly brought to trial.
“How do you plead?” asked the judge.
“Your honor,” answered Shmulie, “before I plead guilty or not guilty, I ask that the court kindly appoint a lawyer to defend me.”
“You were caught in the actual commission of a crime. What could any lawyer possibly say in your defense?” said the judge.
“That’s exactly my point, your honor,” said Shmulie. “I’m curious also to hear what he could possibly say!”
What’s the Band Playing?
Itzik’s Bistro in downtown Tel Aviv is usually full even on Open Mic Wednesdays. One particular Wednesday night, crowded as usual, a band was playing and Shuki and his friend Dudu were sitting near the stage, none too happy. At one point, Shuki pipes up and asks the band leader, “Can you play something by request?”
The bandleader beamed and said, “Of course. Whatever you want.”
“Then,” snapped Shuki, “sit down and play a game of shesh besh (backgammon) so I can finish my meal.”
Rabbi Epstein was giving his Yom Kippur sermon about forgiveness and during his speech he asked his congregation, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
About half held up their hands. He then rephrased his question, “How many of you want to forgive your enemies?” Slowly, every hand in the congregation went up, except for one. Little old Sadie Horowitz.
“Mrs. Horowitz?” inquired the Rabbi, “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies, especially on this Day of Atonement when Gd forgives us all?”
“I don’t have any enemies,” Mrs. Horowitz replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Horowitz, that is more impressive. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Horowitz, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please stand up and in front of this congregation tell us all how a person can live so long and not have an enemy in the world?”
Little old Mrs. Horowitz got up slowly, smiled, faced the congregation, and said, “I outlived all those old yentas.”