Let’s Stop “Fixing” Our Children!


So many parents ask, “How can I fix my child? My child is struggling with behavior in school, behavior at home, being kind and cordial to siblings, being basically irresponsible,” etc.

When people ask, “How can I fix my child?” they need to understand that they are actually asking a very wrong and detrimental question. At the core of a child’s misbehavior or lack of success and low self-esteem is the feeling that people around the child are trying to fix them.  A child is not broken, and if you ask anyone who ever had the experience of people trying to fix him or her, you will see that it came with a lot of hurt. Granted that whatever a person experienced was exactly what they needed for their growth, but moving ahead a parent can always choose to do things in a healthy way. No matter what skill a child needs to learn, we must make it a top priority NEVER to give over the feeling that the child needs to be fixed.

Look at the Essence

In order to be able to relate to anything properly in life, we need to know what the essence of that thing is. For example, if you want to clean a piece of furniture that is made of wood you would use wood polish.  If you are cleaning a metal pot you would scrub it with a piece of steel wool. If you would take a piece of steel wool and try to use it on wood, you would create damage and scratches and perhaps cause the wood to warp. Each object has a specific method of relating to it in order to produce the best results.

When we are relating to children we need to understand what they are. When we do, we would conclude that we should treat human beings with extreme respect. Why is that? What is a human being? What is the basic quality of every child and of adults? We are each a Divine creation. That means each child has a unique and special purpose that no other person in the world can fulfill. Imagine what the world would look like if every person walked around knowing this truth, that the world needs him or her! People would enjoy the feelings of self-worth that would allow them to be their best selves and to make amazing contributions. The good news is that it is actually possible for every person to enjoy a healthy sense of self-esteem.

We All Have Talents to Share

I once had a client who adamantly believed that she had no contributions to make and no special talent. She stayed home a lot and did not do much with the time she had. I often meet people who are unaware of their talents, but I never came across someone who does not have any. This particular woman used to be a very successful teacher but felt that there was no point in teaching anymore because there were so many teachers available. I told her that I was not sure that she was even allowed to waste her talent like that. (She was not busy with any other responsibilities.) She decided that perhaps the world does need her, and got herself a good job again. As she worked and  made new contributions you can just imagine how much better she felt about herself.

When a person realizes what a child is, they stop trying to fix them. They also start to see that they as a parent are also not a broken object. This truthful thinking frees people up to be able to think clearly, enjoy their feelings of self-worth, and make sure to put their gifts to good use.