Rivkah asks Shlomo, “I’m short of some ingredients for the cake I’m baking, so could you please get some things for me from the supermarket?”
“Of course I can, darling,” replies Shlomo. “What do you need?”
“Please get one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six,” replies Rivkah.
Fifteen minutes later, Shlomo returns with six cartons of milk. Rivkah is mystified. “Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?”
“Because they had eggs,” he replies.
Lesson in Forgiveness
Mrs. Epstein, a teacher at Beth Israel Congregation had just concluded her lesson in preparation of Yom Kippur and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She asked her class, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness for transgressing one of the commandments?”
There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small girl spoke up and said, “Transgress one of the commandments.”
Penny for Your Thoughts
One night Alice found her husband Steve standing over their newborn baby’s crib.
Silently, Alice watched him. As Steve stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by his unusual display of deep emotions, Alice felt her eyes grow moist.
She approached her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.
“It’s amazing,” Steve replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $39.95!”
A Real Steal
Morris is not the world’s greatest businessman – he loses money all of the time, but this time it’s not his fault because he was robbed. Henry, his friend, hears about the robbery and goes to visit Morris.
“I’m very sorry to hear about the robbery,” says Henry. “Did you lose much?”
“I lost a few things, but it’s okay – I got off lucky. I’m just happy it didn’t happen one night earlier.”
“Why?” asks Henry.
“Well,” replies Morris, “just on the day of the theft, I marked everything down by 30 percent!”
Lost in Translation
Little Rena was in Junior Kindergarten at Eitz Chaim Preschool. Her favorite time of the day was when the Morah taught parsha. Morah Dinah was telling the story of Lot and Sodom.
“There was a man named Lot,” Morah Dinah explained, “who was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
Concerned, Rena asked, “What happened to the flea?”
Mrs. Cohen has been suffering from arthritis. On the advice of her daughter-in-law, she goes to see Dr. Rubinstein, a specialist.
After a long visit, Dr. Rubinstein prescribes some medication and sends Mrs. Cohen on her way.
After a few weeks, Dr. Rubinstein calls Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answers, “So did my arthritis!”
Puzzling Family Tree
A simple Jew from the infamous city of Chelm visits Warsaw. He meets the shamash of the shul and the shamash asks him a riddle: Who is my father’s son, but he’s not my brother? The simple Jew thinks and thinks, finally gives up and asks: Who is it?
The answer is simple: “Me.”
“That is great,” he thought! When he returns to Chelm he gathers his friends and family and challenges them with the riddle. Who is my father’s son, but isn’t my brother? They give up. “It is the shamash of Warsaw!” he proclaims grinning at the brilliance.
Old Bernie Epstein was testifying as a witness to an automobile accident. The following exchange took place between Bernie and the lawyer:
Lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”
Bernie: “Yes, sir.”
Lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”
Bernie: “Thirty-one feet, six and one-quarter inches.”
Lawyer (thinking he’d trap Bernie): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”
Bernie: “Because when the accident happened, I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some silly lawyer like you would ask me that question.”
Dr. Adler was out for a leisurely Sunday afternoon ride on his bicycle, when he came upon little Moishie Goldberg from his shul, trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower, Moishie?” asked Dr. Adler.
“I just want enough money so I can buy a bicycle,” said Moishie. After a moment of consideration, the doctor asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”
Moishie asked if he could try it out first, and after adjusting the seat and riding the bike around a little he said, “Doc, you’ve got yourself a deal.”
Dr. Adler took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called Moishie over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”
The boy said, “That’s because you have to yell at it to get it started. That’s what my dad does.”
Dr. Adler said, “I am a doctor, I don’t even know how to swear.”
Moishie looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come to you!”
A Real Bargain
“Good morning, sir,” Morty says as he greets the salesman. “I came to this store because I don’t like to bargain.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place,” says the salesman. “We’re strictly a one price outfit.”
“Excellent. I like that blue suit over there. How much is it?”
“Like I said, I don’t fool around with bargaining. So, I’m not going to ask $250 for this suit, or even $235. I’m going to give you my best price: $220.”
“Well, you’re my kind of businessman,” Morty says. “That’s why I’m here. I won’t fool around and offer you $160 for that suit, or even $175. I’ll give you $200 for it.”
“You can have it for $210.”
“I’ll take it.”
Batteries Not Included
David and Miriam were out shopping, and all David wanted was some batteries, but none of the clerks in the electronics store seemed interested in helping him.
“I’ve got an idea,” Miriam said, and she pulled a tape measure out of her purse. She stepped up to one of the giant plasma-screen TVs and started to measure it.
Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. “May I help you?” he asked breathlessly.
“Yes,” Miriam said. “We’d like to buy these batteries.”