Language
A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole.
The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole.
When they were settled and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children, “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?”
“We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked.
“It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language!”
Dorna Delrahim
Bagel Bargaining
Charlie put two bagels on the counter and asked, “How much for these bagels?”
“It’s two for a dollar,” replied the cashier.
Pointing to just one of them, Charlie asked, “How much for this one?”
“Sixty-five cents,” replied the cashier.
“Ok,” Charlie said, placing a quarter and two nickels on the counter. “I’ll take the other one, then…”
A Vexed Vet
After a long day spent visiting an endless array of horses and cows with sore legs, Mark the Veterinarian finally returned to the animal clinic.
He discovered a slow leak in one of his truck tires, and although he was exhausted, he mustered the strength to drive to the service station.
The mechanic knew immediately that he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after Mark carefully explained to him that his truck seemed to be lame in the right hind tire.
Yitzy D.
Fitness Survey
My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. She noticed that for the question “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman wrote, “Horrendous eating habits.”
“What makes you say that?” my friend asked.
The woman replied, “I can’t spell atrocious.”
Frieda M.
Double Trouble
A man arrived at the hospital with two burned ears.
“How did this happen?” the nurse asked.
“The phone rang while I was ironing my shirt,” he explained, “and I picked up the iron instead of the phone.”
“So how did you burn the other ear?”
“They called back.”
Sarah D.
Top Ten Observations on Growing Old
10. Going out is good, coming back home is better
9. When people say that you look “great,” they add, “for your age.”
8. Now you get discounts on everything… hotels, flights, and so on, but you’re too tired to use them.
7. You forget names, but it’s okay, because other people forgot that they ever knew you.
6. Your spouse is depending on you to remember things that you don’t remember.
5. You sleep better on a lounge chair than you do in bed. It’s called “pre-sleep.”
4. You miss the days when everything worked with just an on and off switch.
3. You go out to dinner but you go home by 9pm. Next week it will be 8:30pm.
2. You read 100 pages into a book before you realize that you’ve already read it.
- Being old is good in some ways: old songs, old photos, and, best of all, old friends!
Jack V. Grazi
Administering With Care
A nurse was making the rounds, giving out medication, checking blood pressure and temperature, and tending to the patients’ other needs. When she stopped at an elderly patient, she politely asked before checking his blood sugar, “Which finger should we use this time so that it won’t hurt too much?”
“Yours!”
Eddie C.
The Draft Interview
Robert was being drafted into the army. When it came his time to meet with the drafting officer, he was asked what his present work was.
“I work for Dr. Pepper.” Robert responded.
Little did Robert know that the next day he’d find himself placed in the Medical Corps.
M. Hazan
Sailor Sickness
Sailors have a well-deserved reputation for concocting excuses to get out of work detail. Once, an officer received a call from a sailor saying he was sick and there was no way he could leave the barracks.
“What’s wrong?” the lieutenant asked.
“I’m in a coma,” he responded.
Steven Shweky
Orange Juice
Somebody once saw a man staring at an orange juice bottle, so he approached to ask him what he was doing.
He answered, “It says, ‘concentrate.’”
S. Semah
Lights Off
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside in order not to attract pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
Eddie Gindi
When Turtles Fly
Deep within a forest, a little turtle lived together with a family of birds for many years. One day he began to climb a tree, in an attempt to fly. After tremendous effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
Shmuel Lalehfar
Short-Term Injury
A client filed a claim for short-term disability insurance benefits after injuring a knee. In order to process his claim, he was asked the obvious question, “And which knee is it?”
He replied, “Mine.”
Rachel A.
A Sure Cure
The local pharmacist was used to answering all sorts of questions. Once, a customer came in asking for a cure for hiccups. The pharmacist thought a good scare might do the trick, so he quickly reached across the counter and gave the customer a heavy slap on the back. Apparently, he slapped harder than he needed, as the customer lost his breath for a minute.
“Did that cure the hiccups?”
“I don’t know,” the customer replied. “I’ll have to check my wife, who’s waiting in the car. She has the hiccups.”
- D.
Medical Confusion
While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree!”
Jack V. Grazi