Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Confused with Candy
When Michael opened up his birthday gift bag, he took out the cowboys and Indians set and ate one of the little plastic horses. His parents, afraid of the damage it would do to his stomach, rushed him to the hospital where his condition was diagnosed as “Stable.”
Difference of Opinion
A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.”
The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the surgery, then they’ll see that I’m right.”
Pass the Test
A college physics professor was grading a particularly difficult test he had just given to his class when a pre-med student approached him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing to grade the tests.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally, he spoke up. “Physics saves lives because it keeps the people who aren’t serious out of medical school.”
All in the Family
Outraged by the high fees his specialist charged to treat his arthritis, a friend asked my dad which doctors he used.
“My sons,” he said. “They’re both doctors.”
“So, you get that kind of work done for nothing?” the friend marveled.
Dad smiled. “Actually, I figure it cost me about $750,000 for my kids to treat my knees for free.”
A Doctor’s Duty
While doing her rounds, a new nurse couldn’t help overhearing the surgeon yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!”
“Why does he keep doing that?” she asked a colleague.
“Oh, he likes to call the shots around here.”
An elderly man visited a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving, he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife.
“What’s wrong with her?” asked the doctor.
The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help, but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help determine the severity of her hearing loss.
“When you get home,” he said, “make sure your wife’s back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results.”
That night, when the old man opened the door of his home, he saw his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door.
“What’s for dinner?” the old man asked.
His wife did not respond, so he walked to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. He walked up just behind her and asked once again, “What’s for dinner?”
His wife spun around and, a bit agitated, shouted, “For the third time, baked chicken!”
State of the Art
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
Mother: I need to speak to the doctor! It’s an emergency! My infant has a temperature of 101.
Doctor to Secretary: Find out how she’s taking the temperature.
Secretary: How are you taking it?
Mother: Oh, I’m doing okay.
Sticking to the Rules
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. A young student nurse found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted that he did not need her help to leave the hospital, but after a chat about the hospital’s rules that must be obeyed, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, the nurse asked if his wife would be meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “She is still upstairs getting changed from the hospital gown…”
Jack V. Grazi
A man drove to the beach and parked his car close to the water’s edge, not realizing it was low tide. He then went for a long hike up into the mountains. During his excursion, high tide came and then receded, completely submersing his car for a period of time in the process.
When he finally returned to his car, he was very concerned when he discovered that he had tuna in his Mercury!
An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age,” the doctor said.
“There is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be,” the old man fumed. “You must be mistaken.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
The old man replied, “Well it’s quite obvious – my other leg is fine, and it’s exactly the same age!”
The doctor’s office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving at a snail’s pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking toward the door.
“Where are you going?” the receptionist called out.
“Well,” he said, “I figured I’d go and wait it out in the comfort of my own home.”
Doctor Knows Best
Doctor: Mrs. Finkelstein, you’ll live to be 60 years old.
Mrs. Finkelstein: I am already 60!
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?