Redecorating
What did the blanket say to the bed?
I’ve got you covered!
Sarah Dweck
Not in Stock
I once overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, “We haven’t had it for a while, and I doubt we’ll be getting it soon.”
I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week.
After she left, I told the cashier, “Never tell the customer that we’re out of anything. Tell them we’ll have it next week. Now, what is it that she wanted?”
“Rain.”
Shlomo Schweky
Fixable Falls
A tour guide is showing a group of Israeli tourists the world famous Niagara Falls. “I’ll bet you don’t have anything like that in Israel!” boasts the tour guide.
“You are right, we don’t,” said one Israeli. “But we’ve definitely got engineers who could fix it.”
Melissa S.
New Hair Style
One day, while having coffee in an Upper East Side café, two elderly women were overheard talking.
First woman: “What did you do to your hair? It looks like a wig!”
Second woman: “Actually, it is a wig.”
First women: “Really?! You’d never know it.”
Jack V. Grazi
Wisdom of the Times
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Working for Gd on earth does not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world.
Ron E.
Multilingual
An American soldier called his family from overseas. “Hi Mom, I learned to speak three languages since I’ve been deployed.” His mom responded, “Well, I hope one of them is better English so you can tell us all about it!”
Meryl T.
Dog Eat Dog
Abe and Irv were neighbors in a Florida retirement community, and both proud pet owners.
“My dog is so smart,” Abe bragged, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He brings the kid his tip and then brings me the paper, along with my morning medicine.”
“I know,” said Irv.
“How could you know?” asked Abe.
“Because my dog told me!”
Sharon C.
Amazon Shipment
My husband received a shipment from Amazon and was very happy with what he got. To show his thanks, he said “Birkat H’Amazon.”
Yossi W.
Red Flags
After a severe storm walloped a town in Kentucky, the utility company sent a truck to the hardest hit area to get power restored. The worker was picking up fallen wires when a car horn blared at him.
“Hey,” he yelled at the driver. “Didn’t you see all those red flags, signs, and barriers back there?”
“Oh yes,” the driver replied. “I got by them all right. It’s your truck that’s in the way now.”
Jack V. Grazi
The Wake-up Call
Harry got a job at an economy motel working at the front desk. A guest checking in, a Mr. John Robinson, ordered a 6am wake-up call. The next morning, Mr. Robinson awoke before 6am, but Harry didn’t call until 6:30am.
“Good morning,” Harry said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”
Annoyed, Mr. Robinson let Harry have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6am!” he complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”
“Well, sir,” said Harry, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn’t be staying in this motel.”
David S.
Tax Talk
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words “THE” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”?
Arlene R.
Kosher Menu
A man walked into a kosher seafood restaurant and asked, “Do you serve crabs here?”
The hostess, an older Jewish lady, looked at the man and said, “Sure, we serve anyone – where would you like to sit?”
David B.
Canine Complex
A man walked into the office of Dr. Seymour Epstein, a well-known psychiatrist, and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor Epstein, I’ve got this problem,” the man said. “I keep thinking that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” explained Dr. Epstein soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Sorry Doc,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Micky K.
Only in America
Only in America do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Nathan H
Hearing Aid
Morris realizes that he needs a hearing aid so he goes to Zak’s Hearing Emporium to check out his options.
“How much do they cost?” Morris asks Zak.
“That depends,” Zak says. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.00.”
“Let’s see the $2.00 model,” says Morris.
Zak puts the device around Morris’ neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructs.
“How does it work?” asks Morris.
“For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” Zak replies. “But when people see you wearing it, they’ll talk louder!”
Joe R.
Homework Helper
Teacher: Jacob, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Billy: No, teacher. It’s just the same dog!
- G.
National Colors
An American and a Dutchman were talking.
“What does your flag look like?” asked the American.
“It has three stripes,” replied the Dutchman, “red, white, and blue. We say they have a connection with our taxes – we get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and we pay them until we’re blue in the face.”
“That’s just how it is in my country,” replied the American, “only we see stars, too!”
Yona F.
The Bakery Sign
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to the gym to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: “If it was Divinely destined that I should have any of those delicious goodies, show me a sign in the form of an empty parking space right on the block of the bakery.”
And sure enough, my prayers were answered… On the twelfth time around the block, there it was!
Jonathan F.