Emotional Wellness – False Identity

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Rabbi David Sutton & Dr. David Katzenstein, LCSW-R 

If we watch an exciting and engaging video for two hours, during that time we’re so engrossed, so detached from reality, that none of the thoughts that usually run through our mind are present. Our brain is, in a way, shut off. It is basically not working. We are no longer aware of reality, and are aware only of the images flitting across the screen. As we watch and listen, we are using two of our senses, hearing and seeing.  

Imagine a more advanced types of movie, which causes us to use more of our senses, where we can smell or perhaps even taste the popcorn the characters are eating, or even feel what’s taking place on the screen. For example, our chair may shake during an earthquake in the movie.  

But we still have our mind. 

Now, imagine if the movie is so advanced that when the characters were scared we would feel fear. The movie would be in full control of our brain. 

That’s Life 

That’s life. We get drawn into it as if into a movie, but actually it is only our perception. In reality, life is merely a video, where nothing is really happening. We can choose to pull out and ignore everything. We can choose to not allow the screen to take command over us, to not become emotionally involved.  

In life, we can pull back.  

Increasing Awareness 

Developing increased awareness of our thoughts and emotions can be a powerful tool for self-improvement and personal growth. One way to start is through the practice of mindfulness. This involves focusing on the present moment, without judgment, and paying attention to our internal experiences.   

Another way to increase awareness is through journaling and self-reflection. Writing down our thoughts and emotions can help us gain insight into patterns and habits, and can help us to  understand the root causes of our feelings 

Most of us have heard stories of great rabbis who remained totally engrossed in their learning or their prayers while the world was collapsing around them. They had total focus on their avodat Hashem, not on what was going on around them.  

Along similar lines, people employ breathing techniques to effect natural pain relief, such as using the Lamaze method in childbirth. By concentrating on her breathing, in and out, in and out, the laboring woman distracts herself from the pain.  

Identifying with Things Outside of Ourselves 

There are multiple ways of identifying ourselves with factors that are not really us.  

Rav Wolbe tells a story that took place decades ago in Israel. The government wanted to incentivize the ultra-Orthodox to join the army – or to punish them for not joining. At a certain point, a young man could not receive his driver’s license unless he served in the army. Obviously, this caused quite an uproar in the yeshivah world. The yeshivah boys wanted to be able to obtain their licenses, and eventually, the law was rescinded. 

While all this was going on, Rav Wolbe was thinking, What’s the big uproar? What’s the great need for licenses? In his view, yeshivah bachurim have no need to drive a car. They could take a bus or ride a bicycle. What is the need for a car? With his philosophical approach, Rav Wolbe posited that when a person drives a car, he identifies with his car. His self becomes larger. When you sit behind the wheel in a small sports car and go from zero to 60 in a few seconds, that surge of energy somehow identifies with you. 

It is a fascinating concept when you think about it, though it is basically false. When people go on vacations and rent luxury cars, sitting behind the wheel of a Rolls Royce or a Bentley, they suddenly feel more important. They identify themselves with that car.  

Pleasure Points vs. True Happiness 

There is a significant error in this type of thinking, as it is based on a vital misconception between two distinct experiences: pleasure points and true happiness. Pleasure points are temporary moments of enjoyment or satisfaction that come from external factors, such as driving a fancy car, eating a delicious meal, buying a new item, or experiencing a thrill. They bring a momentary boost in excitement and pleasure, which can be mistaken for happiness. But they do not create a lasting sense of fulfillment.  

On the other hand, true happiness is a deep-seated and enduring sense of contentment and fulfillment, which comes from within. It is most often related to a sense of purpose, meaningful relationships, and personal growth. True happiness is not dependent on external circumstances, and can be sustained even in the face of challenges and difficulties. 

We can identify ourselves with many things. And just like we can become engrossed in that movie, we can become engrossed in the movie of life, instead of peeling away the layers of the onion, so to say, to get to who we really are.