Dear Jido,
My husband and I keep running into the same disagreement every summer: I believe our kids still need a consistent routine even when school is out – especially when it comes to bedtime and daily structure – while my husband thinks summer should be more relaxed, with later nights and fewer rules so the kids can “fully enjoy their break.” The problem is that this difference turns into tension between us, with each of us feeling like the other is either too strict or too lenient. How do we find a healthy middle ground that supports our children’s well-being and enjoyment of summer, while also preventing this recurring conflict from straining our relationship?
Signed,
Summer Stresser
Dear Stressed,
Without getting too Biblical about it, the parasha we’ll be reading later this summer (Ki Tetzei) makes it clear what can happen when parents don’t speak to their children with one voice. We shouldn’t know from it.
There’s nothing wrong with having different parenting styles – it helps children adapt when the morah is strict and the rebbe is soft (or vice versa). But real disagreements between parents should only be held behind closed doors. Children who constantly witness their parents fighting, especially over them, become confused, insecure, and rebellious.
But disagreements also give you both the opportunity to become creative. You say – reach a middle ground. You give in a little and he gives in a little. So then, you’re never fully satisfied and neither is hubby. Naturally, that makes for a tense summer with a potential for lots of fighting.
The idea is to come up with something NEW that satisfies both of you. For example:
“Hey kids! When Dad is home on Wednesdays and weekends you can rock ‘n’ roll all day with Daddy. But remember – you still have to be in bed by 9:00/10:00 o’clock because you have camp the next day!”
This way, Dad gets to see them enjoying the summer while you establish a flexible but firm schedule for them to follow.
(Or some other creative variation along the same lines.) Jido