Mixed Signals
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn’t say anything feeling himself a “guest” and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American’s dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.
“Listen.” he says, “When you went through the red light, I didn’t say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?”
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: “Are you crazy?!” he shouts. “The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?”
David M.
The Smartest Man Alive
A small plane is flying from Dallas to Denver when the engine sputters and dies. The pilot runs out of the cockpit, grabs a parachute, opens the door, then says, “Sorry, there are only three parachutes left,” and jumps out. This leaves four passengers: a boy scout, a professor, a farmer, and a doctor. The doctor says, “Guys, I need to be saved. I heal people and am a valuable resource to the human population.” He grabs a parachute and jumps out. The professor says, “Well, I’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize and spoken to the leaders of the free world. The President of the United States has called me the smartest man alive. It is obvious I need to be saved.” He grabs a parachute and jumps out, leaving the farmer and the boy scout… but only one parachute. The farmer smiles sadly at the boy and says, “Son, I’ve lived a long and fruitful life. You are young and have the rest of your life in front of you. Take the last parachute.” The scout replies, “It’s okay, the smartest man alive just jumped out of the plane with my knapsack.”
Gabe K.
Bus or Bust
Chaim Yankel was visiting Washington, D.C. for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol, he asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”
Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, Chaim Yankel was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus, and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”
Chaim Yankel replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”
Moshe H.
The Clean Cup
A couple walked into a cheap-looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down, they noticed there were crumbs on the seat. After cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table, they sat down. A waitress came over and asked them what they wanted, “I’ll just take a coffee,” said the man. “Me too,” said the lady. “And make sure the cup is clean.” The waitress returned with their drinks and said, “Okay, now, which one of you wanted the clean cup?”
Gladys D.
Stranded in the Desert
Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them. One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. The first man says to the last man, “I’m bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?” The last man replies, “If I get hot, I can just roll down the window.”
Joey S.
Favorite Patients
Four surgeons were talking about their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.” The second surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” The third surgeon says, “You have to operate on electricians. Everything inside them is color coded!” After quietly listening to the entire conversation, the fourth surgeon pipes up and says, “I like engineers because they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”
Steven A.
No Credit
A customer comes into Moshe’s Furniture Warehouse and wants to pay for his purchase by check. The clerk just looks at him and points to the sign on the wall:
“There are two very good reasons why we won’t take your check. Either we don’t know you, or we DO know you.”
Jason G.
Three-Day Pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the commanding officer for a 3-day pass. The officer replied, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So, the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The officer was so impressed, and asked, “How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab in his tank. I put my white flag up, and the Arab raised his white flag. I asked the Arab soldier, ‘Do you want to get a 3-day pass?’ He agreed, so we exchanged tanks!”
Mordechai A.
Swallowed Quarters
I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour, I saw a nurse, so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”
Nancy P.
Bad Word
A young boy was sitting in the waiting room for a little bit after getting his tooth pulled. The receptionist asked him if he was okay. “Yes, but I didn’t like the bad word the dentist used while he was pulling my tooth.” “What did he say?” asked the receptionist, worried. The boy replied, “Oops.”
Shelly T.