QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I have been putting in a lot of work in my marriage and things are getting better. I spent years in therapy and have done so much work on myself. The problem is that my husband refuses to address his past traumas, which I believe are hurting him and, in turn, our relationship. Is there anything I can do about this situation?
R’ Ali’s Response:
It’s great that you have been putting in a lot of work and effort into bettering your marriage. You should continue to have the strength to work on your marriage. I do not mean to belittle any of the work that you have done, but I rarely come across a couple where both spouses aren’t working on their relationship.
The reason why I mention this is that people get burnt out from working so hard and not seeing their spouse work hard as well. Most of the time this is not true. In your case, it is most likely that your husband is working on the relationship. The reason why you may feel he isn’t may be for one or two reasons. He is working on what he feels is necessary to better the relationship, and second, he isn’t working on what you feel is necessary to better the relationship.
Now, although he may not be working on what you feel needs work, you should know that he is not neglecting the relationship. Most likely, if I spoke to your husband, he would say that he’s trying really hard to make things work and it’s just not happening. When I tell this to people they are shocked and sort of relieved. This information won’t make the situation better. However, it does give some peace of mind knowing that he cares and wants things to get better.
Unfortunately, I have encountered (very few) people who say, “My situation is a lost cause,” or “I’m too old for that stuff (working to improve my relationship).” This is sad and a big mistake. I truly believe there is a way to improve almost every relationship.
Getting back to your question. This is something very common and it is important for people to understand this point. You mention that your husband has traumas and refuses to seek help. Was this assessed by a professional or was it self-diagnosed? This is an important question.
Most people tell me that “they know” he/ she needs therapy. Maybe you’re right. But I believe it is wrong to self-diagnose someone and then coerce them into going for therapy. Besides the fact that therapy rarely, if ever, helps someone who isn’t willing to go, I believe it is the professional’s job to decide who has trauma and who doesn’t.
I know this sounds a bit harsh, but it is the source of much tension in marriage. One person is trying to get their spouse to seek professional help based on their own evaluation.
Now, there are cases where a person is dysfunctional and clearly suffers from a real diagnosis such as OCD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc. These are serious disorders and need the guidance of a professional and should be dealt with.
However, your situation sounds fairly common and your husband’s situation is a far cry from a full-blown mental health disorder. In closing, I would say to continue to work on your relationship, as it seems to be working. Don’t press your husband to seek help (unless otherwise advised by a professional). Acknowledge every little bit of improvement on his end and give positive reinforcement. And, of course, pray to Hashem for assistance from Above.