Frieda Schweky

Regular readers of my columns here know that I normally cover light community topics. This month, however, I decided to share the thrilling story of my uncle’s escape from Iran.

Allow me to begin with some family background.

A Peaceful Country Devolves Into Chaos

My father, Amin – known in the community as Danny – grew up in Iran, and has fond memories of his childhood. Prior to the 1979 Iranian Revolution, Iran was a modern country, and my father loved it there. I grew up hearing amazing stories about his upbringing. Unfortunately, he never got to give it the proper goodbye.

It was common back then for Iranian youths to go abroad for high school, and so my father was in Brookyln when the radical Islamists took over Iran in 1979. (My Uncle Benny was also studying abroad, in France.) He was thus spared the turmoil that ensued with the Mullahs’ takeover. Needless to say, he has been unable to return ever since.

Stuck in Brooklyn, he was brought up in the Syrian community. To this day, my father is the only member of his family without a Persian accent, although of course he still speaks Farsi fluently. It was here in Brookyln that he met my mother, an immigrant from Egypt (her family was ousted from their home country, as well, but that’s a story for another time…). They got married before my grandparents were able to escape Iran, and so, unfortunately, my grandparents could not meet my mom or attend the wedding.

But the story I wish to tell is that of my uncle, Sean Sabz. Born in Tehran, Iran’s capital city, in 1969, Sean led a normal life during his early years. He attended Hebrew school, spent a great

deal of time playing outside, and would do mischief with his three older brothers whenever he pleased. When he was nine years old, however, everything quickly changed.

A Muslim extremist group began overtaking what was a peaceful country. Their unambiguously-stated goal was to oust Iran’s leader, Shah Pahlavi, and replace him with the rule of the Islamist figure Ayatollah Khomeini. Chaos erupted. Sean recalls hearing gunshots and extremists screaming, “Allahu Akbar” (“Gd is the greatest,” the cry sounded by jihadists as they set out to kill in the name of their religion) outside his house for many nights. The rebels were determined in pursing their cause, and were violent. Iran’s Jewish population knew they faced grave danger, and many fled, leaving behind everything they had built over the course of their lives.

The Shah, meanwhile, announced he had fallen sick with cancer, and went to Egypt for treatment, allowing Iran to fall into the hands of the violent, fanatical rebels while he escaped.

Escape Through the Mountains

After the revolution, life drastically changed. All schools in Iran – including the Jewish schools – were temporary closed, as the new government replaced educators with radical Islamists. Schools were no longer permitted to serve both boys and girls. Jewish subjects were no longer allowed to be taught. Women and girls were required to wear hijabs in public, no matter which religion they practiced. All these new laws were enforced at the threat of death.

Sean’s parents had a lot to sort out before trying to escape, but their son, Afsheen – now known as Alfred – turned 17, which meant that if he did not flee immediately, he would be drafted into the new governing authority’s army.

Sean’s parents devised a plan, hiring drug smugglers to secretly bring Sean and Alfred out of the country, for $1,000 each. The boys were joined by two other Jewish teens, a boy and a girl.

This trip was very dangerous, and Sean personally knew of someone who died while trying to escape along this route. The plan was to travel by foot through the mountains of northern Iran to Turkey, sleeping by day in caves and journeying by night. The nights were so brutal and exhausting that by the time they were able to stop, they had no trouble at all sleeping in caves.

“One could even mistake a rock for a pillow,” Sean says.

Members of the Kurdish population, who opposed the Islamist rebels, were hiding in the mountains, and they happily fed and helped Sean and his fellow travelers for a small fee. Sean quickly learned about the Kurdish people’s unusual traditions. For example, as long as your cup was upright, that meant you wanted more tea, and when you flipped your cup upside down, that meant you’ve had enough. Sean recalls the mountain people feeding him shakshuka with a thick layer of fat on top.

“Hiking up and around mountains took a lot of energy, and for that we needed to load up on calories,” Sean says of his exhausting experience.

The smugglers were surprised by Sean and his brother’s demeanor. They had grown accustomed to smuggling scared and crying children, but the Sabz’s were just the opposite, making jokes and playing around at times along the way, despite the grueling ordeal they were going through.

“We would have to run at night,” Sean tells. “At some points, we were even riding on horses with people chasing after us and bullets flying, like in an action movie.”

When they finally made it to the Iranian Turkish border, Sean and his group were interrogated separately by the Iranian border patrol. The smugglers prepared them for this, and all their stories matched up perfectly. The story was that they were going on vacation to Turkey and fully intended to return to Iran. The group was granted passage and accepted into Turkey as refugees, because at that time, the United Nations was paying the Turkish government $1,000 for each Iranian they helped.

A Family Reunited at Last

Sean and Alfred spent two months in Turkey with limited contact with their parents, awaiting paperwork for their transfer to Israel. They eventually entered Israel on tourist visas and spent the next four years at Hadasim, a Yeshiva with dormitory facilities. Their next destination would be New York.

When the brothers arrived in Brooklyn, they met their newborn nephew, Joey – also known as Poe – my oldest brother, who had been born just 18 days before their arrival. By this time, their mother Turan (who later chose the name Rachel), my late grandmother, had already established herself in Brooklyn. However, their father – my grandfather Yoseph (who B”H celebrated his 90th birthday this past December) – remained trapped in Iran, due to false accusations. His Muslim business partner had betrayed him, reporting him to authorities as a dishonest Jewish businessman.

During the lengthy court proceedings, officials offered him freedom on one condition – that he sign a document declaring his conversion to Islam. Though not particularly religious, my grandfather responded with remarkable courage: “You can call me whatever you want, but I am a Jew, I have Jewish blood.” Over time, the court officials came to recognize his integrity and eventually granted his release. This story fills me with pride as his granddaughter (which is why I felt it important to mention, despite the deviation from my uncle’s story).

After his release, Yoseph managed to escape Iran and reunite with his family in America, though at great cost – leaving behind his home and business, and having endured years of separation from his loved ones.

Sean’s parents later relocated to Great Neck, Long Island, joining a growing community of Jewish Iranian (also known as Persian) immigrants. Sean has divided his time between Los Angeles and New York over the years. His recent travels included a business exploration trip to Cuba, and he currently works as a contractor in Los Angeles.

Today, Sean cherishes time spent with his family, including his great-nieces and nephews. He and his family make a conscious effort to exercise the freedoms and rights they nearly lost years ago – a powerful reminder of their journey and resilience.

Donald Epstein was awarded the annual Joseph M. Betesh Community Leadership Award on December 28th. The award, in memory of Joe Betesh, a’h, one of the founders of Congregation Magen David of West Deal, was presented by his son, Daniel Betesh.

Working Behind the Scenes

One of the things that makes this year’s recipient special is that he has not tried to grab the spotlight, but has often worked behind the scenes. “Since 1987, Donald has always worked in the background of the community and was involved with things that nobody knew that he was involved with,” Daniel Betesh commented. Donald, a partner in the large real estate firm Matrix Development Company, is often sought out for his expertise in business, construction, and real estate. He served as an advisor for many of the buildings that have gone up in the community. As Daniel Betesh put it, “Everyone goes to him.”

Donald was involved with the synagogue’s most recent project, a footbridge that connected Kramer Court to Brookside, which made Magen David of West Deal more accessible for those walking to the shul on Shabbat.

Donald’s community involvement is not limited to Magen David. He has been active in many community projects over the past four decades. The Chabad of the Jersey Shore went up with his help and Donald also supports the Rutgers Chabad House. Donald is very involved with the JCC, which has always been the hub of the community. Schools have operated out of the JCC (including Hillel Yeshiva in its earliest years) and the building has been crucial to many of the goings-on in Deal. Donald’s mother served as the JCC’s Executive Director, and he joined the board when he was only fifteen years old. Since then, Donald has become one of the mainstays of the JCC. He served at the JCC president for many years and participated on the national JCC board. On top of all that, he helped support the JCC financially.

He opened the JCC up to different institutions that needed a space. In the past, the JCC served as the location of Hillel Yeshiva’s hockey team (Donald himself coached the team for many years). Today, the gym is also used by Maor Yeshivah High School and Ilan High School for their sports teams.

A Little History

In the summer of 1976, Joe Betesh moved his family from Philadelphia to join the

community in Deal. In those days, the Syrian community lived almost exclusively in Brooklyn. Although Deal was a popular summer location, only a handful of families lived there year-round.

Joe Betesh bought the house on the corner of Deal Road and Whalepond, which was surrounded by sprawling forests. People thought he was crazy to move his family to join the Deal community and on top of that, he chose a house in such a remote area. But Joe Betesh was a visionary, and he envisioned the thriving community that Deal could become. He visualized in his mind the opening of a synagogue in the heart of this area. He wrote, “It was then that I had my vision – that someday those 100 homes [to be built in the area] would be occupied by community families, and the hundreds of houses surrounding it [would be] filled with community families.”

Joe bought his house from the Walter Reade family, who owned the entire forest on the west side of Deal Road. They also owned an old office building. They planned to sell the office building and build houses on the rest of the 6.29 acreage. At the closing for the Betesh’s home, the realtor told the sellers that she had a potential buyer for their office building. Joe’s wife Sonia nudged him and said, “That’s your synagogue!”

With the guidance and support of his wife Sonia, Joe went on to make a deal to buy the old office building and the surrounding 6.29 acres. He bought the property for a great price, promising the sellers that once they opened a synagogue, our community would flock to the area, as they did not drive on Shabbat and needed a synagogue building within walking distance. With Gd’s help Congregation Magen David of West Deal opened its doors in the summer of 1978. The land on which Joe Betsch envisioned 100 homes was, indeed, eventually filled by community members, and the West Deal area was born.

Joe Betesh, a Modest Team Player

Despite his many hours of hard work that went into founding Magen David of West Deal, Joe Betesh gave credit to Hashem for the birth of this area. “I feel that Hashem wrote my destiny when he moved me and my family from Philadelphia to Deal.” He was a man who showed his hakarat hatov to others, and credited two of his good friends, Charlie and Slatzy Cohen, a”h, as being instrumental in helping to start the synagogue.

West Deal prospered and grew. Joe Betsch and a team of community members led the Magen David of West Deal expansion and the construction of a new building. Community members including Charlie Saka, a”h, Elliot Dweck, Maurice Zalta, David Azar Cohen, and many others were dedicated to the synagogue and stayed connected to West Deal in the decades to come.

Once the synagogue was up and running, Joe went on to start many other institutions and programs including the Deal Sephardic Youth Center, (the predecessor of the DSN), programs for senior citizens, young adult programs, and many more.

The Joseph M. Betesh Community Leadership Award

Joe Betesh passed away in 2001. His wife, Sonia, wanted Joe’s legacy to be remembered and honored by the community. To that end, Elliot Dweck created the Joseph M. Betesh Community Leadership Award, to be presented annually to a community member who has shown exemplary leadership and service to the community.

Past recipients include Rabbi Elliot Braha, Brenda Saka, David and Al Azar, Sandy Esses, Maurice Zalta, Ralph Sasson, Morris Ashear, Elliot Dweck, and Emily Labaton.

Daniel Betesh explained what was required of award recipients. “It’s different every year but the common thread between recipients is a long period of service that positively impacted our community. These are people who made it their life mission to make our community better for us and for our future generations.”

Back to This Year’s Award Recipient

Donald was active from the beginning. He was on the synagogue’s committee and was involved with the original financing for Magen David of West Deal, participating in the presentations to local banks to get the financing needed. He was very involved in the original renovations. Staff from Donald’s offices helped to maintain the synagogue in its early years.

Donald also contributes to the quality of life in the community as the owner of two kosher restaurants 656 and Stingers. Both restaurants provide high quality kosher dining options in Deal.

Daniel Betesh noted that over the years, Donald Epstein has been influential in getting our community to where it is today. “He is someone who always cares, and someone who has always been involved. He has given decades of service to our community.”

All would agree that Donald Epstein’s Joseph M. Betesh Community Leadership award is well deserved. In his speech, Daniel Betesh concluded, “Donald Epstein exemplifies the qualities of conviction, loyalty, and intelligence. His life is a testament to the power of faith, hard work, and leading by example. Through his selfless service, Donald has touched countless lives and inspired all of us.”

QUESTION:

Dear Rabbi Ali,

I would say that my marriage is pretty good. I have one area that is the source of tension and would appreciate some insights as to what I can do. My wife does not like going to my parents for Shabbat. She also doesn’t want them coming over. This applies to my whole family as well. She gets upset when I talk to them and says that I’m choosing them over her. I know she has some issues with my father, but nothing that seems to warrant all of this. Is there anything I can do to stay connected with my family while keeping the peace?

R’ Ali’s Response:

Unfortunately, this is very common and I’d like to address a few points that are very relevant to anyone going through this. First, everyone should be aware that when they get married, their spouse should not be cutting ties with their family. Family is extremely important and should be part of people’s lives for many years to come. Family gives stability, and in many cases no friend can replace family. I cannot overemphasize the damage that people do by “boxing out” their spouse from their family. People must realize that although they may have a valid point and feel uncomfortable with their spouse’s family, it’s a grave mistake to write them off.

Additionally, I’ve seen many people talk negatively to their spouse about their family. This causes much pain and resentment. If something bothers you, talk about it like a mature adult. Venting negativity to your spouse about their family is not advised at all.

People have a misconception about married life. Lines such as, “your wife/husband comes first,” get thrown around in the wrong places. There are halachic and hashkafic issues many times and a rabbi should be consulted. Just as an example, if a wife’s father asks her to do something conflicting with the husband’s wishes, the wife must go with the husband. This does not work the other way.

Please do not use this article for any halachic decisions, I’m just pointing out that there are times when “the spouse comes first,” and times that it may not apply.

The question you are asking is what should you do now that your wife is “boxing you out” from your family? For starters, you should always try to communicate how you feel in a nice and non-threatening way. Validating her feelings, but state clearly how you feel. “I know you have a hard time going to my parents and I understand you completely. However, I need to stay connected on a basic level to my family.” Try to find a compromise that works for both of you.

If she has a specific issue with your family members, it would be ideal to attempt to resolve it. This would need professional help in my opinion. Choose a third party that you both respect and trust.

Lastly, it should be clear that not having a connection with your family is not an option. You mention that she gets upset when you even speak with them. Say as gently as possible, “I know you have a problem when I speak with my family, however these relationships are extremely important to me and I must stay connected.”

I would advise to continue speaking with your family and being open with your wife. “I love you and I love them, and I hope we can resolve this as soon as possible.”

As I’ve mentioned, in this case I recommend meeting with a professional, as it is sensitive. Of course, I’m not talking about a situation where there’s an unhealthy relationship with you and your family members, which a professional could determine, as well.

In conclusion, family issues are very delicate and sensitive. All delicate and sensitive issues should be dealt with in a sensitive manner. Many times, the issues are multifaceted and truly are complex. Both parties should understand how important family is, as well as how uncomfortable the other one may feel around certain family members. When people feel understood and that the other person does not think they’re crazy, even complicated situations become much easier to navigate.

I’ve seen so many complicated situations navigated nicely and respectfully, and sadly many simple situations dealt with in a reckless manner, causing unnecessary anguish. Work together, understand each other, and you will see how smooth a complicated situation can be.

By Rabbi Hayim Asher Arking and Rabbi Ezra Ghodsi

What is the significance of Tu B’Shevat?

Each year features four distinct occasions that mark the beginning of a specific New Year, meaning there are four Rosh Hashanahs. The first day of Nissan serves as Rosh Hashanah for the counting of a king’s reign. The first day of Elul is designated for determining ma’aser from animals. The first day of Tishrei, Rosh Hashanah, is the time when all people are judged, and it is also pertinent to the counting of years for events such as yovel and shemitah. Finally, the fifteenth of Shevat – Tu B’Shevat (where “Tu” refers to the Hebrew letters ט”ו, corresponding to fifteen) – is the New Year for trees. This date marks the beginning of the year for purposes related to terumah and orlah.

What changes are made in the tefillah?

Tachanun is not recited on Tu B’Shevat, nor is it recited during Minha prior to Tu B’Shevat. If Tu B’Shevat falls on Shabbat, “Tsidkatecha” is also not recited.

Just as on Rosh Hashanah we pray for a good year, it is customary on Tu B’Shevat to recite berachot and prayers for the year’s prosperity. As such, we recite berachot for all types of fruits, vegetables, and foods. Reciting a beracha brings blessing to all living flora on Earth, the source of our sustenance. For example, when one recites the beracha of ha’ets, it invokes a blessing upon all fruit trees globally, enabling them to bear fruit abundantly.

Is everything kosher?

In general, one should be aware of the status of terumot and ma’asrot, as well as the varying opinions on these matters. Additionally, for guidance on ensuring your produce is bug-free, please refer to the JSOR Produce Guide available at https://ask.jsor.org/t/produce-checking-guide/171. This guide provides detailed instructions for how to check a wide variety of fruits and vegetables.

Is there a special prayer to say before eating the fruits?

It is a long-standing Syrian custom to recite the Arabic translation of the Aseret Hadibrot found in Shir Ushvaha (page 515) on Tu B’Shvat. Many also have the custom of reciting certain specific passages from the Torah, Mishnah, and Zohar that are relevant to the particular fruit they are eating, as detailed in the Sefer Pri Ess Hadar. There is also a custom to eat a dish of etrog jelly, made from the etrog used as part of the Arba Minim on the previous Sukkot. One should say a prayer that he should merit to find a beautiful etrog to use for the mitzva on the following Sukkot.

What is the proper order to recite the berachot?

When reciting berachot outside of a bread meal, the typical order is as follows:

1. Mezonot

2. Hagefen (Note: when reciting Kiddush, the hagefen needs to be said first.)

3. Ha’ets

4. Ha’adamah

5. Shehakol

Why is there a preferred order?

The order of blessings is determined by the specificity and descriptiveness of each beracha. A more focused blessing provides a more enhanced expression of gratitude to Hashem. Mezonot, the blessing recited over wheat and other grains, occupies the highest position. It is the most descriptive in its praise, as we mention the benefit we have from Hashem’s creation: that these foods are a source of sustenance.

Following mezonot are the blessings of hagefen (on wine and grape juice), ha’ets (for fruits from trees), and ha’adamah (for fruits from the ground). Each of these berachot describes where the food originates from, and the order reflects the decreasing specificity of each blessing. Hagefen specifies the exact source of origin – the vine, offering the most detailed description. Ha’ets, while acknowledging that the fruit grows on a tree, is a more general beracha as it does not specify the type of tree. Ha’adamah, while mentioning the source as “the ground,” remains the most general, encompassing a wide range of fruits and vegetables, including those that grow on bushes.

Finally, the least descriptive beracha, shehakol (“that all was created with His Word”), is recited last. This blessing simply acknowledges creation without providing any specific details about the origin or nature of the food.

What if I mistakenly recited a beracha not in the preferred order?

Although the berachot are supposed to be recited in the proper order, reciting a beracha out of order does not invalidate the beracha itself. However, it is important to note that in some cases a more specific beracha can be covered by a broader beracha. For example, if one mistakenly recites the beracha of ha’adamah intending to include an orange, a subsequent blessing of ha’ets on that same orange would not be permissible. However, if the ha’adamah beracha was recited on a vegetable without the intention of including the orange, the orange would not be covered by the initial beracha, and a separate ha’ets would still be required.

If I am eating different types of fruits, on which one do I recite ha’ets?

If a platter of many different fruits is served, for example, dates, figs, apples, etc. then the ha’ets is recited on one of the Shiv’at HaMinim (the seven agricultural products mentioned in the Torah as being special to the Land of Israel). There is also a specific order within this group. It is based on which fruit is mentioned closest to the word ‘erets’ in the pasuk ארץ חטה ושעורה וגו’. Therefore, the first beracha would be on the olives, and if there are no olives, then on the dates. If there are no dates, then it is said on the grapes, the figs, and then pomegranates.

What if there are no fruits from the Shiv’at HaMinim?

If the fruits that are served do not include one of the Shiv’at HaMinim, then the beracha is recited on a fruit that is whole. If there are many whole fruits, then you recite the beracha on the fruit that is generally more desirable to you. This is done out of honor for the blessing.

These rules also apply to any assortment of foods that are of the same beracha, such as bananas, watermelon, and cantaloupe; or cookies, cake, and pretzels.

If there is a shehehianu fruit, when would shehehianu be said?

According to many opinions, a shehehianu fruit is regarded as the “preferred fruit.” Therefore, if there are fruits from the Shiv’at HaMinim, the ha’ets would be recited on one of them. When only eating regular fruits, one should make a beracha of ha’ets on the shehehianu fruit, provided it has not been cut up. (Others say that a shehehianu fruit always takes precedence.)

What fruits require a shehehianu?

One can only recite shehehianu on produce that is seasonal and not available year-round. Nowadays, many seasonal fruits are still readily available to be purchased year-round, as they are imported from countries with warm climates, and would not require a shehehianu. If one wants to recite a shehehianu on a new fruit, they should get a more exotic one, like starfruit, passionfruit, etc.

What if I do not enjoy the taste?

If one knows that he does not enjoy the taste of a specific fruit and does not feel any happiness in eating the new fruit, a shehehianu should not be recited.

Should I recite ha’ets or shehehianu first?

It is preferable to recite ha’ets first, followed by a shehehianu, and then eat from the fruit. Some have the custom to recite the shehehianu first followed by the ha’ets.

What if I forgot to recite shehehianu?

If one is still in the middle of eating the fruit, he can still recite the beracha. However, if one is finished eating the fruit, the beracha can no longer be recited.

In Summary: When one is ready to partake of the Tu B’Shevat table, he should begin with a beracha of mezonot on cookies or cakes. Next, he should recite hagefen upon wine or grape juice. Then he should say the beracha of ha’ets on olives, dates, grapes, figs, or pomegranates (in that order). Otherwise, ha’ets is recited on any fruit of his choice if it is a whole fruit. If there is a fruit that one will be reciting shehehianu on, then that will take preference over other fruit. Afterward, one recites ha’adamah on the vegetable he generally prefers. Shehakol is the final beracha recited on food.