Victor Cohen

Our traditions in large part define our community. Many of us are named after our grandparents, giving us a link to past generations. When our community first arrived in the United States, we focused on staying close to each other and to keeping our beloved traditions alive. We treasured our pizmonimand our different customs. Our community was well-known for how connected we were to our past and how we worked together to keep from assimilating.

Over the past century, we have largely avoided being consumed by the culture around us, popular culture has still seeped through, in ways large and small. We follow sports, listen to popular music, and participate in popular American activities. This is not all bad. However, unfortunately, being distracted by the culture outside of our own has meant that over time, our own songs and customs have started to become forgotten. Few people in our community now wake up for Bakashot, like those attend the Ades Synagogue in Jerusalem.

Certainly, our traditions have been completely abandoned. In large part, the younger generation is bringing them back, studying the songs of our ancestors and reviving them. Someone leading the charge is the prominent community hazzan, Ikey Levy. He has been a hazzan for over ten years and has been the hazzan for the Eatontown Synagogue for the last four years. Let’s listen to some of Ikey’s insights into the world of our heritage with traditional music and how it is making a comeback today.

Building a Connection to Our Heritage Through Hazzanut

Ikey has always had a great voice, but he did not always sing. Here’s how he got his start. Ikey’s father liked singing the song Habibi at the Shabbat table with Ikey’s older brother Aaron, who was eleven when Ikey was five. One Friday night, Aaron, who also has a great voice, was not around. So, Ikey’s father called him over to sing, and was astonished by what he could do.

Ikey’s father taught him the basic pizmonim and took him to various sebets on Shabbat so that he could hear how others sang. “He’d take me to two sebets a day sometimes just to hear them,” Ikey reminisced.

Then Ikey’s training really went to another level. “When I studied in Israel,” he said, “I went to study by Moshe Habusha with a group of five other boys. Habusha is one of the top hazzanim in the world.” Ikey studied there for nine months, and Habusha gave Ikey a strong foundation in hazzanut, from which he could expand.

Inhazzanut,there are certain musical scales called ma’amat. They start and end on certain notes, and when training to become a hazzan, you learn how to sing many of them.

One can incorporate his own creativity when it comes to when and how the ma’amat are used within a passage. “Sometimes when you listen to the music or have instructions from another hazzan, you have instructions on how to infuse one maqam with more personality,” Ikey said.

He explained that the key for an aspiring hazzan is to listen to Middle Eastern music, which will help you expand your options. In a way, it is similar to learning to play chess. You can study by learning all of the different openings, or studying different patterns, but there is something special that comes with watching a true master perform. The same goes for hazzanut, and the more a hazzan listens, the more he can become inspired in his own songs to try out different methods. It is a highly creative, fulfilling pursuit with lifelong learning.

Educating the Community

Ikey taught pizmonim in YDE for five years, then taught keriah and pizmonim in Hillel Yeshiva for two years. Currently he tutors privately, and also tries to help encourage knowledge of our community’s traditions. To that end, he began a community minhagim WhatsApp chat, which is not dedicated only to hazzanut. In the chat he informs members about traditions from Aleppo, Damascus, Lebanon, Jerusalem, and Egypt. “Things get mixed up,” Ikey said, adding that “we just want to know where each custom originates from.”

Certain customs we follow today were not always done universally. “In Halab, they did not stand for Alenu Leshabeah.” Everywhere else in the Middle East, they stood.

“Aleppo used to be unique in that way.” Ikey said he knows one elder who, following this custom, still sits during Alenu! “I’m not saying that we all start changing what we do, but to me it is fascinating to see where certain customs originate from. In Syria, some didn’t have the custom to bow at all for Barechu, others did a small bow based on the Ben Ish Hai’s opinion, but in Egypt they stood up and bowed.”

The Weakening of Our Customs

There was a certain beauty to the old customs, accompanied by a level of devotion and a sense of community that is not easy to capture in words. Ikey described how he used to go to Bakashot when he lived in Brooklyn. “In my time in Brooklyn, I’d wake up Shabbat mornings 6am for Bakashot by Rabbi Mansour’s old Knis. Between 6:30 and 7:45, every Shabbat morning, Menachem Mustaki, Mordechai Salem, and Haim Eliyahu, were all there.” When Moshe Habusha, Ikey’s teacher from Israel, came in, the whole room filled up.

“It was very electric in the building,” Ikey reminisced. “It warms my heart when we do those things, because people forget what our community did in the old days in the Lower East Side and in Bensonhurst where they’d sing Bakashot in people’s houses.

“Unfortunately the greater part of Bakashot, most of our community has forgotten,” Ikey said. But pointed out how parts of Bakashot live on in other forms, such as songs, for example: Ki Eshmera Shabbat and Yom Zeh Shiru Lae-l were originally from Bakashot. Today, the Bakashot still are heard early Shabbat mornings at Rabbi Mansour’s new Knis.

Ikey recalled howsebets used to run, “lead by the hazzan, the crowd would sing pizmonim well into the afternoon with the Hacham speaking words of Torah either before or in between. Today, however, there’s more emphasis on speeches from friends and family members along with other genres of songs being sung with much less of our pizmonim in focus. Again, I’m just pointing out the change.”

The New Revival of Our Customs

In an interesting twist, though, this decline is beginning to reverse itself where it was least expected. It is the younger generation that has begun to revive the old music. While some of the melodies are a little archaic, there are many that are still being sung today. “There are nineteen-year-olds singing in Arabic today,” Ikey said. While much of the decline was due to the overwhelming popular culture, we are starting to see a certain yearning for what came before. “If you look at Shaare Zion today,” Ikey said,“the younger crowd is reviving the old ways within the community. That is happening.Our job is to keep it going for as long as possible.”

Ikey pointed to a positive development. “The hazzan David Shiro is putting out albums of new songs, taking our old songs and putting new packaging to them. If people hear it, they might be inspired to hear more.”

Hopefully, the revival of our community’s old ways continues to grow from here. We have the unique ability to look both back to our history and forward to our future at the same time. Informed and enriched by the traditions, songs, and ways of our past, we can strive towards the future, holding close to what makes us special.

Hazzan Ikey Levy performs professionally at weddings and special occasions.  Please contact him at 347-715-0350. He can also be found on Instagram @hazzan_ikey and on YouTube at youtube.com/@IkeyLevy.

Inventions are the ingenious gadgets and machines that have made our lives a little more fun, interesting, and easier. Real inventions are the things that we did not think were possible yesterday, and yet, it would be difficult to live without today. From the tiny paperclip to the massive jet engine, every month we will explore the history behind our world’s most famous inventions and learn about the innovators that designed them.

This month we explore the history behind an invention that most of us likely just take for granted…

SUPER GLUE

As a publicity stunt, a Russian program risked a man’s life, just to prove the strength of a new type of Super Glue. They had their producer hanging upside down below a hot air balloon, with nothing but the glue to hold him in place!

The crew glued the soles of the producer’s shoes to a wooden board attached to the underside of the balloon, before flying it up to a height of 5,000 feet. Thankfully, the glue proved to be strong and the man did not fall.

A surprisingly large number of inventions owe a degree of unexpected good fortune to their success. This was certainly the case with the world-famous Super Glue which is found in most households. As a matter of fact., Super Glue was invented by accident, not once – but twice!

In 1942, chemist Dr. Harry Wesley Coover Jr. was attempting to make clear plastic gun sights to be put on guns used by Allied soldiers in WWII. Dr. Coover was experimenting with a form of cryanacrylic which while clear, proved unsuited for the role as it stuck to anything it came into contact with. Dr. Coover abandoned that formulation completely as it obviously wasn’t suitable for his current project, being too sticky.

Nine Years Later…

Nine years later, in 1951, Dr. Coover was working at Eastman Kodak. He was the supervisor of a project looking at developing a heat-resistant acrylate polymer for jet canopies for jet aircraft at Kodak’s Kingsport plant in Tennessee. 

While working on the project, one of his technicians, Fred Joyner, used the rediscovered Super Glue and tested it by spreading ethyl cyanoacrylate between a pair of refractometer prisms. To his surprise, the prisms became stuck very solidly together without the need of any heat or pressure. Rediscovering the substance, Dr. Coover now realized the great potential of such a product and appreciated its attributes. He tested it on various objects within the laboratory, and sure enough it worked consistently. Providing there was a small amount of moisture on the surfaces to be bonded, the objects stuck permanently each time.

Super Glue is Born

Dr. Coover eventually registered a patent for the glue and worked on refining the product for commercial production. Super glue first went on sale in 1958 under the name Eastman 910 before later naming it “Super Glue.” Eastman 910 was soon licensed to Loctite who dubbed it Loctite Quick set 404.

During the 1970s, various manufacturers produced their own take on the fast-setting glue with the strong bond, using Coover’s cryanoacrylic formula. Today, it has many names such as Krazy Glue, Glue Stitch, and SurgeSeal – but to most people it is Super Glue. Dr. Harry Coover became known as “Mr. Super Glue,” which pleased him.

Daring Stunts

Over the years, publicity stunts demonstrating the extreme fixing power of the adhesive have been publicized. One famous advertisement was broadcast on the Russian program, Chudo Tehniki (Wonders of Technology), which showed a man dangling upside down a hot air balloon at an altitude of 5,000 feet, held only by boots super-glued to a small wooden platform!

Medical Marvel

Dr. Coover was also proud of the adhesive’s lesser known but crucial role in medicine. During the Vietnam War, field surgeons found that cyanoacrylates sprayed over wounds incurred in battle could act as an emergency method of staunching blood blow. Today, newly-developed forms of cyanoacrylates are often used in surgery to close up incisions in conjunction with or in place of traditional sutures.

Acknowledged and Awarded 

Dr. Coover worked for Eastman Kodak until he “retired” in 1984 at the age of 67. But he never slowed down. He started his own consulting company. And for nine years, he was also a board member of a large chemical company.

In 2010, Dr. Coover, who had been involved in obtaining 460 patents during his career, received the National Medal of Technology and Innovation from President Barack Obama.

• Dr. Harry Coover

Dr. Harry Wesley Coover Jr., the inventor of Eastman 910, commonly known as Super Glue.

• Eastman 910

Super Glue first went on sale in 1958 under the name Eastman 910.

• One and the Same

Today, Dr. Coover’s Super Glue is available in a variety of names.

• Super Glue Patent

A copy of Dr. Coover’s patent which was filed in 1954. 

• Photo of Dr. Coover receiving the award from President Obama.

Dr. Harry Coover being awarded the National Medal of Technology and Innovation from President Barack Obama in 2010.

Medications on Shabbat

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas

“Rabbi, what should I do?” Michelle asked with a concerned look on her face. “I heard it’s forbidden to take medication on Shabbat, but I suffer from terrible migraines and I take blood pressure medication daily. Can I take those medications on Shabbat? And what about Ronnie when he has heartburn?”

Rabbinic Prohibition on Medication

It is generally rabbinically prohibited to take medication or engage in healing on Shabbat unless one is bedridden (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 328:1). This prohibition stems from a decree by the Hachamim, who were concerned that people might grind herbs to make medicine, which would be a violation of an issur d’oraita (Gezerat Shehikat Samemanim, Shabbat 53b).

However, this prohibition only applies to someone with a meichush – a minor ailment that causes mild discomfort but does not incapacitate. Medication may be administered if one is a choleh she’ein bo sakana (an ill person not in danger of death).

When Medication Is Permitted

A choleh she’ein bo sakana is someone who is bedridden or incapacitated, for example, someone suffering from influenza, a serious headache, or stomachache, etc., that prevents them from functioning normally. In such cases, they are permitted to take medication on Shabbat. Hacham Ovadia, zt”l, goes further and rules that in these situations, one should not be stringent and should take the medication to relieve the illness, as there is a mitzvah to experience oneg Shabbat – joy and happiness on Shabbat (Halichot Olam, Vol. 4, p. 163).

The permissibility of taking medication on Shabbat depends on the category or severity of the illness:

Choleh She’yesh Bo Sakana – Life-Threatening Illness: In cases of danger or acute illness, such as a severe allergic reaction, serious heart issues, or diabetes, the use of necessary medication is unequivocally permitted and even required. Additionally, in situations involving chronic conditions, like hypertension, where regular medication is necessary to maintain health, it is permitted to take medication on Shabbat forpikuach nefesh, in order to prevent sakanat haim – a danger to life.

Choleh She’ein Bo Sakana – Non-Life-Threatening Illness: This refers to someone who is incapacitated or bedridden (nafal lemishkav), where the entire body feels weak or painful, such as in cases of influenza, a severe headache, or stomachache. Although not life-threatening, such an individual is permitted to take medication as they cannot function normally. This is true even if someone is a safek choleh she’ein bo sakana. In other words, taking medicine is permitted when one is in doubt and it is difficult to evaluate the category of illness (Hazon Ovadya, Shabbat).

Meichush Be’alma – Minor Ailments: These are minor conditions that cause mild discomfort but do not prevent someone from functioning normally. For example, a person suffering from cold symptoms or heartburn typically falls into this category. These conditions are not severe enough to justify taking medication on Shabbat. On one hand, delaying medication would not cause harm; on the other hand, there is a concern of Gezerat Shehikat Samemanim, as mentioned earlier. Therefore, the prohibition remains in place for minor ailments. However, leniency may be applied if there is a risk of the condition worsening to a category of choleh she’ein bo sakana (ibid).

Conclusion

Although heartburn is unpleasant for Ronnie, it does not usually qualify as a serious illness and is categorized as meichush be’alma unless it is a more serious condition that incapacitates him. Therefore, it is forbidden to treat heartburn on Shabbat, as it falls under the general prohibition of performing refuah (healing) for mild ailments.

However, Sandra’s condition is different. She is classified as a choleh she’ein bo sakana, as she suffers from migraines and is a choleh she’yesh bo sakana for severe hypertension. Even if these conditions are not life-threatening, she should take her medication on Shabbat.

Next month’s column will deal with exceptions when other forms of medications can be taken on Shabbat.

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a worldwide expert, lecturer and author on Medical Halacha. He heads the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is “Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome.” To contact Rabbi Finchas, email rabbi@torathabayit.com.

By Rabbi Moshe Arking and Rabbi Hayim Asher Arking

The days of counting from Pesah to Shavuot are in anticipation and preparation for the goal of yesiat Misrayim– receiving the Torah. Regarding Avraham Avinu it is written, “…and Avraham became old, coming in days.” This refers to the greatness of Avraham Avinu that as he grew older, he came with every day, as each day was another step to achieve more. Sefirat ha’omer is a time to prepare for Shavuot when we accept the Torah. We can master that greatness, one day at a time. The counting should be accompanied with a plan that one can visualize and have a takeaway of a tangible accomplishment like each day of Avraham Avinu. We should make every day that we count – count.

When is the best time to count?

One should count right after nightfall, which is approximately forty minutes after sunset, so that he is counting the entire coming day. If one is concerned that he will forget to count, then already after sunset one may count with a beracha.

One who did not count at night, counts by day without a beracha and then on subsequent nights with a beracha. Therefore, we have a custom to mention the count during Shaharit, so that one who forgot last night will fulfill his obligation then.

Can I eat supper before counting?

From a half-hour before the time of a mitsvah, such as tefillah, keriatshema, and counting sefiratha’omer, one may not eat more than a k’beitsah (50 grams) of bread or mezonot. Other foods, including rice, chicken, meat, etc., may be eaten even in larger quantities. However, if one appoints a family member or friend who is not eating to remind him to count after his meal, he would be allowed to eat a full meal of bread or mezonot. 

Why do we stand?

When we perform mitsvot, such as shofar, lulav, pidyon, etc., we stand. The source of standing by mitsvot is actually from omer as the pasuk states, “from the beginning of the sickle harvesting –bakamah – the standing crop.” The word bakamah also teaches us that we perform the mitsvot while standing.

I mistakenly counted the wrong number. Do I recite a new beracha?

One who counted the wrong day did not fulfill his obligation and is required to count again with a beracha. If the mistake was realized immediately – within approximately one and a half seconds – the correct day should be recited without a beracha. After that time, he will need to recite a new beracha and count.

Can I recite the beracha and then figure out the correct number by following the person next to me?

Like all berachot, before one begins, he should be saying it upon something known and specific, i.e. before reciting ha’ets, he should preferably know exactly which fruit he is reciting upon and even hold it in his hand. Therefore, one should preferably know the correct day before he starts to make the beracha.

Another important point is that one should realize what number he is counting. It is not merely about saying certain words that fulfills the mitsvah, but rather to understand the number counted.

I am not sure if I missed a day, do I continue?

According to some opinions, the forty-nine days of sefiratha’omer require a continuous counting without missing a day. In deference to this opinion, one who misses a day, although he will lose the beracha, is required to continue to count on the following nights. However, if one is not sure if he missed a day or not, he will continue his counting with a beracha.

I always end up missing a day! May I start counting with a beracha?

Yes. Before a day is actually missed, one would still count with a beracha even if he knows that he will definitely miss a day. Therefore, if someone has a scheduled surgery or something that will prevent him from counting a complete day of the omer, he should still begin to count with a beracha.

Do women and children count the omer?

Young boys should be taught to count once they reach the age of hinuch– six years old, like every other mitsvah. A minor who missed a night of counting is different from an adult and should continue to count with a beracha. However, women do not count at all, even without a beracha.

I told someone what day it is. May I still count with a beracha?

When asked what day it is, it is best to respond, “Yesterday was such-and-such.” In order for one to fulfill his obligation, his counting has to be prefaced by saying, “Today is day…” Therefore, if one did not yet count and responded, “today is day six,” he would lose his beracha. However, if he just answered “six” or “it’s six,” he may still count with a beracha.

What if one becomes bar mitsvah in the middle of sefirat ha’omer?

A minor who will become barmitsvah in the middle of sefira should start counting with a beracha until he turns thirteen. After his barmitsvah, the question arises whether it is considered that he is starting anew in the middle of the omer; therefore, he may not be able to recite a beracha. For this FAQ, we would refer one to his rabbi.

When is the earliest time I can take a haircut, listen to music, etc.?

All the customs of the sefira (i.e. weddings, music, haircuts) apply until the morning of the thirty-fourth day. Regarding music, however, the custom is to be lenient on Lagla’omer if the music is being played at a hilula for Ribbi Shimon Bar Yochai.

Can I buy new clothes during the days of sefira?

One may buy new clothes during sefira. However, for clothes that require a sheheianu, it is preferable to wear them first on Shabbat and recite sheheianu then. Sheheianu on fruits may be recited even during the week.

Why do we study Pirkei Avot during sefira? As mentioned, these days are in preparation and anticipation of receiving the Torah. We therefore learn PirkeiAvot which motivates one to the observance of Torah and mitsvot, and the study of the foundation for Torah – our character traits. Secondly, Pirkei Avot focuses a lot on our interpersonal relationshipsthat were at a low point during this period and therefore require our attention to study properly.

Mourning the Loss That Could Have Brought Mashiah Imagine today a rabbinical learning program with twenty-four thousand rabbis going to cities throughout the world. If they had been around even one century ago, the exponential number of religious growth worldwide would be on such a grand scale, the Mashiah could come! This is how we can view the magnitude of this tragic loss of the students of Ribbi Akiva. They passed away over two thousand years ago – it could have been a transformation of our nation beyond epic proportions. In respect to the mourning of this period, we do not marry, have parties with music, take haircuts, and other limitations.

Financial anxiety is at least as old as it is common.  Actually, it’s even older – as old as the Torah.

This month, we read Parashat Behar, which discusses the remarkable mitzvah of shemittah – the “Sabbatical” year.  For an entire year, farmers in the Land of Israel must desist from all agricultural work, and declare all their agricultural lands ownerless, allowing anyone who wishes to help themselves to the producein the fields.

A modern-day equivalent to shemittah would be a storeowner who is compelled to shut down his business for an entire year, and keep the doors open so that anyone who wants can come and take the merchandise which he had not been able to sell before the onset of that year.

The Torah anticipates the anxiety that farmers will feel as the shemittah year approaches:

“And if you say: What shall we eat during the seventh year, given that we will not sow and not gather our grain?” (25:20). 

Understandably, farmers will be very concerned about the grave financial repercussions of a one-year shut-down of their enterprises.

Hashem responds to this question by assuring the farmer that his fields would yield an extra abundance of produce during the sixth year, and this surplus will suffice to feed him and his family during the coming years.

At first glance, these verses require no further elaboration.  Gd assures us that we will never lose by adhering to His laws, by following His commands, even when this entails great sacrifice, as He generously rewards our compliance by providing us with our needs.

However, the discerning reader likely noticed a glaring difficulty in the text.  The Torah foresees the people worrying about what they will eat “in the seventh year” given the restrictions on farming.  We must ask, why are they concerned about the seventh year?  They farmed throughout the sixth year, so there will be plenty of food available for the seventh year, the year of shemittah.  The problem arises not during shemittah, but aftershemittah, following an entire year during which nothing was planted and the fields were neglected.  The people would, seemingly, be worried about a food shortage during the eighth year, not during the seventh year.  Why, then, does the Torah foresee the people asking, “What shall we eat during the seventh year?”?

One answer is offered by Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch (Germany, 1808-1888), who explains that the people would need to begin reducing their consumption already during the seventh year.  Knowing that they are not farming this year, and are thus not producing any food for the eighth year, they are compelled already now, during shemittah, to “tighten their belts” and eat minimally in an effort to ensure that some food will remain for the eighth year.  Hashem responds that this is, in truth, not necessary, because the sixth year’s yield would be double the normal output, providing enough food for both the seventh and eighth years.

Setting the Price of Lands in Eretz Yisrael

A different, and especially novel, reading of this verse was offered by Rav Chaim Berlin (1832-1912).  In order to understand his explanation, we must first discuss the commands presented by the Torah following its presentation of the laws of shemittah.

The shemittah is not the only year when agricultural activity is forbidden.  Every 50 years, the nation is to observe yovel – the “jubilee” year – when a number of special laws apply.  All the restrictions on agriculture that apply during shemittah are observed also during yovel, and, in addition, all lands return to their original owner.  This means that when a person sold his field in the Land of Israel during the periods when yovel was observed, the transaction was temporary, as the property returned to the owner on the yovel.  (This was true also of homes, except in walled cites, which were subject to different laws.)

The Torah introduces the laws of yovel following the laws of shemittah, and it then proceeds to discuss the impact of these laws upon real estate transactions.  Since the sale of lands would be temporary, effective only until the yovel, the price for the property must be set accordingly.  The Torah strictly forbids sellers from taking unfair advantage of buyers by unreasonably overcharging.  Therefore, the Torah commands those who sell property to adjust the price according to the number of years that have passed since the previous yovel.  If a person sells land shortly after yovel, such that the land would belong to the buyer for nearly 50 years, the seller may charge a higher price.  But if the transaction takes place later, shortly before the onset of the yovel, then he must charge a lower price, since the buyer’s benefit from the property – which he must soon return to the seller – will be very limited.

Returning to our original topic – the question of “What shall we eat during the seventh years?” – Rav Chaim Berlin keenly observed something else peculiar about this verse (in addition to the question we posed earlier).  He noticed that this verse appears not immediately after the laws of shemittah, but later, only after the Torah discusses yovel and its impact upon the price of lands.  We would of course have expected that after the Torah commands discontinuing agricultural work during shemittah, it would then immediately address the people’s understandable concerns about their food supply after shemittah.  But instead, the Torah first digresses onto the laws of yovel, and their ramifications with regard to the price of real estate, and only then returns to the topic of shemittah, allaying the people’s fears about how they would have enough to eat after not tilling the land for a whole year.

Clearly, this sequence requires explanation.  Why doesn’t the Torah first complete its discussion of shemittah before proceeding to the topic of yovel?

The Hidden Value of Everything

Rav Chaim Berlin offers an ingenious explanation – one which not only sheds an entirely new light on this verse, but also provides us with a meaningful lesson, relevant to each and every one of us.

He contends that this question – “What shall we eat during the seventh year?” – is not, in fact, expressing fear and anxiety about the food supply as a result of neglecting the fields duringshemittah.  Rather, it is a question that a buyer might ask in response to the Torah’s guidelines regarding the pricing of land.

As mentioned, the Torah requires determining the price of land based on the number of years remaining until the yovel, as this is the number of years during which the buyer will benefit from the property.  Rav Chaim Berlin brilliantly points out a problem that the buyer might have with this arrangement.  If, for example, he is purchasing a field 20 years before the yovel, he will actually not be receiving 20 years of benefit from this field – because two of those 20 years will be shemittah, during which he is forbidden from making use of this field.  The Torah requires calculating the price based on 20 years of benefit – but the buyer will be benefitting for only 18 years, not 20.

Rav Chaim Berlin creatively explains the verse as addressing this question.  The question, “What shall I eat during the seventh year” means, “What benefit will I be receiving on the seventh year?  Since I cannot work the land during that year – I receive no benefit, so I should not have to pay for this year!!”

The Torah answers that in truth, the buyer will be receiving 20 years’ worth of benefit from the field – because the field produces more than usual during the sixth year.  Gd sends His blessing to those who observe shemittah to ensure that they lose nothing by complying with this most difficult mitzvah.  Hence, the land yields double the ordinary volume of produce during the sixth year – such that the one who had purchased a field for 20 years receives 20 years’ worth of benefit.

Our Beneficial “Fields”

Everything we own, and everything in our lives, has been given to us for a reason.  Like the field owner during shemittah, we might occasionally look at some of the things in our lives and wonder how they help us, why Gd made them happen, what benefit we gain from them.  We all – without exception – have these kinds of “fields,” things happening in our lives that annoy us, that inconvenience us, that challenge us, that upset us, and that seem to offer us no “produce,” nothing beneficial.  We must recognize, though, that even these “fields” in fact help us, even though we cannot understand how.  Like the farmer who observes shemittah, we are guaranteed that everything we have has value and offers benefit, even when we cannot see it. Let us stop complaining about the “fallow fields” in our lives, about all those things which seem to give us nothing other than headaches.  Let us firmly believe in the hidden value of everything we have and of everything that happens, trusting that Gd knows far better than we do what we need, and He would never give us anything or put us in any situation if it did not offer us significant benefits.  Living with faith in the great value of even our “fallow fields” can spare us so much aggravation, disappointment and anxiety, and allow us to enjoy joy, peace of mind, and serenity under all circumstances, no matter what we are going through.

QUESTION:

Dear Rabbi Ali,

I know that you speak about marriage, but I was hoping that you could help me with my daughter and son-in-law. I don’t like the way my son-in-law speaks to my daughter and I am not sure how to approach the situation. There are other things, but I am not sure how much I am allowed to say to her or maybe approach his parents. Any guidance would be appreciated.

R’ ALI’S RESPONSE:

Before I give you my perspective on the matter, I’d like to mention two things. Firstly, anyone who is reading my column should know that marriage, parenting, and parents’ relationship with their married children are many times intertwined. People shouldn’t think that advice for in-laws is too different from advice for husband and wife. Anything that can affect the couple’s relationship falls under this category and needs to be addressed just as much as shalom bayit issues need to be addressed. Parents should take these questions very seriously and not rely on what they feel is best. Married children should also take parents and in-laws’ issues seriously as they involve kivud av va’em and can have serious repercussions. 

Second, I am glad that you are reaching out and I encourage more parents to reach out when situations such as these arise. Unfortunately, many disasters could have been averted with some simple guidance. Of course, some situations are complex, but most are very simple. I will try be’ezrat Hashem to put down the basics that everyone should know and then address your specific situation.

There are some rules that all parents should abide by in order to ensure that their children have a happy marriage. The first rule I would say is to never, under any circumstances, get involved in your married child’s relationship. Any well-meaning parent will instinctively attempt to protect their child. The parental instinct to protect their child can come at the cost of damaging the relationship, which means that any hint that they are unhappy will make them completely biased to their child. This can set off numerous disasters. A parent may be tempted to give advice without even hearing the other side. I will address what to do, but advice should definitely be off limits. Many times people will tell me, “ I had no choice but to give him advice on how to proceed.” To this I say, “We don’t do something wrong when we are unsure what else to do.”

Another rule is to never ever confront your son or daughter-in-law! I cannot emphasize this point enough, as I have seen people do this or something like this. People in general cannot accept rebuke. How then will your daughter-in-law respond to any hint that she is making mistakes in her marriage? Not too well. This same rule applies to calling up or approaching your child’s in-laws. This has become common practice and should become a non-practice from now on.

The next rule is not to say anything negative to your child about their spouse. Until now we were talking about situations where you were approached. This rule applies even, or especially, when your child has not even mentioned that something is wrong with their relationship. If you see something that is concerning regarding their relationship, never mention this to your child, for a few reasons. Besides the  aforementioned idea  that you might give some dangerous advice, what you see may not even be bothering your child! 

There are many other rules, however this should serve as a basis for parents to understand proper boundaries and how cautious they must be when dealing with their married child’s relationship.

Getting back to your question, you mentioned that you feel that your daughter is not being spoken to nicely. I have no idea if this is mild or major, but getting involved will cause two problems. The correct approach would be to speak with your rabbi or with a professional in the field. A family rabbi may be able to approach them and guide them properly. I have seen this approach multiple times and it has met with much success. A rabbi who deals with marital issues can tactfully approach your daughter or son-in-law and figure out the best way to proceed.  Of course, it’s not easy to sit back and watch your child be hurt and unhappy, but this is a delicate situation and must be dealt with in a delicate manner. To conclude, I am not speaking about outright abuse, chas ve’shalom. Anyone being abused must be guided to safety immediately using your own discretion.