Unfortunately, it is very difficult to discern the critical difference between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt, or what we call shame. Healthy guilt is the experience of realizing that our actions that lead us astray are beneath us, that we are better than our behaviors. It is simply not becoming for a prince of the King of the Universe to act in this way. The key here is to view ourselves as above our poor decision and actions.  

Conversely, unhealthy guilt/shame conceptually means equating our sins with who we are as a person. Our identity becomes what we have done, and we say to ourselves, “If I committed those aveirot, I am obviously an awful person.” When we identify with our flaws and our worst moments, that shame permeates our entire being, making it extremely difficult to return. We believe that the only way out of our despair is not to merely change our choices and actions, but to completely alter who we are. Yet since we perceive ourselves as despicable, the mere thought of becoming better can be overwhelming.  

The prince in our previous example does not have to change his identity. He is a prince, after all. He just needs to start acting like one. 

But he must be patient with himself. 

In many cases, this despair can be traced to the desire for instant gratification. We think, I am going to make sure to pray with kavanah, with concentration. We suppose that it is enough to try and then boom! – all of our tefillot are going to be filled with kavanah from beginning to end. And while we’re at it, we think, I’m going to go through Mesillat Yesharim and become an expert at every middah listed there. If I just stick to it – and there’s no reason to think I won’t – in due time, I’ll be the biggest tzaddik/tzaddeiket around! 

And then, how frustrated we become when we don’t see it happening! 

Slow and Steady Wins the Race 

Accordingly, we must bear in mind the all-important rule: Slow and steady wins the race. Don’t overload, don’t jump the gun. The Gemara (Kiddushin 17a) warns, “If you grasp too much, you’re not grasping anything. If you grasp a bit, you’re grasping something.” 

And even with that little bit that we can do, we’re going to flounder and mess up. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. As Shlomo Hamelech states (Mishlei 24:16), “The tzaddik falls seven times and he arises.” 

Which brings us to a favorite theme of our society: diets. 

Beware: most diets don’t work. That is a researched fact, with myriad reasons behind it. One of those reasons is that it is only natural to succumb to temptation and eat the cookie that is against the diet’s rules and regulations…So we go ahead and eat the cookie.  

Make the Right Choice 

Now we are faced with two choices. Either we pick ourselves up and say, “Okay, I fell, that’s understandable. After all, I do love cookies,” and then get right back on track, and watch our food intake carefully for the rest of the day. 

Or, we make the unfortunate choice made by so many. “Look at me, so undisciplined! I promised myself I would be ‘good’ this time, and now I’m never going to lose an ounce.  Once I cheated and messed up today, I may as well finish the entire box of cookies!” 

That would be like the farmer saying, “Okay, that’s it. Forget it! I received a worthless field. I’m not working anymore. I’ll just throw in the towel!” 

Rather, we must not despair, but keep pushing forward, doing our best with the “field” we have been given. 

 TAKEAWAY 

Keep working steadily toward your goal. When you fall and fail, dust yourself off, stand up again, and get right back to work. If you stick to it, you will eventually succeed. 

For example, if you inadvertently spoke lashon hara during the hour in which you were meant to be extra vigilant about guarding your tongue, don’t drop out of the program altogether. Rather, figure out a way to remind yourself not to speak lashon hara during your designated time slot, and keep up the momentum!

By A Concerned College Student 

As a college student, I feel a great deal of discomfort writing this article about what’s happening on campuses over these last weeks, expressing my feelings about the current state of affairs in American colleges. For one thing, writing about this topic forces me to reveal the embarrassing truth that my kippah has been replaced by a baseball cap, borne out of a fear which I wish I did not experience. 

But I am writing nonetheless, because I cannot remain silent, and because I believe there remains some untrodden ground regarding this conversation. Yes, everyone has talked about the Harvard Student Group letter which begins with the outrageous declaration, “We, the undersigned student organizations, hold the Israeli regime entirely responsible for all unfolding violence.” Everyone has also seen the shocking footage of Cooper Union students locked inside a library, and the frightening student-organized protests held in NYU and a few of the CUNYs. 

Much has been made over what happened thus far, the current state of events, but far less has been said about how things like this were allowed to unfold. How could these types of statements – so blatantly false – be sanctioned, or even tolerated, by these schools? Why is no disciplinary action being taken against those who support Hamas terrorism?  

It is imperative, in my view, for us to address these questions in order to more precisely formulate our criticism of the academic institutions which are failing their Jewish students.  We need to be very specific in stating which actions or inactions we disapprove of. And, secondly, our sages teach us in Pirkeh Avot, “Eizehu hacham? Halomed mikol adam – Who is wise? He who learns from all people.” Clearly understanding the blunders made by others allows us to learn how to avoid those same blunders, both individually and collectively, as a community. 

The “They Do Not Speak for Us” Fallacy 

Allow me to begin with a point that should be obvious to all.  

Harvard President Claudine Gray issued this statement after the publication of the outrageous letter by the student groups blaming Israel for the October 7th atrocities: 

Let me also state, on this matter as on others, that while our students have the right to speak for themselves, no student group — not even 30 student groups — speaks for Harvard University or its leadership. 

This statement is an attempt to separate the leadership of Harvard – or rather, Harvard’s official stance on the situation in Israel – from the stance of the student clubs which signed the letter casting the blame on Israel. This is not acceptable. The reason, quite simply, is because student groups speak for the university from which they operate. If the Harvard Music Club, for example, puts their heads together and releases something big, that would be a reflection on the university where the club is based. If the admirable actions of student groups represent the university, then the condemnable actions of student groups do, too.  

Moreover, the student groups who signed the letter which solely blamed Israel for everything are built with Harvard’s funding, Harvard’s backing, and Harvard’s approval. Hence, these groups’ official statements are very much part – and an exceedingly damaging part – of the university’s public communication. The university cannot allow itself the luxury of conveniently dissociating itself from their outlandish statements. 

This is an illustration of the first problem, one which I believe many universities do not understand – the fallacy of “they do not speak for us.” President Gray said this explicitly in her statement: “…no student group — not even 30 student groups — speaks for Harvard University or its leadership. Another example is the statement issued by CUNY Chancellor Felix Rodriguez: 

And we wholeheartedly reject the participation of organizations affiliated with CUNY in demonstrations that glorify Saturday’s violence and celebrate the killings, injuries and capture of innocent people. We respect their right to free speech but condemn their support of these crimes against humanity. We want to be clear that students or anyone from CUNY who chooses to organize or attend these events are in no way speaking for or representing our University or its 25 campuses. 

CUNY sought to excuse itself by claiming that organizations affiliated with CUNY are not speaking for them. But it doesn’t work that way. 

Making a Kiddush Hashem 

If the letter is coming from within an organization you sanctioned, or an event is held on campus by a pro-Palestinian group that you funded, then you absolutely bear responsibility for what they say or do. As long as student clubs and groups are active, they speak for whichever university they find themselves in. Any one of them can speak for Harvard, since those groups are sanctioned by Harvard. That’s the way these things work. 

But if we hold universities accountable for their official student groups – as we of course should – then we must also assume responsibility for those who speak on our behalf. We need to be very careful when choosing whom we allow to represent us.  

If you’re running a company and something goes public for all the wrong reasons, this will damage the company; conversely, if a heartwarming, impressive story comes out of whatever organization you are a part of, the incident positively reflects on your organization’s work.  We, as Jews, must always look to create a kiddush Hashem, to bring respect and esteem to our nation. People are always watching us, and are forming opinions about the Jewish People based on their impression of our conduct. Accordingly, it behooves us to choose our spokespeople carefully, to ensure that Jews who step onto the public stage represent us nobly. We cannot allow ourselves to do what the aforementioned universities do, to conveniently distance ourselves from those speaking on our behalf. 

Where are the Consequences? 

There is also a second, especially troubling, aspect of the universities’ response, and that is a crucial element which is alarmingly absent from their statement: consequences. 

Nowhere in either statement (and in several more; I read them so you don’t have to…) is there any mention of consequences for the students’ actions. No disciplinary action has been taken against the CUNY students for what Chancellor Rodriguez called “their support of crimes against humanity.” Nor has anything been done about the 30 student groups at Harvard who solely blamed Israel for Hamas’ inhumane atrocities on October 7th. 

Even if we would concede that these student groups do not represent the views of the institution, should we not expect the school to actually do something instead of just trying to distance itself from these groups’ outrageous statements? Why not cut their funding, or threaten to ban these groups, if they are celebrating the murder, torture, violation and kidnapping of some 1,400 people? 

Imagine a baseball team just lost their first game of the season, and in the post-game interview, the losing pitcher says that he loves losing more than anything else, and that he hopes his team loses every single game going forward. The public is dumbfounded by the pitcher’s shocking remarks, and everyone eagerly awaits a response by the team’s leadership and front office. Several days later, the general manager, the manager, the team’s president, and the owner convene a press conference. The manager stands at the podium and announces, “We condemn the pitcher’s statement about wanting to lose every game going forward. This does not reflect the views of the leadership.” 

How would the public react? They would of course excoriate the organization for failing to hold the pitcher accountable, for continuing to pay his salary and to allow him to pitch more games. Does it make any sense for the leadership to simply distance themselves from the pitcher’s statement, and say that this doesn’t reflect their attitude, so everything is fine?  

This is precisely what the universities’ leaders are doing. The student clubs that run under their auspices are making appalling remarks that go against the institutions’ official position, and they are facing no consequences. The universities are simply letting them continue their activities, and letting them continue to embarrass the institutions.  

Importantly, this is something from which we can learn, as well. Sometimes, unfortunately, punishments must be given. Punishing is unpleasant, but we need to realize that it is occasionally necessary in order to teach a lesson and inspire better behavior. Misconduct must have repercussions, or else it will continue. 

In conclusion, I would advise youngsters planning to go to college to stay close to home if you can. Times are getting tough on campuses. The community is more important now than ever not only for our spiritual safety, but even for our physical wellbeing. 

In the meantime, we need to call out the failures of American colleges, and urge them to step up to the challenge and do what needs to be done to make their campuses welcoming for Jewish, pro-Israel students. 

Like dry kindling awaiting a single spark, the October 7 massacre (in which over 1,400 Israelis were murdered and hundreds more were injured and kidnapped) lit a bushfire of pro-Hamas rallies and confrontations in colleges and universities across North America. Before Israel had a chance to absorb, let alone respond, to the brutal attack, campuses were already becoming flashpoints of hateful rhetoric, anti-Semitic demonstrations, and confrontations. 

On October 9, a group of 34 student organizations at Harvard University swiftly issued a statement assigning total responsibility for the violence to the “Israeli regime.” This was followed by the national leadership of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) calling for a “Day of Resistance” on October 12, urging demonstrations across college campuses. Faculty members added to the anti-Israel fervor. At one demonstration, an associate professor of African American history at Cornell University, Russel J. Rickford, expressed his delight about the attacks, exclaiming, “It was exhilarating! It was energizing!” Later he issued an apology acknowledging that his words were “reprehensible.” A petition calling for his termination gained nearly 11,000 signatures. Cornell University confirmed his leave of absence and reassigned his course to another professor.  

A Stanford University lecturer has been suspended for allegedly making Jewish students stand in a corner and then branded them as “colonizers,” while also downplaying the Holocaust and defending murderous Hamas terrorists as “freedom fighters.”   

Joseph Massad, a professor of Modern Arab Politics and Intellectual History at Columbia University, wrote in an online article on October 9th that Hamas’  “awesome and incredible” offenses against Israel on October 7th were a “stunning victory.”  He faces calls for his removal in an online petition that has surpassed 30,000 signatures! 

At George Washington University,  the campus library’s exterior walls were turned into screens for slogans such as “Glory to our martyrs” and “Divestment from Zionist genocide now.” In New York, at Cooper Union College, Jewish students were forced to barricade themselves in a library as pro-Palestinian protesters banged on the doors and brandished wooden sticks and anti-Semitic signs in the window. An attempt by pro-Hamas demonstrators to burn an Israeli flag led to a violent altercation at Tulane University, resulting in a Jewish student suffering a broken nose after being struck with a megaphone. Multiple explicit violent threats targeting Jewish students were made on an online bulletin board. At Cornell University, multiple explicit violent threats on an online platform such as, “If I see a pig male Jew, I will stab you and slit your throat,” which caused the university to advise Jewish students to avoid the kosher dining hall, “out of an abundance of caution.”  

The incidents of harassment, intimidation, and violence against Israeli and Jewish students extend beyond these high-profile cases. Each day seems to bring new pictures and videos circulated on social media that capture the hostility they face. One recurring image, for example, is pictures of students at various universities holding a sign with a Jewish star being thrown into the trash alongside the words, “Let’s keep the world clean.” Videos of students coldly tearing down pictures of kidnapped Israelis and making anti-Semitic statements are likewise commonplace. Moreover, a video from Harvard University demonstrates the normalized hostility on campus. It shows a Jewish student enveloped by a crowd of peers instantly surrounded by a swarm of his peers holding up keffiyehs (a symbol of Palestinian resistance), obstructing his way and chanting, “Shame! Shame! Shame!” in unison. These examples are not merely anecdotal or isolated but are indicative of a pervasive trend that has sparked concern among students, parents, and faculty alike. 

Students Speak Out 

As tensions on campuses escalate, Jewish students are raising their voices, demanding action and protection from their universities. At a press conference, Columbia University and Barnard College students expressed their frustration with the administration’s lack of response to threats and called for more robust safety measures. 

A Barnard College psychology student, Jessica Brenner, shared her daily struggle. “Every day, as I walk on campus, I feel dehumanized. I feel unheard, and I feel unsafe. I feel abandoned.” Brenner’s sentiment was echoed by Yoni Kurtz from Columbia University, who criticized the university for responding to incidents with “empty statements” rather than concrete action. 

The students called for the university to clarify and enforce policies against identity-based bigotry, to increase funding and staff to support victims, and to create spaces for dialogue among students from diverse backgrounds. “This hate will not disappear on its own,” said Kurtz.  

Donors Take a Stand  

In a profound act of solidarity with students and in dismay at the universities’ inadequate response to the October 7 massacre and subsequent campus turmoil, Jewish benefactors are retracting their financial support from the academic institutions they have historically backed.   

At a grassroots level, former donors are taking to social media to showcase their marked donation cards, marked with handwritten declarations such as, “Until you protect and support your Jewish students, I am NOT donating ONE DOLLAR” and, “ZERO dollars to organizations that support Hamas.” 

Major donors are also taking a stand, attracting media attention as they withdraw their support from the universities they have championed. Leon Cooperman, a Columbia Business School alumnus and CEO of Omega Family Office, expressed his stance on Fox Business: “I’ve given to Columbia, probably about $50 million over many years, and I’m going to suspend my giving.” 

The University of Pennsylvania faces a potential loss of up to $1 billion in donations due to a campaign led by Marc Rowan, CEO of Apollo Global Management. Rowan, alongside other alumni, has paused donations, urging for a change in leadership due to their dissatisfaction with the university’s response to the Hamas-inspired violence. In an interview with CNBC, Rowan explained, “There has been a gathering storm around these issues. Microaggressions are condemned with extreme moral outrage, and yet violence, particularly violence against Jews, seems to have found a place of tolerance on the campus, protected by free speech.  

“Imagine telling a group of firefighters, a week after 9/11, that you’re sorry for their loss – and then adding the word ‘but’ – as if you’re going to explain the action of the terrorists. That’s kind of what happened on our campus. This has tapped into a nerve. Yesterday, my email and text blew up with people sending me photocopies of a $1 check to the University of Pennsylvania. Sometimes, when people don’t give to the university, the university can misunderstand it. By sending them $1, they’re sending the university a very important message, and trustees are really faced with a very difficult choice.”  

Similarly, the Wexner Foundation has severed ties with Harvard University, writing, “We are stunned and sickened at the failure of Harvard’s leadership to take a clear and unequivocal stand against the murder of innocent Israeli citizens…” The letter, signed by prominent figures including Leslie Wexner, marks the end of a longstanding relationship with Harvard, where a building at the John F. Kennedy School of Government bears Wexner’s name. Israeli businessman Idan Ofer and his wife have also resigned from board positions at the Kennedy School. 

This financial backlash from donors is a clear message to universities: the Jewish community demands action and accountability, not just words, in the face of anti-Semitic rhetoric, harassment, and violence. 

Beyond Financial Withdrawal – Additional Strategies for Combating Campus Anti-Semitism 

While the withdrawal of financial support is a powerful expression of opposition, it is one facet of a multifaceted approach needed to address anti-Semitism on university campuses effectively. 

Israeli President Herzog has penned an open letter to American universities, advocating for a balance between free speech and preventing violence-inciting speech. Among other suggestions, he has urged universities to establish task forces dedicated to developing comprehensive action plans against anti-Semitism for both campuses and the wider community. 

Dartmouth College has emerged as a model for constructive engagement, with Professors Susanna Heschel and T.K. El-Ariss spearheading forums for students to partake in respectful, scholarly discussions concerning the situation in Israel. These forums, endorsed by Dartmouth’s leadership, have cultivated an inclusive atmosphere for diverse student voices and perspectives, while also prioritizing mental health and spiritual support. 

In situations where students and faculty face anti-Semitic acts, the law firm Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher, in collaboration with the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), Hillel International, and the Louis D. Brandeis Center for Human Rights Under Law, has established the “Campus Anti-Semitism Legal Help Line.” This initiative offers crucial legal assistance and advice to those confronting anti-Semitism. 

If the situation becomes completely intolerable for students, Yeshiva University has forged a coalition of over 100 institutions ready to streamline the transfer process for Jewish students seeking to escape anti-Semitic climates in the aftermath of the October 7 Hamas attacks. The list is primarily composed of U.S. Catholic universities that are extending their campuses as sanctuaries for Jewish students subjected to harassment.  

A Call to Action: Universities, Donors, and Communities Unite Against Anti-Semitism 

As we look to the future, it is clear that the fight against anti-Semitism on campuses requires a collective effort. The measure of our success will not be counted in dollars withdrawn or statements issued but in the everyday experiences of students who should never have to choose between their safety and their education. It calls for the commitment of university administrations, the vigilance of legal and advocacy groups, the compassion of interfaith allies, and the unwavering support of the global community. Our academic institutions must remain places where all students, regardless of their background or beliefs, can pursue knowledge and growth without fear. 

The misvah of menorah is an extremely beloved misvah (Rambam). All misvot have a standard way of performance and an enhanced and more meticulous way. By the strict letter of the law, one can fulfill his obligation by lighting only one candle each night. Hanukah is so beloved, that it has been unanimously accepted for all to perform the misvah in a superior manner. We begin with a single candle on the first night, then add a candle each night, until ultimately kindling eight lights on the final night. We hope the following guide will enhance your performance of this beloved misvah. 

Who is required to light? 

Both men and women are obligated in the misvah of lighting. Although it is a time-bound commandment, which women are generally exempt from, women are obligated in this misvah as they played a significant role, through Yehudit’s actions when she killed an important Greek general.  

Unlike other misvot, such as eating massah or shaking lulav, where each person is required to perform the misvah individually, any one member ― man or woman over bar/bat misvah ― may light the menorah on behalf of the household. 

Children under the age of bar/bat misvah may light any subsequent candles after the first candle is lit by an adult, provided that they have reached the age of chinuch (i.e., they understand how to perform the misvah). 

I have a child studying out of town. Is he required to light himself? 

Children who are supported by their parents and view their parents’ house as their home are still considered part of the household. Even if they are temporarily not living in the house, they can fulfill their obligation with their parents’ lighting.  

The question becomes more complicated if the child is in a different time zone. For example, if the child is in Israel and the parents are lighting at home in America. At the time of lighting in Israel, it is not time to light in America, and when it becomes nightfall in America it is past the time for lighting in Israel. Therefore, it is preferable for the student to light himself, and according to some opinions even with a beracha. If the child is in a later time zone, for example, their home is in New York and the child is studying in L.A., then according to all opinions, a beracha is not recited. 

What should I do if I am a guest? 

One may fulfill his obligation with his host. The guest should participate in the misvah by acquiring partial ownership of the oil and wicks. For close family members visiting and sleeping over, we can assume the host gives them partial ownership, just as he allows them to eat and drink in his house without payment. Concerning other guests, it is preferable for the host to verbalize that he is giving the guest acquisition as a partial owner in the oil, wicks, etc. 

Should I use candles or oil?  

The miracle occurred through the flask of oil lasting eight days. Therefore, the preferred manner of performing this misvah is with olive oil; otherwise, candles are acceptable.  

Every Friday night while reading Bameh Madlikin, we recite a list of wicks and oils unsuitable for Shabbat candles. Some are not suitable because they do not draw the oil well, thereby causing the flame to flicker, while others are not suitable because of their odor. The objective of Shabbat candles is to enjoy and benefit from their light, and we are worried one may mistakenly adjust or tilt the flickering candle for it to light better, or he might leave the room if there is an unpleasant odor. For Hanukah, however, these wicks and oils may be used. The Hanukah candles are not for our personal use. Therefore, even if they do not light well, we are not concerned that one may adjust the candles. 

Where do I light? 

Initially, the lighting would be outside, by the entrance to the courtyard or home, as a public display of the miracles Hashem has done for us. Nowadays, that we are in exile among other nations, it is recommended in most places to light inside so as not to incite our gentile neighbors. Although when lit inside, the menorah is primarily meant to be seen by those inside the home, we light the menorah by the window so that it is also visible to passersby. 

How high should I place my menorah? 

The menorah should be placed at a height where the flames of the candles are above three tefachim (approximately 9.6 inches), and preferably below 10 tefachim (approximately 32 inches). If the menorah would only be visible to passersby outside if placed on a higher window ledge, or if there are young children around, there is no problem placing the menorah higher than 10 tefachim. 

Which side of the menorah do we start lighting from? 

On the first night, we light the rightmost candle in front of the one lighting. On the second night, a second candle will be added on the immediate left of the first candle. And so on ― every added candle is placed in the next left slot. The lighting will always begin with the newest added candle (increasingly left) so that when you actually light, your direction will bring you to move your hand toward the right. The reason to perform the lighting in a rightward direction is like all Avodah ― service in the Bet Hamikdash where the setup of the service positions the Kohen to begin at a point where his direction during his Avodah will subsequently turn toward the right. 

When is the preferred time to light the menorah?  

The preferred time to light is twenty minutes after sunset (4:55pm in the NY/NJ), or at least within a half hour after this time. If one is unable to light then, he should strive to do so as soon as possible. It is important to light while there are still passersby outside, as it is still considered lighting at the proper time. In a situation where no one will be home until late at night, one may light, as long as it is still nighttime. However, one should endeavor to have at least one other family member awake, so that the berachot can be recited according to all opinions.  

May I eat before I light?  

Once it reaches within a half hour of the time to light the menorah one should not sit down for a bread meal. However, if one already started his meal before that half hour, he may continue, though he may light during his meal.  

How do I get to the Hanukah party on time?  

One does not fulfill his misvah with what was lit at a family Hanukah party unless he is sleeping there overnight (or was sleeping there already from the night before even though he will be leaving that evening). If one would like to light quickly at home and then go, then his menorah will have to stay lit for a half hour. After this time, it is permitted to extinguish the lights. Otherwise, one can light the menorah when arriving home (as long as it is before dawn!).  

When do we light on erev Shabbat?  

Although one should first light the menorah and then light the Shabbat candles, if the wife mistakenly lit the Shabbat candles first, the husband may still light the menorah afterwards. If the woman is the one lighting the menorah, and she lit the Shabbat candles first, lighting the menorah at this point will depend on if her custom is to accept Shabbat with the lighting of the candles or not. 

What if my candles went out? 

It is proper to keep one’s hand lighting the flame until most of the wick is lit before proceeding to the next candle. Once the fire caught onto the wick properly, even if it went out within a half hour, one is not required to light again. However, it is preferable. The leftover oil or candle from it extinguishing prematurely can be used for the next night. Otherwise, it should not be disposed of like regular garbage since it was dedicated for a misvah. Therefore, it is burned, similar to leftover sacrifices. 

A project of “Ohr of the Shore.” For questions or comments, feel free to contact us at: faqs@ohrhalacha.org or (732) 359-3080. 

When asked to write a Hanukah article, I wondered how I could help out my readers. I don’t know about you, but I really struggle to come up with good gifts to give. I have a lot of friends and family.  I would love to show my appreciation with something meaningful or thoughtful just for them, but I wrack my brain and nothing comes to mind. So, to help myself, and hopefully some of you, I asked my Instagram followers to tell me about meaningful gifts they’ve given or received Even if it was not for Hanukah, a meaningful gift for any occasion might be a good Hanukah gift. too! Enjoy! 

Elliot Levy @el_cuisine26 

The Hanukah that we got engaged, my fiancé (at the time) and I agreed to not go big on Hanukah presents because her birthday is the next month. We agreed on a small sum that we would spend on our gifts for each other. We planned to exchange presents at her parents’ Hanukah party. My wife (fiancé at the time) loves perfumes, diffusers, and flowers. When it was time to exchange gifts at the party, I surprised her with a really nice gardenia- scented diffuser that was shaped like a gardenia. She loved it because she knew I had put thought into it and gave her something that she really liked. 

 Shortly after, she gave me my Hanukah present. At the time I was the kosher chef at Rutgers University. I was up at the crack of dawn cooking and recording videos on Instagram of me cooking bulk meals for the college students. She did research and put a lot of effort into her gift for me. She got me a chef coat that was meant for an executive chef, and she had it custom made to my exact liking and even had my Instagram handle embroidered into it. It was the perfect gift. I loved it so much and wore it in all my videos onwards. 

Before my wife started working at her current job at SBH, she was working in a shop that sold furs. She always dreamed of having a fur of her own. After presents, dinner, and dessert (at her parents’ party) I told her, “Aleen, I know we agreed to stick to a certain budget and I know that you are a rule breaker, so now it’s my turn to break the rules,” and I handed her a giant box. She was so excited wondering what could be in this huge box. And lo and behold, inside was a beautiful brand-new mink jacket. She was so happy. It was very meaningful because we both put our hearts into the gifts and really thought it out. Items were exchanged that we both loved. She gave me a gift that said she supported me in my business dreams and I gave her something she had always wanted. 

Shelly Shmool @byshelly 

The most thoughtful gifts I’ve gotten have required people’s time. Or, the gift is a demonstration that I’ve been “heard.” Both types came to me last year. I had been complaining about paying so much for professional photos all the time. I myself am a professional photographer and I really value good photos. As a gift, my family and my friends all chipped in for a family shoot for me. It was so meaningful because I really didn’t expect it. I thought I was just venting to friends! Also, the photos are useful and I’m not a fan of useless gifts. Because I am a photographer, I’m never the friend that gets gifted pictures. Another great gift came after I had my second baby. At the end of the summer, my baby nurse took off. There was a point when my husband was out of the house and I felt like I was drowning. My friend came and took over the baby and I laid down with Sue (my two year old at the time) to go to sleep. When I got up, I saw my friend had gotten the baby down for a nap and had cleaned half my house! It was so helpful and needed at that moment. The way I see it, giving your time can one hundred percent be considered a gift. 

Fanette Royzen 

I once gifted my grandma with a toilet a few years ago because she pretty much has everything and she happened to need a new one. I knew hers was acting up. Also, this year I gave her a mattress as a gift because hers was old. I believe in being a practical gift giver! 

Also (when I’m not gifting appliances and furniture) for small gifts, I love sending personalized gifts. Any gift with someone’s name embossed, printed, or embroidered on it makes it all the more special. I find that my friends and family really enjoy and appreciate my custom gifts! 

Dale Levenson 

I always love doing beautiful photo albums for my grandparents. I don’t order from Snapfish or Shutterfly, I like to order more professional ones. It’s not very creative, but they always love it! Last year my son got his grandpa for grab bag so I made the gift for him. I basically did a montage of the past two years and added captions for some of the pictures. It was well-received! 

Terry Nigri 

This is a funny one. My friend loves Ida Levy from @kitchenaccomplished, a community Instagram blogger, so we reached out to her. Ida was so sweet, she agreed to go along with our idea! She made a personalized video (also known as a cameo) wishing my friend a happy Hanukah! When it was time to exchange gifts at our annual Hanukah party, we played the video on a large screen tv and filmed my friend’s reaction. She couldn’t believe it. She was starstruck hearing Ida say her name and talk to her. We were all laughing over her genuine shock and awe. It’s a really great memory for all of us. We still laugh when we talk about it. 

Debbie Gross 

I’ve got one! My bubby had a lot of costume jewelry, and when she passed the family had to decide what to do with the pieces. We decided to keep the ones we always saw her wearing, which were her favorites. I took a gold ring that she wore very often and I loved wearing it. But it always left a green mark on my finger because it wasn’t real gold. A boy I was dating at the time brought it to a jeweler (without me knowing) and had the ring dipped it in real gold. It’s one of the favorite gifts I’ve ever received. It was just so thoughtful. It was so meaningful for me that  this little ring that I used to see on my bubby’s hand all the time was given a “new lease on life” and was now a pleasure to wear. 

Korin Kogan 

My family went away for Passover and I couldn’t come (or that’s what I told them) but I wound up meeting them there for the second half of the holiday! I’m not sure if it classifies as a gift but they were so happy, so that’s what came to mind! When it comes to babies I typically send custom gifts with the new baby’s name on it. I recently sent my friend a diaper bag and bib with the baby’s name and also included a matching pacifier clip. She loved it! 

Violet Bernknopf 

I have back problems, herniated disc, etc., and my family gave me a back massager that you can put on a chair. I use it so much! It was the best gift I ever got. It’s like getting a deep tissue massage at home. It’s not fancy, but practical and appreciated! 

Lisa Barnathan 

I’m always telling my mother-in-law she should join me for yoga, because I love it and it helps me so much with my back pain. For Hanukah one year she had me in secret Maccabee and she gifted me a Lululemon yoga mat with a case! 

Wow, so many good ideas! I love the idea of giving your time as a gift. After I had my first baby I was completely overwhelmed. My friend Natalie came over for a visit and realized I could really use some help. She organized my whole room and the baby’s things. I still talk about it nine years later. It was definitely a great gift. The past few years I’ve been making my father and my husband’s grandmother photo calendars for their desks. They absolutely love them. As a photographer, I always recommend photo gifts. I always like them, and think others would enjoy them, too. Pictures never go out of style. In fact, they get more valuable as time passes and they bring back good memories. In fact, I think I’m going to gift more than a couple of photo calendars this year. If you’re a friend or family member of mine, look out! This Hanukah you’re getting some photo gifts! (And yes, I have professional photos of most of my friends and family because I’m the one who takes and stores them!) 

I hope everyone has a light and joyous holiday! 

Until next month,  

Frieda Schweky

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas 

Max and Michelle scratched their heads as they looked at each other in dismay. They are looking forward to getting married and having children and just discovered that it is recommended that they first do genetic screening.  “Rabbi, what should we do?” they asked. “We are both healthy, and this is causing us so much stress.”  

Genetic screening before marriage involves testing for specific genetic conditions that could be passed on to children.  On the one hand, receiving news of being a carrier of a genetic condition can cause distress for a condition that does not yet exist in a child who only might be affected by this disease. At the same time, knowing this information means that you can pro-actively take steps to prevent these diseases. For example, by doing in vitro fertilization with pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD), we can ensure the selection of healthy embryos, and thereby prevent a specific genetic disease from being passed on to children. 

Rambam and Shulchan Aruch rule that caution is appropriate in choosing a future spouse and therefore, one should not marry into a family who are Mesoraim or Nichfim (Isurie Biah 21:3, S.A. EH 2:7 quoting Yevamot 64b). These cases are somewhat different than what we are dealing with, since the families mentioned have a known and established disease. In most cases, however, people do not know if they are a carrier of a genetic disease. Hacham Eliyahu Bakshi Doron (Responsa Binyan Av 5:65), discusses this at length and proposes principles and guidelines for finding the correct balance to screening.  

Genetic Screening Before Marriage 

Rav Bakshi starts by discussing testing for recessive genetic diseases, such as Tay-Sachs disease. A recessive trait means that for a child to be affected by the disorder both parents have to be carriers of the recessive gene. The parents are completely unaffected by the gene and each of their children has a 25 percent of being born with the disorder. He quotes Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, who permits genetic screening before marriage and argues that a person should not close their eyes to a common, deadly, and untreatable disease such as Tay-Sachs. 

There are, however, many genetic disorders. We do not test for all of them and it is difficult to know where to draw the line. Each community has its own risks and different prevalence of specific disorders. Ashkenazi Jews have higher prevalence of Tay-Sachs disease, Gaucher disease, and cystic fibrosis. Sephardic Jews more frequently are afflicted with Familial Mediterranean Fever, Machado Joseph Disease, or GSD. The specific frequencies will depend on if you are from North African, Persian, or Syrian descent.  

BRCA Mutation 

Hacham Bakshi then discusses whether an adult woman should test for BRCA mutations, which may mean that she will develop cancers later in life. He poses the dilemma as follows: Central to halacha is the principle of preserving life, VeNishmartem Me’od Lenafshotechem, and therefore, even if there is a small chance of a disease, one should be concerned about preventing it. If so, BRCA screening should be obligatory. Alternatively, at this point the woman is not ill, has no reason to believe that she will develop cancer, and perhaps there is no need to screen and “look into the future.” 

Hacham Bakshi explains that pikuach nefesh on Shabbat refers to situations when you are confronted with or can anticipate danger. He differentiates between an immediate danger – that permits desecrating even biblical Shabbat prohibitions – and situations in which there no threat or no danger at the moment, but only will arise in the future. For these latter cases, you may only desecrate rabbinic prohibitions to prevent the danger (Maran Beit Yosef OH 428 quoting Rabbenu Yerucham). 

Using this principle, Rav Bakshi distinguishes between a family who knows they have the BRCA mutation and those that have no reason to assume they have it. He rules that only a woman from a family with high chance of having this mutation is obligated to check for it. But if the statistical likelihood is small there is no obligation, and we should trust in Hashem and follow the instruction of “Tamim tehiyeh im Hashem Elokecha” (“walk simply with Hashem your Gd”). He explains that you are only expected to follow normal standard practice; doing too much hishtadlut may be problematic, too.  

In conclusion, there is not a one-size-fits-all approach, as each individual and community is different. Halachic authorities, geneticists, and physicians must work together to navigate the complexities of genetic screening and weigh up the risks and benefits tailored for each person. Undergoing PGD involves many questions and a posek should be consulted. 

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a worldwide expert, lecturer, and writer on medical halacha, and the head of the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is entitled “Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome.” To contact Rabbi Finchas, email rabbi@torathabayit.com.