Rabbi David Sutton & Dr. David Katzenstein, LCSW-R

Rav Wolbe, renowned author of the mussar classic Alei Shur, was multi-faceted. He did not just pursue the standard job of mashgiach, but did many interesting things in his life. During the Six Day War, he felt the Israeli soldiers were in need of hizuk. So, he went to the frontlines to help strengthen them.

On one occasion, as his plane entered enemy territory, he asked why the plane was flying so low. The pilots assured him, “Don’t worry, we are flying very low in order to remain under the radar, so the enemies cannot detect us.”

Similarly, when fighting the yetzer hara, we must fly under its radar. This is why the baalei mussar say to take on small things. Otherwise, the yetzer hara will detect our plans and cause them to backfire.

Previously, we have spoken about going against your own will, as Rav Yerucham Levovitz (the famous mashgiach at the Mir Yeshiva in Belarus at the turn of the 20th century) did when he was young. This does not mean to refrain from eating the entire day. Rather, if we’ve had one scoop of ice cream, we don’t have that second scoop. That’s going against our will in an area that’s within our reach, in a sphere that doesn’t hurt so much.

We must build up slowly. When beginning an exercise routine, we don’t begin by suddenly doing 60 reps (repetitions, i.e., complete strength training exercises). Instead, we do five or 10 reps, and when it starts hurting, we rest. If the regimen is too hard to begin with, we’re going to quit, practically before we get started.

How do we foster better outcomes and follow-through on our resolutions? We have already discussed why resolutions often atrophy or are relegated to the dustbin of our brains. Now let’s talk about our actionable response, so that we can significantly increase the likelihood of meeting our goals. This can be accomplished by taking the following measures:

Set realistic and specific goals: Resolutions are more likely to be successful if they are well-defined, achievable, and align with your overall values and priorities.

Break down larger goals into smaller steps: By breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps, it is easier to stay motivated and make progress toward achieving our resolutions.

Create an action plan: Outline the steps that you need to take to achieve your resolution, along with specific deadlines and milestones to help keep you on track.

Enlist support: Having friends, family, or a support group who are aware of our resolution can provide accountability and help us to stay focused.

Be flexible: Be open to modifying your resolution if it’s not working, or if you encounter unexpected challenges. It’s important to be adaptable, and to find ways to stay motivated and determined.

Celebrate successes: Celebrate small victories along the way to help keep inspired and to maintain a positive attitude. Recent research shows that this is one of the primary ways to sustain motivation.

Stay committed: Making a resolution is just the first step. Sustained effort and discipline are required to achieve success. It’s vital to stay committed and to persevere, even when progress is slow.

Always Be on Guard

A talmid went to see Rav Elyah Lopian, the mashgiach in a yeshivah in Kfar Chassidim, a city in northern Israel before heading home to Yerushalayim for Shabbat.

There were two routes from Kfar Chassidim to Jerusalem. The shorter route involved a bus to the Haifa central bus station, and from there, a direct bus to Yerushalayim. The longer route avoided the central bus station, but added more stops and more time.

Rav Elyah asked the bachur, “Which route do you plan on taking?”

“Via the Haifa central bus station,” he replied.

Rav Lopian asked, “Aren’t you concerned that since Haifa is a beach town, there will be a lack of modesty at the bus station?”

“No, it doesn’t bother me,” the young man responded.

Rav Lopian grew very serious. “I’m 90 years old and blind in one eye, and it bothers me.”

He was aware that yes, he had a yetzer hara, even at 90 years old and with only one functioning eye.

He was constantly working on himself, never resting on his laurels.

TAKEAWAY

Instead of coercing yourself into making a commitment to improve, do it gently, positively, so as not to activate the koach meridah, the rebellious force inside of you.

For the same reason, strive for the minor things, rather than major commitments.

Remain under the radar.

Mozelle Forman

Our community is blessed, for the most part, with affluence that tends to place a heavy emphasis on material possessions.  Looking around and seeing the opulent lifestyle of our friends and neighbors can entice one to make poor decisions about their own financial life.  “Keeping up with the Joneses,” can become a dangerous position to take when a couple begins to live beyond their means in order to fit in.  This choice – the way they earn, the way they spend – becomes the responsibility of both husband and wife

Ari Perl, LCSW, a couples therapist, facilitates a group for men at SBH, entitled, “The Pressures of Providing,” addressing this phenomenon and “providing a space of mutual support from like-minded guys.”  What has emerged in this group are the deepest feelings that men have about providing for their family, things they may never have felt comfortable sharing with their wives. 

“The men in our group have expressed the wish that others understood the gravity of the burden of managing and budgeting bills and debt- and the constant nature of it. They are choking, caught between a rock and a hard place, between tuition, housing, and other basic living expenses on one side and an income that hardly covers it on the other. They wish they didn’t get hit with sudden large bills even for some ‘noble causes,’ and if they are, they wish their wives would understand what impact that has on them. They wish they didn’t need to conflict with their wives over these issues, let alone be ‘hit’ by sudden large purchases that they only know [about] because they see the bill or the package come in the mail. They need understanding, compassion, respect, and for all of these to be expressed through ongoing close contact over these issues.”

Man As the Provider

To understand why men carry the burden of parnassa alone, we simply have to look back to when Hashem decreed it should be, b’zeat apecha tochal lachem – with the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread.  For a man, there is an intrinsic connection between supporting his family and his sense of self-worth.  His need to provide well for his family is not dictated by his “ego,” it is his Gd-given mandate to work hard and support his family. 

The mandate, though particular to man, was not meant to be his struggle alone.  When Hashem created Chava, it was not only to alleviate something negative, Adam’s being alone, it was to provide him with something positive, an “ezer kenegdo” – a curious synthesis of “helpmate against him” – as his partner in the challenges of daily living.  Our sages explain that in a relationship, there are times when one is most helpful by being supportive and alongside one’s spouse, and there are times when the help that is needed requires going against the desires and position of one’s spouse. The goal is to know when each action is appropriate. Regardless of the action, it is clear that woman was given a mandate from Hashem to act and to influence.

Collaboration and Communication

In order for this helping relationship to thrive, collaboration and communication are essential.  If a man is not disclosing an honest assessment of the family’s financial state, he deprives himself of this help.  When a husband does not disclose to his wife that this year’s business was not as profitable and therefore, adjustments to their spending need to be made, he leaves himself abandoned and alone in meeting the financial needs of the family.  When a wife is not made aware of the true nature of the family’s income, she may feel resentful when she is told that she needs to cut back on spending.  She decides that things can’t be that bad and continues to spend as always.  It can be quite tempting and calming for a wife to have the attitude that her husband is in charge and “let him handle it.”  Receiving a “salary” for the week and remaining unaware of all the other bills waiting to be paid may give a wife a sense of serenity and security.  But if you ask the wife who became aware of the family’s dire financial situation when she watched her car being repossessed in her driveway or if you ask the wife who discovered that her home is now in foreclosure because the mortgage hasn’t been paid in years, they will tell you that they would have liked to have known.

Any financial planner would offer a straightforward, simple plan to alleviating stress about money – “We don’t spend more than we earn.” And while this should solve most financial issues, most couples can’t adopt this philosophy when underlying psychological implications of power and security are not addressed. 

Values-Based Financial Choices

Rabbi Manis Friedman, world-renowned author, teacher, and speaker on creating a successful marriage, emphasizes the significance of open communication and shared decision-making regarding finances within a marriage, encouraging couples to discuss financial goals and responsibilities openly. He often cautions against placing too much emphasis on material wealth as the primary factor in marital happiness, suggesting that true fulfillment comes from deeper connections and shared values.  He advocates for incorporating ethical and spiritual considerations when making financial choices, aligning personal values with financial actions. 

Ari Perl witnesses this first-hand in the couples he counsels.  “When a couple sets personal family values and make decisions about their standard of living together it’s very powerful, inspiring, and rewarding.  It’s an opportunity to renew their vows around what’s really meaningful and valuable- like family, faith, health, personal accomplishments, and being happy with your portion.”

Every marriage begins with a financial transaction called kiddushin. In kiddushin, the man gives the woman, in the presence of two witnesses, money or some other object, such as a ring, valued at no less than a perutah, signifying their union. While the woman is a passive participant in this initial financial transaction, it is unadvisable for her to remain a silent partner.  When both spouses are aware of and are concerned about the financial stability of their family, they have the best chance of success.  Most couples spend their entire married lives disagreeing about financial matters.  Disagreement does not mean they have a bad relationship. It simply means they haven’t found the right way to discuss a difficult topic.  Experts in the field give the following advice:

Expert Advice

Talk to each other – Discuss your hopes and dreams, while prioritizing goals.  Discuss how you can work together to achieve them, recognizing that some dreams are not realistic for your family. 

Discuss money regularly –In order that issues don’t build up and solve the differences and challenges between you rather than debating who is right.  Accept that some problems are unsolvable and focus on constructive ways to discuss them. 

Try to understand your partner’s perspective –As in everything else having to do with marriage, we must take into account that we are each individual with different money styles. For example, one partner may prioritize saving for retirement, while the other may prioritize spending on leisure activities. Take the time to learn to listen to each other. When you are open to compromise with your partner about money, you can work together to find the best solution for both of you. Lastly, if conflict or lack of transparency still prevail, seek the help of a rabbi, counselor, or financial planner to insure the financial health and well-being of your family.

Look for the Warning Signs

While financial assessment meetings should take place regularly, there are a few red flags regarding finances that require immediate attention:

• If a spouse refuses to talk about money or gets defensive when asked about finances, it’s a red flag that they might be hiding important information that could affect the other spouse’s financial well-being. This could include hidden debt or an excessive spending habit, compulsive gambling, or unethical business practices.

• When a spouse overspends continually on a credit card, it can quickly snowball into a debt crisis for the couple.  Opening more new credit cards and maxing out multiple credit cards will not only create the debt crisis but will damage your credit, making you ineligible to apply for loans in the future.

• When a spouse is unwilling to create a budget or stick to a budget created together, financial crisis can occur and trust can be damaged.

Jenna Ashkenazie

Matchmakers play a vital role in our community. Mrs. Odette Rishty has been a matchmaker for 28 years. She saw a notice inviting community members to a meeting dedicated to making matches. Attendees were askedto bring the names of singles that they knew, to introduce them to local matchmakers. Mrs. Rishtyattended, hoping to help friends find their partners. It turned out that she knew some eligible singles who the matchmakers did not know. She wasinvited to come back the next week. A few weeks later, she had made her first match! She joined the matchmaking team, and learned the ins and outs of the shidduch world.  She learned that there is much more to making a match than simply putting two people together.

Mrs. Odette Rishty
Starting out, Mrs. Rishty’s goal was to make matches for those “who needed it but didn’t want to need it.” She wanted the experience to be about good feelings, good customer service, and friendship. Her goal was to look beyond the resume, and to see all sides of the person, not just what was on the surface. Her goal was to push past appearances, and to get to know who each person is, not only what they look like. She believed that was the way to help people find their forever partner. She rejects the term matchmaker, and instead calls herself a community member who wants to help people.

            “We’ve always been taught that this is what Hashem is doing 24/7. I know that this is His realm, and He is letting me be his employee. We get to be a part of what He already decided, but it is clear to me that it is always Him.” A lot of people think that the matchmakers forget the singles who have approached them. But that is not the case. They do care and do not simply forget. Matchmakers ultimately have no control. It is always in Hashem’s hands. It is also up to the singles to put in the effort to meet people, and to put effort into their relationship.

When asked why she continues to work as a matchmaker, Mrs. Rishty states, “I hurt for their struggle, but I love this community. That is why I do what I do. I view them as one of me.” Her most important message: each match is from Hashem, and Hashem only. Every time she thinks of a match, it is all from Hashem.

Mrs. Rishty emphasizes that matchmaking is for everyone, including the more modern and the more religious. She notes that Mekudeshet, and Shaare Zion Connect are two incredible organizations that have supplied matchmakers with databases and support to connect them with rabbis and therapists, to help create the proper way of doing things. These organizations are rabbinically approved, and are constantly networking to improve and facilitate matches more effectively. It is the matchmaker’s job to guide couples through dating the proper way, which is why many matchmakers consult with rabbis and therapists if needed. This is not a job that can be done alone.

Mrs. Julie Gindi

When asked why she believes that singles are turning to matchmakers more than before, Mrs. Julie Gindi responded that there is simply no comfortable place for people to meet. People used to congregate after shul, meet at weddings, or other events. Today it is nearly impossible to meet at weddings and singles don’t just hang around places. With no organic way to meet, many community members have turned to matchmakers for help. Most matchmakers believe that the most important part of meeting a person is to get to know them beyond the resume. Matchmakers work to create a match that goes beyond the superficial stats. “The idea is not [just] to get someone on a date, it is to find someone who is compatible, to be able to build a happy marriage.” Mrs. Gindi believes it is important for people to know that the match has to be right for them, not only for their family or friends. She advises singles not to look for what others will think is good for you. It is also important to remember that “Hashem created each of us with our own unique imperfections. We have to keep that in mind when looking into a suggestion as well as when dating. We are not at ‘Build a Bear,’ we cannot take the image we have in mind and believe that anything slightly different is not right for us. We should see who they are today, and how they will be as a spouse.”

Someone who seeks the help of a matchmaker needs to feel comfortable with them. If a single searching for their soulmate feels they cannot be honest with the matchmaker, the matchmaker will not be able to find them a match. All matchmakers agree that one needs to have patience. The match will come about at the right time, in the manner it should happen. “I treat every single as if they are my own child. I feel their pain and frustration. And if I’m zoche to be Hashem’s shaliach, I feel their joy as well.”

Mrs. Frieda Betesh

Mrs. Frieda Betesh emphasizes that matchmakers invest in insuring that singles who come to them can trust them, and be honest and open. Frieda has been a matchmaker for 15 years and is one of the founding members of SZ Connect matchmakers’ organization, along with Kelly Sabbagh.

Frieda is involved with all aspects of matchmaking, from overseeing brainstorming meetings between matchmakers, to administrating the SZ Connect database, to finding unique solutions to complex situations with her fellow matchmakers. That’s where Frieda’s experience adds a fresh perspective. Frieda also works on her own matchmaking.

Frieda works with primarily older singles, and hopes to help them find their zivug. The process can be frustrating and difficult, but she is there for everyone who comes to her for help.

When asked about the benefits of using a matchmaker, Frieda states, “When you use a matchmaker there is more of a vetting process, more substance. Even the more modern people who might meet someone on their own ask a matchmaker about that person. It makes them more comfortable. Even if I didn’t set them up, I can coach them through it.” However, if there is one thing she could stress to anyone who is in the process of dating , it would be to“be open minded and flexible- miracles happen. All suggestions for a shidduch come from Hashem. there is a reason for everything.” The matchmakers are just the messengers, and all credit goes to Hashem.

Shirley Mansour

Shirley Mansour has been a matchmaker for 43 years. She got her start by setting up her brother and sister-in-law, then other family members and friends. She became known as “Shirley the matchmaker” and embraced her role after a conversation she had with Hacham Baruch, who told her that she was helping to do Gd’s work. Shirley is motivated to continue her matchmaking. “I hated seeing people alone. I’ve always loved the feeling of matching people,” she said. Shirley was one of the 12 matchmakers in Shaare Zion who worked together to make matches, and she helped to create Sephardic Link. Her goal is to establish trust with the people who come to her, to help them find the person who is right for them. “I feel blessed that I was able to do this for so many years, and I wish to continue to do that.”

Shirley works to gets to know each person beyond the picture. It is important for her that the people who she tries to set up are willing to look beyond the picture as well. “Look at the heart. Beauty can fade, the heart cannot.” She advises everyone, “There has to be a click. The heart is always there. Look at the character, that is not going to change. Hashem will clarify things for them. Keep going until you are sure. Give yourself the gift of being sure. You will know if it’s right or not. Go with your heart. Let Hashem guide your way. Always have bitachon and emunah.” Matchmakers all agree that every match comes from Hashem. Matchmakers are simply the messenger, so listen to the message.

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas

Pikuach Nefesh for a Woman in Labor

Sandra was extremely nervous as her due date fell on Shabbat. “Rabbi, what do I do? How do I get to the hospital on Shabbat? Sammy must come with me – is that okay?”

In the last column, I explained that according to Sephardic poskim,pikuach nefesh (saving a life) should ideally be carried out by Jews rather than non-Jews. Whereas the Ashkenazi minhag is to use a non-Jew or to use a shinui (a modification of the usual practice) whenever possible, if this will not cause any delay or any endangerment to the patient.

ShulchanAruch‘s Ruling on a Yoledet

However, all agree that with a yoledet (a woman in labor), a shinui should be employed whenever possible. As ruled in the Shulchan Aruch (O.C. 330:1): “A woman in labor is considered like a choleh she-yesh bo sakana (a sick person whose life is in danger), and Shabbat should be desecrated for all her needs. One may summon an expert midwife from afar to deliver her baby for her, or even light a candle for her, even if she is blind. Nevertheless, whatever can be performed with a shinui should be done by using a shinui.”

Magid Mishnah’s Explanation

Hacham Ovadia, zt”l,  (Hazon Ovadya, Shabbat Vol.3 p. 333) explains that this is based on the ruling of the Magid Mishnah (Hilchot Shabbat 2:11): From the Rambam’s language, it appears that a choleh she-yesh bo sakana does not require a shinui – only a yoledet does. The Rambam writes, “The rule is that Shabbat regarding a choleh she-yesh bo sakana is like a weekday in all matters.” The reason for this distinction between a yoledet and a choleh she-yesh bo sakana is because the labor pains of a yoledet are part of a natural process, and not even one in a thousand women dies in childbirth. Therefore, the Sages were stringent in requiring a shinui whenever possible for a yoledet, but they were not as stringent for a choleh.

When Is a Shinui Necessary?

Hacham Ovadia (Halachot Olam, Vol. 4, p. 140) explains that a shinui is only necessary when it will not cause any delay or endanger the woman or baby. If there is a risk, a shinui should not be employed. Therefore, when not urgent, it is preferable to go to the hospital with a non-Jewish driver. If this is not possible, a Jewish driver is permitted. Similarly, any preparations that can be made before Shabbat should be done before Shabbat (Hazon Ovadya, Shabbat, Vol. 3, p. 320). However, there is no need to arrange to sleep near the hospital before Shabbat (Halichot Olam, Vol. 4, p. 141).

Permitted Actions During Labor

Sammy can accompany Sandra to the hospital (Hazon Ovadya, ibid). In fact, he should accompany her even if she did not specifically request him to come (Yabia Omer, Vol. 9, OC 108, #179). This will provide her with yishuv hada’at (peace of mind). Even if violations of Shabbat are necessary, they may be permitted due to the principle of yesuvei da’ata – reassuring a woman in labor (Shulchan Aruch, O.C. 330). This is based on the Gemara (Shabbat 128)that allows for actions to calm and reassure a yoledet, ensuring that all her needs are addressed. For example, it may be permissible to switch on a light so that the medical staff can properly see what they are doing (this is allowed even if the woman is blind). Similarly, it is permissible to give her an epidural catheter and administer medications through it (Hazon Ovadya, ibid, p. 322).

Conclusion

In conclusion, a woman in labor is considered to be a case of pikuach nefesh, and Shabbat should be desecrated for all her needs. Sammy can certainly accompany Sandra to the hospital. However, whenever possible, any preparations that can be made before Shabbat should be completed in advance. Additionally, if it will not cause any delay or endangerment, actions should be performed with a shinui or by a non-Jew.Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a recognized expert, lecturer, and author on Medical Halacha. He is the head of the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is “Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome.” To contact Rabbi Finchas, please email [email protected].

Pnina Souid

Responding to Kaddish: An Appeal for Greater Awareness

Dear Fellow Community Members,

I am writing to address an important matter regarding the recitation of Kaddish in our synagogue and our collective response to it.

As we all know, Kaddish holds profound significance in our tradition as a prayer that proclaims the sanctity of Gd’s name. And we also know that some of the Kaddish prayers in the synagogue are recited by mourners during their year of mourning, and on the yahrtzeit, the anniversary of their loved one’s passing.

Our sages teach us about the tremendous spiritual power of responding “amen” to Kaddish, particularly the response of “Amen yehehShemeh Rabah.”The Gemara in Masechet Shabbat (119b) cites Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi’s teaching that answering “Amen yeheh Shemeh Rabah” with full concentration has the power to nullify harsh decrees.

I have observed with concern that some members of our congregation are not consistently responding “amen” at the appropriate points during Kaddish. While we may view this as simply squandering an opportunity to fulfill a mitzvah, I would like to draw attention to a deeper dimension of this matter.

When a mourner is recitingKaddish, he may be experiencing fresh grief or struggling with the pain of the loss, even if he is marking his loved one’s tenth yahrtzeit. Our attentive silence during their recitation and our unified response of “amen”at the appropriate moments express not only our reverence toward Hashem, but also our support and respect for the mourner in our midst.

I therefore respectfully urge our community to maintain attentive silence and respond “amen” with proper kavanah(concentration) during the recitation of Kaddish. Let us ensure that we honor both our obligation to Hashem and our responsibility to comfort and support our fellow congregants in their time of need.

Sincerely, Michael Cohen

Rabbi Zamir Cohen

The throne of King Xerxes (Ahashverosh, or Ahasuerus) was in a city referred to by the Megillah as Shushan, situated in what is today western Iranand known in Farsi by the name Shush, and in English, Susa.

Shushan and “Shushan the Capital”

The Megillah’s references to this city can be more clearly understood in light of archeological findings. The Megillah sometimes speaks of the city simply as “Shushan,” and in other instances, as “Shushan habirah – Shushan the capital.” In Tanach and rabbinic writings, the word “birah” means a high place, a fortress or a palace. (Over the years, this word came to mean “capital city,” the seat of government.) In the Megillah, the expression “Shushan habirah” indicates the area where the king’s palace was located, as noted by the Ibn Ezra (Esther 1:2): “in Shushan habirah – where the palace was.” Today, we would call this area the “Shushan palace,” or the “Shushan fortress.”

Hebrew language expert Abba Ben-David explains:

Shushan had two parts: the city and the fortress. The king’s palace and the surrounding compound was called “Shushan the fortress,” and the rest of the city was called “Shushan the city.” Mordechai would come and go from the city to the royal compound, and from the royal compound to the city. The city was separate from the royal compound.

Shushan the fortress contained the royal palaces, the primary and secondary harems, government buildings, and more. The expression “Shushan habirah” also teaches us that the king’s palace was situated on a high plateau. Indeed, Ahasuerus’ palace in ancient Shushan was built on a high and wide plateau which is still in existence today. The sages in the Talmud (Megillah 15a)tell us that there was an arkuma d’maya (river, or canal) around the Shushan fortress. This detail, too, was discovered in contemporary archeological excavations, as Professor Elia Samuele Artom (1887-1965) explains: “Based on excavations made in the area of ancient Shushan, a river separated the city from the fortress, and the king’s palace was in a high place in the royal compound.”

According to an accepted tradition described by Rabbi Benjamin of Tudela in his book, the grave of the prophet Daniel is in Shushan, in a special edifice that is known even today.

The Splendor of the King’s Palace

The Megillah also presents a detailed description of the king’s palace. These details have been uncovered in archaeological excavations and described by scholars in the field: 

The author of the Megillah was thoroughly acquainted with the Shushan fortress and all the sections of the royal compound, such as the outer courtyard, the inner courtyard, the royal palace, and the pavilion that stood on columns and was open to the inner courtyard, as excavations conducted here by the French rediscovered. (Encyclopedia Hebraica, vol. 5, p. 101)

The Megillah (Esther 1:6) devotes special attention to the king’s orchard, describing the grandeur of the garden grounds: “There were spreads of white, fine cotton, and blue, embroidered with cords of linen and purple on silver rods and marble columns; couches of gold and silver on a pavement of green, white, shell, and onyx marble.” The Persian king surrounded himself with fancy furniture, fine fabrics, and expensive utensils.

This description corresponds to the Greek historian Herodotus’ description of the luxuries with which Ahasuerus surrounded himself. As scholars have noted (Peneh Olam HaMikra, p. 184):

The description in Megilat Ester of silver rods, gold and silver couches, and a large variety of utensils displayed at Ahasuerus’ banquet, fits the description by Herodotus of the numerous silver and gold vessels left behind by the Persians when they fled from the Greeks during the time of Xerxes: “They spread throughout the camp and found tents decorated with gold and silver, beds coated with gold and silver, gold cups and goblets and other drinking vessels.” Herodotus goes on to say that Xerxes’ own home utensils fell into the hands the Greek commander, and they included utensils, beds and tables of gold and silver, just as is described in the Megillah.

The Banquet Without Coercion

“And the drinking was according to law, with no coercion” (Esther 1:8). This means that the king enacted a law that no person would be forced or pressured to drink.

A contemporary person reads this verse and wonders: Is it necessary to legislate a special law against forcing someone to drink wine?

The Midrash explains that before this great banquet, in which King Ahasuerus sought to reach out to the citizens of his kingdom, the king repealed an ancient royal practice that had been such an integral feature of the palace banquets that the king felt compelled to enact a new law to abolish it.

According to the conventional protocol, at the beginning of the banquet, a giant golden cup filled with strong, unprocessed wine was brought to enhance the merriment of the ministers and courtiers. The chief butler was authorized by law to choose several guests from among the kingdom’s dignitaries, and force them to drink a full glass. The goal was to intoxicate these guests and get them to act mindlessly at the banquet, so everyone else would laugh at them and make them the butt of their jokes. The unfortunate individual who was chosen could not refuse, and he had to drink the entire glass even if he would become sick or even die as a result.

In the words of the Midrash (Midrash Esther, 1; Yalkut Shimoni, Esther, 1048):

This was a custom in Persia: They had a huge cup that held 30 shmatziyot [a Persian volume measurement], which was called a pitka. Each person had to drink from it even if he would die or lose his sanity as a result. The one who was the chief butler would be made rich by the attending Persian dignitaries, who would hint to him [not to face them with the large cup during the banquet] and give him several dinars of gold so he would not offer them the drink. Ahasuerus did not bring this cup to his banquet, and said instead that whoever wants to drink can drink.

The meaning of the words in the Megillah, “And the drinking was according to law, with no coercion” is that the drinking was in accordance with the new law, such that no one was coerced to drink.

Archeological excavations conducted in the Achaemenid Empire palaces have unearthed huge gold goblets in strange shapes, and everyone who saw them wondered, what kind of person drinks from such a giant wine goblet? And even if there was a strange person who would do this, he certainly would not be a prominent figure – so why would it be made from gold? It appears that these goblets were used for the cruel practice of Persian kings in their parties, with the exception of this one banquet hosted by Ahasuerus, as our sages report.

The Greek writer Aristophanes, who lived sometime after the end of the Persian era, describes the Persian banquets as follows: “They would force the guests to drink unprocessed, sweet wine from gold cups.” He does not specify the huge size of the gold cups which have recently been unearthed and can be seen by our very eyes. Most likely, as many years had passed since the downfall Persian kingdom, he was not aware of this detail.

Purim is a time when what is normally hidden away gets revealed, and we put aside our external facades for a bit. What is the underlying lesson of this holiday, and why do we celebrate it every year?

Rabbi Yehuda Beyda

Jews don’t have holidays.

That is to say, we don’t simply commemorate historical events with vacations and parties. Jewish history is filled with events both tragic and wonderful, and with very few exceptions, they are hardly even remembered today. Though our calendar is replete with days that are anchored in events from ancient times, none of those are simply commemorative. On Pesah, for instance, we do not merely memorialize the Exodus from Egypt, rather we reaffirm our unique identity as Hashem’s Firstborn. On Shavuotwe rededicate ourselves to the study and upholding of the Torah. And so, it is with every one of our holy days.

An Unusual Holiday

This pattern seems to break when it comes to Purim. We read the Megillah, where we find a long story of hashgaha (Divine intervention) and nes nistar (hidden miracles). A terrible danger was averted in a miraculous fashion, and the nation was saved. We truly have a reason to celebrate. But why celebrate every year? There were other times when the entire nation was in existential danger. Though the very Heavens opened, and the angels’ song wiped away our enemies, we do not commemorate the destruction of Sanheriv’s armies, for example. What was unique about the miracle of Purim that deserved a permanent entry into the Jewish calendar?

Turnabout Is Fair Play

Perhaps the most unique aspect of the miracle of Purim was the large number of reversals that occurred. Being taken by force to live with a non-Jew was a personal tragedy for Esther the tzadeket that turned into a national salvation. Haman’s oversized ego caused him to build the oversized gallows. His ego was partly to blame for his getting strung up on those same gallows. The appointment of Mordechai the Torah Sage to adjudicate Persian disputes at the king’s gate turned into an opportunity for him to uncover Bigtan and Teresh’s assassination plot. And there were many other such instances of “v’nahafoch hu,” complete turnabouts, culminating in the greatest reversal of them all – Haman’s mobilization of the anti-Semitic army gave rise to its own annihilation. The story of the Megillah is woven throughout with the “v’nahafoch hu” theme.

Let us examine this a bit more. The Gemara (Megillah 12a) gives two reasons that we deserved Haman’s decree of annihilation. The first was in the days of Nebuchadnezzar. The king erected a gigantic statue of himself and declared that all his subjects must pay him homage by coming and bowing to his image. The vast majority of Jews in that time decided to obey the king’s decree rather than provoke his anger. They felt it was better to just try to blend in. By doing so, Hashem’s anger was provoked, instead.

The second event that brought down Heavenly judgment was recorded at the start of the Megillah. King Ahashverosh threw a lavish 180-day party, with all of Shushan invited. The Jews of the city, not wanting to be left out, came and enjoyed – against the express warnings of Mordechai. Hashem saw us feasting while the king (erroneously) celebrated the end to Jewish hopes and decreed that we be wiped out.

The common thread between these two events is that we chose to go along with the Gentiles, to blend in and be good citizens. We just wanted to get along with our new neighbors and show the government that we will not be any trouble. And that is exactly what nearly brought calamity.

The Purpose of Galut

Hashem tells us through the words of the prophet (Yehezkel 20: 32-33), “This that you imagine, that you will (now that the Bet Hamikdash was destroyed) become like one of the other nations, will not be. Rather I will rule over you with power and with fury.” After we were exiled from our land, many among us believed that it meant the end of the Jewish Nation as the unique ambassadors of Hashem in this world. We felt that it was time to fade into the background and become a nation like all the others. So, we bowed to the idol. We attended the party. We became just one more nation. Hashem, however, would not tolerate that.

The Midrash(Esther Rabbah 6:7) states, “Hashem said to the Jews: you wept that you were orphans with no father (Eicha 5:3), therefore the one whom I will choose to deliver you [Esther] will have no parents.” The choice of an orphan to be the one to bring deliverance was specifically meant as a rebuke to our statement that “we have no Father.” Even when cast out of our land, our Temple in ruins, we always have our Father in Heaven. The purpose of Galut was not to cast us away, but to teach us this lesson precisely.

Our identity as Hashem’s personal representatives is not tied to any place or time. We do not need to be in Hashem’s house in order to spread awareness of His existence. We can be at the opposite end of the world, deep in the Persian Empire, and still live lives of holiness. When we tried to blend in, Hashem sent us the decree of Haman, which singled out every Jew and targeted him for destruction. Hashem was ruling over us with power and fury, as promised.

Message Received

Rabbi Shlomo Alkabetz explains in Manot Halevi (Esther 8:17) that the rejoicing of the Jews when hearing word of their deliverance was tied to their mourning that occurred earlier in the story. Earlier (4:3) it states that “there was great mourning for the Jews,” and at the end it says “happiness and rejoicing for the Jews.” The evil decree was targeted at Jews. As such, we could have “renounced our citizenship” completely and given up our Jewish identity. It might have saved us from annihilation. Instead, we mourned as Jews. We took to heart the message that Hashem sent us and doubled down on our Jewish identity. Then we merited the salvation, and were privileged to rejoice again in our Jewishness.

By highlighting our Jewishness rather than hiding it, we achieved complete teshuva for the previous errors of trying to blend in. We got the message that our job is far from over, and we rededicated ourselves to keeping the Torah even without the Temple. That was how we merited the miracle of v’nahafoch hu – the roles reversed and the persecuted were able to rule over their oppressors (Esther 9:1).

The Lasting Impact

Now we see the unique lasting power of Purim. We are not merely celebrating a miraculous deliverance. Purim does not just commemorate a national victory. Purim was a turning point in our history – just like the events marked by all the other holidays. During the Purim story was when we fully realized the unique mission of the Jewish Nation. Even dispersed among the nations, we do not lose our national identity or our national mission. It is our job to hold our heads high and to proudly show our Jewishness. We do not pay homage to the frivolities of the other nations, and we do not join in their empty celebrations. We follow a different Leader, and it is our job to light the way for others.

May we all be zoche to carry out our mission with clarity and with pride, and to live a life as true emissaries of Hashem. In that merit, we will be able to return to our Land and to our home.