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Facilitating the Healing Process: A Guide for Shiva Visits

Our community is blessed with many opportunities – and an exceptional ability – to get together and interact with people. We frequently attend semahot, sebets, fundraisers, kiddushim in shul, and other festive events with an upbeat, energetic atmosphere, where laughter abounds and multiple conversations take place simultaneously.  

 

Understandably, then, we often find ourselves running into some trouble when we bring our “social butterfly” selves into a house of mourning. I have heard both mourners and family members helping at a shiva house observe that although everyone means well, and nobody intends to speak inappropriately or disrespectfully, there seems to be a lack of understanding about the proper way to conduct oneself while paying a shiva call. Let us, then, try to acquaint ourselves with the concept of mourning and the visitor’s role in this process. 

 

The week of shiva is designed to help mourners by providing them with a period of spiritual and emotional healing, which is facilitated through an environment of comfort and community support.  

 

Not surprisingly, modern psychologists have recently come to the same conclusions as our Jewish tradition – that healing from a loss takes time and requires communal support. Psychiatrist Dr. Jorge Casariego explains that “psychologically, it is imperative that a mourner experiences a gradual process of disengagement from the image of the deceased. Producing happy memories about the departed helps the mourner to forget the image of their loved ones in their weakened state and reminds them of a robust, multi-dimensional influence on their life.”  

 

Speaking and hearing about their loved one enables mourners to undergo this critically important psychological process. How can our visit assist the mourner along this difficult, painful road to emotional recovery?  

 

It’s Not About You 

 

First and foremost, we must remember that our visit is about the mourner, and not about us.  The Talmud teaches that the funeral is for the deceased and the shiva is for the mourners. When the funeral is over, our attention shifts from the mitzvah of accompanying the dead to the mitzvah of comforting the living – and this must be our point of focus when we visit. Rabbi Aryeh Markman, executive director of Aish Los Angeles, suggests, “When you come to visit, remember that it is for the benefit of the mourner. This is the last place on earth you want to talk about yourself, as interesting as you may be. It takes tremendous psychic energy for the mourner to entertain your ego.”      

 

Contrary to usual interactions, visitors should typically avoid initiating conversations during a shiva call. Visitors should generally listen and offer support only when engaged. It is important to remember that the purpose of the shiva is to comfort mourners and allow the family to grieve. Therefore, visitors making a shiva call should be attentive to the needs of the mourners and to the atmosphere in the shiva house. The fitting topic of conversation for a shiva is the deceased.  If you have a story about the deceased, or if the deceased did something meaningful for you, then share it. Those stories are comforting to most mourners. Ask to see pictures of the deceased’s life. Ask the mourner to describe the deceased’s finest hour. Ask what the deceased would want to be remembered for, and how the mourners will remember him. 

 

Timing 

 

Another area where we need improvement is with regard to the timing and length of our visits.   

 

Our community is not known for promptness – to put it mildly – and invitation times are often seen as a suggestion. No matter how many times we see the word “promptly” on an invitation, we live by organic time and show up when it’s convenient for us, not when we are requested to arrive.  Unfortunately, this spills over into our shiva visits, as well. Virtually every shiva house has a sign posted on the front door, requesting that no visitors come after 9pm or so, and yet mourners have shared that visitors were coming until 10pm. We need to respect the mourners’ wishes and visit only during the times they request. If a visitor realizes upon arriving that this is not one of the visiting hours, then he should leave a note or send a message, rather than enter the home. Remember, visiting a house of mourning is about comforting the mourner, and if the mourner specified visiting hours, then visiting at other times does not provide any comfort at all. 

 

The shiva process is often lengthy and tiring for the mourners; visitors should be mindful not to overstay their welcome. In the past, mourners would nod their heads to indicate when it was time for visitors to leave (Moed Katan 27b). Nowadays, one must be sensitive to the mourner’s state of mind and understand when he wants visitors to leave so he can have rest and privacy (Aruch Hashulhan, Y.D. 376:3). Visits should generally be kept short; 15-20 minutes are sufficient for most shiva calls.  

 

Another consideration is mealtimes.  Our community excels at hospitality; when people enter our home, we feel an obligation to greet them and engage with them so they feel comfortable and welcome. I have seen so many instances where mourners did not finish their meal or did not even begin their meal because visitors arrived and were waiting to see them. We as a community have to do better in this regard. The shiva week is a sacred period of healing for the mourners, and this process necessitates their tending to their physical needs, getting enough rest and eating properly. We owe it to them to ensure that our visits do not come at the expense of their comfort or nourishment. 

 

My “Not-Shiva” Story 

 

When my father, Meyer J. Kassin, a”h, passed away on Erev Pesach, 2015 in Florida, my family had to quickly – and frantically – make some very difficult decisions. The combination of the timing (right before Yom Tov), and the logistical challenge of a burial in Israel, made for a complicated situation. My mother, my siblings, and I all wanted to get my father, a”h, to his final resting place as quickly and respectfully as possible. This entailed escorting him to the cargo section of Ft. Lauderdale airport for his trip to NY and then Israel.  

 

Next, one of my sisters, who was returning to New Jersey to spend Pesach with her family, needed to be driven to the commuter side of the airport, and the keriah (tearing of the garment) had to be done before she left. We parked the car and hurried through the airport looking for a spot to perform the keriah for her.  At some point, I realized that we could get arrested for running through the airport with a weapon – the pocketknife I had brought along for ripping – and so we went back outside, and I performed the keriah for her on the sidewalk in front of the terminal.   

 

I then drove back to the cargo section to get my husband, who was reluctant to leave my dad alone, and he drove us back to my mom’s apartment which miraculously – thanks to my daughter and her mother-in-law – was set up for shiva. We swallowed down a hard-boiled egg and some egg matza (not recommended), sat for an hour greeting guests (wondering how they had heard about this…), got up, showered, and returned to my mom’s home where – again, miraculously – everything was back in order and set for a Pesach seder (still not sure who did that). Needless to say, we were all a bit shell-shocked. There was no additional formal mourning, because the onset of Yom Tov ends the observance of shiva 

 

A month later, we flew to Israel for the sheloshim. During our stay in Israel, my consuegra, the one who had set up my mom’s house for shiva, lost her father. I went to pay a shiva call, and I found myself feeling envious, a strange feeling to have in a shiva house. I envied my consuegra’s ability to talk about her father, to embrace his memory and to share the pain of his loss, something my siblings, my mom and I were not able to do.  

 

Eight years later, I still feel the need to tell my “not shiva” story. Anyone I speak to who had the same experience, of a shiva cut short by a holiday, expresses similar feelings.  At the same time, however, we all acknowledge how the numerous emails and cards we received, telling us about how special our loved one was and how they had touched the sender, provided a great deal of comfort.  Although we didn’t have a steady stream of visitors for a whole week, the opportunity to hear about our loved one was truly meaningful. 

 

I share this to help all of us remember the fundamental purpose of shiva and the proper behavior when visiting. Come at the right time, and don’t stay too long. Sit quietly. Let the mourners initiate, and follow their lead. Let them dictate the subject, tenor and flow of the conversation. If you listen carefully, you will know exactly what to say. Your presence, your silence, and your empathy are enough.   

 

May we always meet at happy occasions.

Saudi-Iran Deal Has Hidden Benefits for Israel

On March 10, the Chinese government brokered a deal between Iran and Saudi Arabia to resume full diplomatic relations. The two countries agreed to reopen their borders for visits, and will cooperate to reboot security arrangements. The Saudis agreed to allow in more Iranians to celebrate the Hajj, and both countries agreed to reopen their respective embassies.  

 

In addition to providing a perceived diplomatic coup for China, what are the implications and impact for the region? And most importantly – how will this deal this affect Israel? 

 

Will Saudi Arabia continue to look at Tehran suspiciously, both as a regional threat, and a burgeoning nuclear power? Or, has Israel lost a sympathetic ear inside the Saudi kingdom? 

 

The Backstory to the Deal 

 

Often, diplomatic gestures that seem absurd on the surface have good justification beneath the surface. And this is one example, according to Rafael Castro, a Middle East political analyst. In a recent Honest Reporting podcast he noted, “Saudi Arabia wants to secure China as an ally, to restrain Iran, realizing that the United States possibly won’t intervene to stop a nuclear program.” This was a subtle jab at U.S. president Joe Biden, who many feel has been careless on the Iran file.  

 

This chess move from the Saudis comes in preparation of a foreseeable peace deal with Israel.  

 

Saudi-Israel Reconciliation 

 

There have already been small steps of reconciliation. Last summer, Saudi Arabia opened its airspace to Israel, meaning less fly-time to and from certain destinations. Moreover, an Israeli delegation participated at a Riyadh-hosted video-gaming tournament in July. Furthermore, in early 2024, the Saudis will be reopening the city of Khaybar (also called Hibura) for tourists. This is where the area’s last remaining Jewish settlement was, before the Islamic prophet Mohammed’s armies invaded and razed the Jewish communities,  nearly 1,400 years ago. Currently, there is an estimated 3,000-strong Jewish community in the kingdom. 

 

A July 9 Reuters report by Steve Holland and Doina Chiacu noted that president Biden is working with the Saudis on better relations with Israel. “So, we’re making progress in the region. And it depends upon the conduct, and what is asked of us for them to recognize Israel,” Biden said in an interview. “Quite frankly, I don’t think they [the Saudis] have much of a problem with Israel.” 

 

In a June 13 Le Monde article called “Normalization with Israel: Saudi Arabia shows signs of openness,” the author wrote: “Normalization … was at the heart of U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken’s visit to Riyadh from June 6 to 8.”  

“It’s quite clear that we believe that normalization [with Israel] is in the interest of the region, that it would bring significant benefits to all,” said Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Faisal bin Farhan. The creation of a Palestinian state within the 1967 borders would no longer be a prerequisite for Saudi normalization with Israel, the report added. 

One Israeli representative said lately that it is inevitable that the Saudis and the Jewish State will have rapprochement.  

“Ultimately, we want to reach a state of full relations – meaning cooperation on economic matters, intelligence, tourism, flights, et cetera – and I reckon this will happen sooner or later,” Israel’s Foreign Minister Eli Cohen told Israel’s Army Radio in June. 

Insurance Policy  

However, when peace is sealed between the two nations, Saudi Arabia knows it will become Iran’s new target – as the kingdom becomes a friend to Iran’s enemy, Israel. Thus, the new Saudi-Iran memorandum serves as a pre-emptive insurance policy against Iran targeting Saudi Arabia, Castro said in an article for the Besa Center in April 2023 called “How Saudi-Iranian Reconciliation Aids Israel”:   

“[…an Iranian attack on Saudi Arabia would] demonstrate to the international community that it is [not only] a treacherous enemy, but that it is a treacherous ally – indeed, that no nation, friend or foe, is shielded from its wanton aggression.”  

 

 

A Sign of the Times 

A Saudi diplomat, who wished to be quoted anonymously, asserted that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has liberalized in the past few years, and will continue to liberalize. This, he says, is driven mostly by the young royals who reject fundamentalism, and who see the benefits of modernization. Many well-known American franchises have opened in Saudi Arabia, which is a sign of Saudi’s Westernization. Today authorities are cracking down on extremism, women are permitted to drive, and locals are taking an interest in American culture and style. The kingdom in the past few years has begun to open itself up for global tourism. 

If all goes well, Saudi Arabia, with its new openness to reach a deal with Israel, could be a signatory in 2024 to the Abraham Accords, joining Morocco, UAE, Bahrain, and Sudan.  

Dear Jido – August 2023

Dear Jido, 

I have two grandchildren that live in Israel. I have not seen them in many years.  One is 17 and the other is 15 years of age.  

I have sent them money for birthdays and holidays and receive thank-you emails. But, I never hear from them in between.  

Two months ago, I sent them each a jigsaw puzzle as a gift. I never heard from either of them. Then, last week, I received a small gift from their mother (my daughter-in-law) for my birthday. I sent a thank-you email and she mentioned in her reply that her kids had no patience or space for puzzles. 

Is this the new norm? If you don’t like a gift, you don’t thank the giver? The next birthday comes up in a few months. I feel that sending an email or an e-card would be enough, or maybe I should just stop reaching out altogether?  

I am in my early 80s. Am I just too old to understand the new conduct codes of today’s world? 

Signed, 

Fed-up Grandpa 

Dear Jido, 

My wife of 42 years doesn’t enjoy spending time with our grandchildren, ages seven and five. She’s always correcting their behavior and gets very upset while they’re visiting. 

I enjoy my grandchildren very much and love my relationship with them. They spend a weekend at our house every few weeks. Living two hours away from us, day trips aren’t feasible. 

While I look forward to their visits – she looks forward to them leaving.  The situation is causing shalom bayit difficulties. How can we resolve this? 

Signed, 

 

Divided Grandparents 

 

 

Dear Grandparents Wherever You Are, 

 

Two different perspectives – first a grandfather longing for a relationship with his overseas grandchildren and second – a grandmother who would rather not.  

 

For those of us who have reached this stage of life, we can, at certain times, identify with either emotion. After all, what do grandchildren bring when they come over? Mess, whining, cuddles, hugs, wasted food, screaming, parasha sheets, singing, mess (oh, I said that already), excitement, ingratitude, and hugs (said that one, too). 

 

And what do grandparents provide for the next generation? Acceptance, love, stability, Sunday trips, support, cookies, candy, and cake. What’s the message they get from us? You’re loved, it’s okay to make mistakes, we’re proud of you, you can always talk to me, you can do it, and values. 

 

It’s very natural for grandchildren, especially in this generation, between the ages of ten and eighteen, to lose interest in being with the older generation. It’s fun to hear about life in Bensonhurst or what it was like growing up in Halab. Once. It’s a lot more fun texting with their friends and playing games on their tablets. However, every major study has shown the importance of grandparents in the lives of their grandchildren. The life lessons they provide – by example – build a child’s confidence, stability, value system, and emotional well-being.  

 

So make the effort. FaceTime call with them. Send more gifts unannounced – sketch ones or real. Plan a trip if you can or invite them here. Ignore the mess, don’t listen to the whining. It’s your job to do the best you can to spoil them rotten. You will all benefit from the relationship.  

 

As the saying goes, “If I knew how much fun grandchildren are, I would have had them first.” 

 

Enjoy! 

 

Jido 

The Case – A Handshake

Henry and Gladys, an elderly couple, finally consented to selling their home to their next-door neighbor, Bobby. For years, Bobby persistently knocked on the old couple’s door attempting to persuade them to sell him their home. On that day, Bobby shook hands with Henry and Gladys and finalized a verbal commitment to purchase their home for 2.2 million dollars. Henry called his lawyer to draw up a contract, and thereafter he notified his only son of the news. Henry’s son told his father that since Bobby’s last offer over 18 months ago the value of the property had appreciated substantially. Henry’s son was appalled with Bobby’s conduct, complaining that Bobby had no right to take advantage of his parents’ age and innocence. When Bobby heard of the son’s involvement, he explained to Henry that they shook on the deal and that it is immoral for him to renege on his word. The parties approached are Bet Din seeking a ruling whether Henry is ethically required to sell his home for the price they agreed upon or not.  

How should the Bet Din rule and why? 

 

Torah Law 

According to the rule of the Shulhan Aruch, one who gives his word to complete a transaction is ethically required to perform as verbally agreed upon. This moral obligation is further confirmed when a handshake is added to the commitment. One’s moral obligation to keep his word is even in place in the event of a standard price fluctuation in the market. One who reneges on his word is viewed and labeled by our sages as an untrustworthy individual. Although in the absence of a signed contract a sale is not enforceable, nevertheless, one who reneges on his word is not only frowned upon by a Bet Din, but also severely taints his reputation in the market.   

The above ruling is consistent with the view of the Shulhan Aruch and is thus customarily practiced by Sephardic Jewish communities worldwide. Notwithstanding, some Ashkenazic halachic authorities permit reneging on one’s word in the event of a price fluctuation. However, even in Ashkenazic communities, the common practice is to rule with stringency since several of their leading halachic authorities conform to the opinion of the Shulhan Aruch on the matter. 

In instances in which either a buyer or seller mislead or manipulate one another in their business dealings, the above ruling is clearly subject to change. While it is a moral obligation to keep one’s word, in the event of deception or manipulation one is entitled to renege on a verbal commitment. Hence, if a Bet Din highly suspects that a buyer was aware of the innocence of the seller and that he manipulated him to sell below market price, the seller is entitled to renege without consequence. Since one’s word does not constitute a binding enforceable agreement, a victim can renege on his word when he is deceived. Keeping one’s word is only an ethical and moral obligation recorded by the Shulhan Aruch when both parties are dealing honestly. If, however, one’s counterpart is manipulative, no moral obligation is imposed on the victim. 

Interestingly, a discussion between leading halachic authorities exists in the instance in which one gave his word to finalize a deal, and thereafter, before the signing of the contract, a drastic change in market price occurred. Some halachic authorities rule that in the event of drastic change or any extenuating circumstance, one is entitled to renege on one’s word.  Whether or not a circumstance is considered extenuating is subject to the review and evaluation of a Bet Din. 

Furthermore, even when not misled, an elderly couple should not be held responsible for their lack of ability to discern market value with accuracy. A certain measure of leniency is to be extended to the elderly or mentally impaired in such instances.  

 

VERDICT:  A Way Out 

Our Bet Din ruled in favor of Henry and Gladys by allowing them to renege on their word. For the reasons mentioned in Torah law, Henry and Gladys are not even ethically required to sell Bobby their home for the amount they verbally agreed upon. Since Bobby evidently exploited the age and innocence of the elderly couple, no moral obligation exists to keep their word or handshake.  

Furthermore, many Ashkenazic halachic authorities permit reneging on one’s word when there is a fluctuation in market price before signing, let alone if there is a drastic change in price. Henry and Gladys are of Ashkenazic origin and the true market value of their property is drastically higher than the agreed upon 2.2-million-dollar agreement.  

Additionally, even if the elderly couple were not misled, they should not be held responsible for their inability to discern the market value of their home with accuracy. In such cases, leniency can be extended to the elderly or mentally impaired.  

In Loving Memory of Vera Bat Carol, A”H 

YOU BE THE JUDGE 

Panama Jack 

Yaakov serves as an assistant rabbi of a prominent organization in Netanya, Israel. The head of the organization suggested to Yaakov that he travel to Panama City to raise funds for the organization, as they wished to launch the opening of a yeshiva high school. Yaakov complied and spent two weeks in Panama raising a total of $15,000 for the cause, in addition to collecting a $5,000 deposit towards the dedication of a sefer Torah donated to the organization by a member of the Panamanian community. As customary, Yaakov cashed the checks he received in Panama before leaving and he placed the money in his carry-on bag. The plane made a layover for refueling, allowing passengers to get on and off before continuing to its final destination. Yaakov spent the entire layover sleeping in an empty row, two rows behind his seat. When the plane prepared for takeoff Yaakov returned to his seat, but first checked for his carry-on bag in the overhead stowage bin. Unfortunately, his bag with the twenty thousand dollars cash was missing, not to mention his tefillin and other personal belongings that were also in the bag. Apparently, one of the passengers stole the bag as they disembarked during the layover. Upon arrival in Israel our Bet Din was confronted with the obvious dilemma of whether Yaakov is personally liable for the loss of the funds.  

How should the Bet Din rule and why? 

 

 

Spotlight on Mental Health – Unmasking Anger

Dr. Yossi Shafer 

 

We’ve established that anger does exist, but not as a primary emotion.  Rather, anger is a response, a coping mechanism to override the painful primary emotion. Put simply, anger is a protective measure that cloaks what we’re really feeling: abandoned, unloved, worthless, ashamed, or guilty, among other feelings. 

This awareness can be lifechanging in virtually every area of life. When you learn to look beyond anger, you gain profound insight into what lies beneath it. Rather than attempting to overcome the symptom (anger), you’ll begin identifying and eradicating the root cause. 

Three of the major relationships affected by anger are spousal, employee/employer, and parental. Imagine these scenarios: 

In Marriage 

Linda has had a rough day. She argued with her sister, her mother guilted her for not visiting on Shabbat, her client was disappointed with her work, the kids misbehaved all day, and her fancy dessert just flopped. At the end of the day, she vents to her husband, Joey.  

Now Joey’s a logical thinker who automatically offers solutions to Linda’s tale of woe. Your sister will get over it. Go visit Mom tomorrow. One disappointed client is fine, he’s too picky. Next time give the kids some extra screen time. Maybe frosting will help? 

Joey is pleased with his good-husband skills. But, shockingly, Linda turns her fury on him. Don’t you think I know all that? Why do you always do this? Do you think I’m a total idiot? 

Feeling rejected and hurt, Joey returns the anger. Well, excuse me for trying to help. If you’re so smart, why do you even tell me all this? 

What both spouses need here is to explore and express what they’re really feeling. This takes vulnerability and openness, which can be scary but will pay off. Linda needs to share that she wants someone to listen and validate her feelings – without problem-solving – instead of misdirecting her frustration and overwhelm onto Joey, and Joey needs to react with the stinging hurt that he’s feeling (hey, that’s hurtful, I was just trying to help) rather than with anger. Bonus points if he can recognize that she’s reacting from a place of pain! 

In the Workplace 

Tensions ran high at Max’s office today. The boss chewed him out for taking a lunch break, a coworker called him a moron for making a rookie mistake, another coworker is upset that he’s not pulling his weight on a joint project, and the secretary keeps asking him to do things outside of his job description.  

So when he finds himself teetering on the brink of road rage on the way home, snapping at his kids, and writing snarky passive-aggressive responses to emails, he realizes it’s time to take a look at what’s really driving his anger. 

I feel like the boss is always out to get me. Coworker #1 is a bully. Coworker #2 doesn’t listen to me; it feels like what I say doesn’t matter. The secretary is taking advantage of my people-pleasing tendencies. 

When Max gets in touch with these underlying emotions, he can effectively deal with them and their fallout. 

I’m insulted that he called me a moron, but I know I’m not a moron. Clearly he had a bad day. 

The boss yells at everyone when he’s stressed. Why am I taking it personally? 

I need to clearly lay out boundaries with my project collaborator and the secretary before this gets out of hand. 

Once he reframes, he can handle the workplace stresses. 

As a Parent 

Bedtime is endless tonight in Rose’s house. Eli keeps popping out of bed, disturbing his siblings, and getting increasingly wilder. An hour after lights-out, he’s bouncing off the walls, his brother is crying, and Rose hasn’t accomplished anything. 

When the baby – who finally fell asleep – wakes up from Eli’s antics, Rose loses it. 

She manhandles Eli into bed, threatens everything that he loves, and slams the door. Three minutes later, three kids (and their mom) are crying as Rose collapses on the couch in a fit of shame. Why am I feeling so guilty? He doesn’t listen until I get mad.  

When a parent reacts angrily, it’s about the parent, not the child. To avoid the out-of-control angry response, Rose needs to tune in to herself: his actions make me feel powerless, disrespected, annoyed, like a bad parent. When she shifts her mindset to recognize her true emotions, she can employ parenting tactics that will work without leaving her with post-anger guilt. 

Next month, we’ll discuss how to respond to others’ anger. 

 

 

Dr. Yossi Shafer, PhD is the clinical director and a clinical psychologist at Empower Health Center, a private practice of multispecialty psychotherapists. They have offices in Deal/Long Branch and Lakewood and can be reached at (732) 666-9898 or office@empowerhealthcenter.net

The New Mortgage Fee Structure

Many headlines circled the internet regarding new mortgage guidelines implemented by the Federal Housing Finance Agency (FHFA), which were pushed by the Biden Administration. FHFA fees, also called loan level pricing adjustment (LLPA) fees, have been part of a conventional loan lending since 2008, and are designed to ensure the “stability and soundness” of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, two U.S. government-sponsored mortgage companies.  Many mistakenly think that the new mortgage guidelines will result in consumers with higher credit scores ending up paying more on their mortgage than consumers with a lower credit score.  This is not the case.  

 

The new mortgage rules went into effect May 1st. Higher credit scores will still give you better mortgage rates.  However, the gap is narrowing and the government is making rates for those with good scores worse than they were previously, and the rates for those with poor scores are slightly better. 

 

In my opinion, those with good credit scores are paying the price and narrowing the gap for those with bad credit scores. BUT don’t be tricked into thinking that bad credit scores pay off! 

 

First Things First 

 

It’s not true that someone with a lower credit score will pay less on their mortgage than someone with a higher credit score.  There is absolutely no case in which someone with a lower credit score will pay less than someone with a higher credit score. 

 

So What Changed? 

 

The new LLPA (Loan Level Price Adjustment) guidelines reduce the gap between consumers with high credit scores and consumers with lower credit scores. 

The guidelines reduce the gap by raising the rates for those with high credit scores and lowering the rates for consumers with low credit scores.  So, this reduces the gap between the two.  But the end result is still that the higher credit score gets the better rate, just the difference is smaller.  

 

For example, let’s use a $500k mortgage on a $625k purchase price. A consumer with a 640-credit score with the old rates would pay 7.6 percent interest.  With the new rates, they pay only 7.3 percent. 

 

Using the same scenario, a consumer with a 740-mortgage score with the old rates would pay only 6.3 percent interest but with the new rates that consumer’s interest rate will be raised to 6.6 percent.  

So, the buyer with the 740-credit score is paying more than he/she used to, but they are still paying much less than the buyer with the 640-credit score (6.6 percent versus 7.3 percent). 

 

Why Are They Making These Changes? 

 

These changes are part of a government initiative to make homeownership more affordable to underserved communities and first-time homebuyers. I think that the Biden administration wants to close the racial homeownership gap and bring more low-income buyers to the home buying market.  Their thinking is that low-income consumers usually have lower credit scores, so lowering their rates and offsetting the loss by having consumers with high credit scores pay higher rates will help them. 

However, I think this is extremely unfair to the consumers who worked hard to build their credit and now they must pay a higher interest rate in order to offset the loss from higher risk borrowers with low credit scores. 

 

Where It Is Getting Better 

 

Two-Four-unit property:  Buyers used to pay higher interest rates for a two-four- unit apartment than for a single unit.  Now buyers will pay for a two-four-unit the same rate as for a single – this is a great help for many investors. 

Putting a bigger down payment: Putting down a bigger down payment always helped your interest rate, but now it will help more than ever, especially for consumers with low credit scores.  The difference in interest rates will now be more significant when putting down a bigger down payment (unless you put down as little as five percent, then the adjustment shockingly becomes better!  However, it is important to consult your mortgage lender about the other implications a larger loan can mean). 

Basically, the difference in interest rates for someone with a high credit score and someone with a low credit score is now less than it used to be, but someone with a high credit score still gets better rates than someone with a low credit score. 

 

New Seventh and Eighth Grade Yeshiva League is a Big Hit

 Ezra C. Sultan 

The dream of forming one of the most anticipated yeshiva leagues in years, for seventh and eighth graders, has come to fruition! The league just completed its first exciting season. 

Action From the Start

At the start of the season Magen David Yeshivah, led by Coaches Ezra Sultan and Richie Mizrachi, came out of the gate on fire and finished with a perfect 6-0 record.  

Closely following was a very strong YDE squad, led by coaches Sammy Esses and Max Antar, who boasted a 5-1 record.

The 6-0 MDY Warriors battled HALB in the semi-finals. The other semi-final matchup featured the 5-1 YDE Thunder vs. the 2-3 Barkai Suns. Barkai Yeshivah pulled off a major upset, knocking out YDE in an absolute stunner, 4-3, to advance to the World Series.

Later that day, MDY wowed the fans by decimating  HALB with a stunning 12-0 victory, which advanced MDY to the World Series. 

 

World Series Game – Fans Go Wild

Fans packed in by the hundreds anxiously waiting to watch this highly-anticipated matchup. The crowd got out of their seats as they wildly cheered on their teams. 

The MDY Warriors roster included pitcher Charles Sultan, 3B Abie Antar, SS Leon Franco, 2B Eddie Massre,1B Morris Kredi, SCF Isaac Mizrahi, LF Marshall Levy, CF David Abadi, RF Stephen Zekaria, catcher Joshua Ovadia, and DH Isaac Hazan 

The Barkai Suns roster featured pitcher Joe Dweck, 1B Marvin Fallack, 2B Albert Salman, SS Richie Mishaan, 3B Sammy Shammah, SCF Benny Mizrahi, LF Jeremy Sakkal, CF Sam Salem, and RF Solomon Cohen.

The game got off to an exciting start. In the top of the first, Marvin Fallack from Barkai hit a line drive double to drive in the game’s first run and put his team up 1-0.

MDY answered back in the bottom half of the inning. A blistering double off the bat of the speedy lead-off hitter Eddie Massre followed by a frozen rope in the gap by pitcher Charles Sultan knotted the game at 1-1.

In the fourth inning, the MDY Warriors took a 2-1 lead after Joshua Ovadia smoked a double to left scoring David Abadi. 

In the top of the seventh inning, Barkai had two men on base with two outs while trailing by one run. Up stepped Marvin Fallack to the plate.

Fallack waved his bat with bravado, putting fear into the MDY fans, who were nervously counting the outs, shouting, “One more out!” Suddenly, MDY coaches called a timeout for a meeting on the mound. 

 

A Risky Tactic 

The Warriors defense gathered for a quick huddle. They decided to intentionally walk Fallack to load the bases with the game on the line! Now, even a walk would tie the game and a single might even give Barkai the lead!

What a gutsy call by the Warriors coaching staff, which showed their full trust in their all-star pitcher and defense. But would this work? 

Their bold plan worked to perfection! The next Barkai batter struck out, to end the game stranding the bases loaded. 

 

Kudos to the MDY Champs 

MDY earned the title of undefeated champions! Their legacy will live on as the first-ever champions of the MJDSBL Seventh-Eighth Grade Softball League inaugural season. 

Congratulations to both teams on a wonderful season!

The Ninth Annual Hatzalah Carnival

Rivka Schmool 

 

 

Summers in Deal are the best! And the highlight of the summer for the past nine years is the much anticipated annual Hatzalah of the Jersey Shore Carnival. This year the fun will commence at the JCC on August 6th 

 

Hatzalah of the Jersey Shore does so much for the Jewish community, with EMTs on call 24/7. This carnival is a great way to show appreciation to our local heroes!  

 

Fun for All 

 

The carnival is shaping up to be quite the event, thanks to a team of hardworking volunteers. With rides appropriate for toddlers to teenagers, nobody will be bored! Hang on to your hats for the rollercoasters, dunk tanks, carousels, and more. Children especially love the petting zoo, which will include pony rides! Take your chances on a huge selection of carnival games, with prizes of all kinds. No participant will leave empty handed. If you play, you get to select a toy.  

 

The carnival will also feature ambulance tours, giving community members a chance to see up close how the EMTs work inside the ambulances.  Enjoy a delicious BBQ complete with hot dogs, hamburgers, French fries, and all the works! And you can snack on popcorn, cotton candy, Italian ices, and more.  

 

Hatzalah’s Summer Tips 

 

To an EMT there is no greater feeling than that of saving a life and seeing people who they helped living a full and happy life. Of course, since Hatzalah volunteers would rather see every one safe and healthy, they would like to offer some tips on how to prevent life threatening emergencies.  

 

  • Put your local Hatzalah phone number by every pool, and make sure to have the address of the pool visible from the street.  
  • Make sure to keep hydrated when enjoying the beautiful weather!  
  • Make sure bike helmets are worn whenever your child is riding their bike, scooter, hoverboard, etc.  

 

One of the best ways to be able to help when someone is in danger, especially during the summer months when we spend more time outside in the heat and around pools, is to get certified in CPR.  

 

The 9th annual Hatzalah carnival is a day to be spent with family and friends, have a great time, and learn about the organization that helps our community so much. People come from all over NJ and NY to experience the day of fun and ahdut. There’s never a boring minute at the carnival, with games, rides, food, and more! It’s certainly not a day to be missed! Sunday, August 6th, at the JCC in Deal, NJ.  

 

We’ll be there!

Over-the-Top Birthday Parties

Frieda Schweky 

 

I’d like to start off by reintroducing myself. My name is Frieda Schweky, and I’m a wife, mom, photographer, and part-time writer. Although my work life mainly consists of photoshoots and events, I like to write this monthly column to help keep a pulse on the community I’m living in and servicing. Each month, I, along with the help of my Instagram following, have been choosing a light or semi-light hot topic for this column. Then I use my social media platform (again) to crowd-source different opinions on the month’s chosen topic. Now, let’s get into it: 

I don’t know if I could pinpoint exactly when birthday parties started getting so “extra,” but I’d say that pop culture and social media have a lot to do with it.  

 

My Personal Perspective 

From a parent’s perspective, I feel blessed that my children’s friends have thrown very understated and modest parties that my kids really enjoyed. If they went “all out” I think I would feel pressured to do the same, even if it wasn’t in my budget. Also, my kids may feel there was a lack in whatever I put together because kids, just like everyone else, compare.  

As a photographer, I attend many extravagant birthday parties. I feel as though that’s what my clients can afford and/or that’s what their friends and family do as well, which it usually is. I say, “Live and let live.” Everyone has different standards of what seems normal to spend on a car, a house, clothing, and yes, events too. (Even events that seem frivolous and optional such as a child’s birthday celebration.) I also know that throwing extravagant parties definitely creates a lot of business for the events industry, which primarily is made up of small businesses such as mine. So, that’s not a bad thing in my book!  

Let’s see what some of my followers and fellow community members have to say. 

 

Adele Franco 

I say, “Do what makes you happy.” You gave birth and raised your children – you should be able to celebrate them any way you please. We shouldn’t shame people who go extravagant, just like we shouldn’t shame people who bring ices to a park and call it a day. Some of these events look wonderful. No one should judge extravagant parties if the parents want to do that for their kid. No one should count somebody else’s money. 

 

Elior Navon 

Can we just go back to normal regular kids’ parties?! Kids are happy with whatever you give them, like cartoon-themed napkins and plates from the dollar store. They don’t mind one bit. Also, let’s talk about the swag bags. Why does everyone need personalized merch now? What happened to the kids’ goodie bags with a juice box, a snack, and stickers? I definitely feel the pressure to always make an extravagant party. I literally feel like I have to go all out for all of my guests. It doesn’t even become about the kids anymore! It used to be just feeding the kids pizza, French fries, and cake. Now I feel like I have to make salads and a whole adult menu, as well. I apologize for the rant. I just miss my childhood when things were simple, affordable, and easy.  

 

Joyce Cohen 

Having an over-the-top birthday party can be really exciting and memorable. However, these parties can also be really expensive and stressful to plan. You might feel pressure to make everything perfect, and it can be hard to manage all the details. Additionally, it can be tough to keep up with the expectations you set for yourself, especially if you’re trying to outdo previous parties. 

Another potential downside to having an over-the-top birthday party is that it can sometimes feel like you’re putting on a show for other people instead of enjoying the day for yourself. It’s important to remember that the party is about celebrating your life and accomplishments, not just about impressing others. Ultimately, it’s important to find a balance between celebrating in a way that feels meaningful to you and not putting too much pressure on yourself to create a perfect event. 

 

Casey Dweck 

Planning a child’s birthday is a big deal for many parents. It’s a day you brought a life to the world and you want to celebrate it. It also gives a reason to have a get-together with friends and family. I’ve realized over time that the party you end up with ultimately all depends on your budget.  

I personally see lots of stunning parties that I would love to duplicate for my own. But when I saw the prices of all these over-the-top things, I realized it just wasn’t fitting into my budget. As a single mom planning my child’s first birthday, I had a bunch of ideas saved on Pinterest and Instagram, which I collected from time to time over the months. When the time came and I started to price out different vendors and options, I realized that this over-the-top party wasn’t something I was able to afford. Even if I was doing some things myself, I knew it wouldn’t look like how I wanted, and I preferred to avoid that stress. So, I went with a smaller party and a simple theme and I tried to make it as beautiful as I could.  

The truth is, I know regardless of how big or small the party is, it’s the memories that will last. 

 

Gayle H. Setton 

These birthday parties are getting pretty ridiculous. The parents may not intend for this, but ultimately extravagant parties place unnecessary pressure on others to do the same. It’s not fair to the parents or the kids. The kids see it and they want the same. If the parents can’t afford it or maybe even don’t have the brain capacity to throw such a large-scale event for a simple occasion like a birthday, they’re instantly disappointing their child or embarrassing them if they throw a simple modest celebration.  

I can’t decide who I feel worse for in these situations, the parents or the children. Either way, I think it’s a lose-lose situation. 

 

Henriette Sasson 

Short and sweet – I think if you have the means for a fancy celebration, for sure go for it. Nothing wrong with it. Yes, it can make other moms feel bad or jealous, but if it makes you happy to do an over-the-top party for your kid, go for it. I’m sure a lot of parents will say, “But my kids are happy with Dollar Tree decorations!” And, I’m sure that’s true, but that is still no reason not to have a crazy party if you can and you want to. And it’s no one’s business! If it makes someone jealous, that’s really their issue… 

 

Rena Golden of Bashes by Rena 

Every family has the right to throw themselves an “over-the-top” birthday party, which I like to call a “dream” party. Each one has their own version of what their best party is, and I work with the whole community to plan each family their ultimate “dream” party. I plan a variety of different kinds of events that have different themes, including dance parties, petting zoos, bouncy houses, magic shows, spa day, sports, and more. These parties can be in a variety of venues including a client’s home or backyard, a local dance studio, or sports facilities. My goal is to create and accomplish each client’s individual “dream.”  

 

Parties are unique to each client and can have it all, and I have done it all. However, in my opinion the most exciting and fun parties for participants and the birthday child are the ones where the children themselves are the focus. I am proud to say that the parties I plan are “all about the fun,” whether they are “over-the-top” or not.  

———–
 

The more I worked on this article and thought about this topic, the more pro – any kind of party I became. We shouldn’t focus on what sets us apart and who has more or less. I don’t believe young children should do that either. I’ve thrown children’s birthday parties for under $100 that my kids and their friends have loved. And some years I feel the urge to put more money and effort towards a party and those, too, are memorable and enjoyable.  

We should all do what feels right to us in the moment. We’re all blessed. Some with skills, some with money, and some with both! If you really want a giant balloon arch for your kid’s birthday but can’t spring $400+ to have a professional do it, there are countless video tutorials on YouTube that can teach you to “DIY” (do it yourself) on a smaller budget. Whether you hire a professional photographer or snap a few pictures on your phone camera, the important thing is making memorable family moments. Just like we don’t want our kids judging each other on what kind of backpack or snacks they bring to school, we should set an example and not judge or comment on how much or little someone spent on a celebration.  

 

 

Want to help me choose next month’s topic? Follow along on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto.  

Mayor of Long Branch Letter

Dear Community Members,

Welcome back to the Jersey Shore and to the City of Long Branch for another great Summer Season!

Whether you are spending your summer with us or just visiting for a day, our city has so much to offer to make this summer one of the best.

We have several parks for recreation, including Manhassett Creek Park. Our recently upgraded Jackson Woods Park is a peaceful location for a stroll.

Please go to our website at longbranch.org under “Community Events” to see a comprehensive list of summer happenings.

We offer daily passes for Long Branch residents at our new community pool, and both residents and non-residents may purchase season passes.

Long Branch has four miles of beautiful shoreline for you to enjoy. Our many beaches include some with extended hours, two fully accessible locations, and a variety of food and refreshment options nearby. Our beaches are open from now through September 4, 2023. For more information, please visit our website.

The summer months are a time for relaxation and fun. I wish everyone a safe and enjoyable summer.

Sincerely,

John Pallone

Mayor